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January 11th, 2009 by MikeThe great truth of this life is success by righteous effort. Any substance that removes the effort from life also removes its righteousness.
And that is the feeling that will gnaw at the back of your mind while you’re on Adderall for a prolonged period (e.g., years).
When you quit Adderall, the effort returns to your life, and so too does the righteousness. And I don’t just mean conceptually: You will feel this happening.
Really, this should be painfully obvious to anyone who has taken Adderall for a long time, but I figured it couldn’t hurt to put that nagging feeling into words.
adderall is hell
More accurately, I think Adderall is self-imposed purgatory. Which is its own kind of hell.
Mike,
You have PERFECTLY described what it feels like to be on Adderall. I have been on it since the 7th grade and I am now approaching my 30’s. I have waged war with Adderall since I came to Christ and suddenly felt the presence of my spirit. From then on I couldn’t take those pills in good conscience. There was this nagging feeling like this was not His will for me or for any of His children.. You are right, you most definitely feel this. Success by righteous effort is exactly right, that is truth. I have flushed and thrown away pills so many times. I am not physically addicted to them in the sense i withdrawal but I forfeit my soul everytime my husband comes home and criticizes the way I run the home while he’s away. I pray someday, I will have the strength to keep this evil from my body. Thank you so much for your wisdom. It’s good to know I am not the only one who feels the things you described in your post. Bless you brother.
Hi Heather,
Thanks for your comments.
Dealing with the disappointment/negative reactions of people you care about is one of the hardest parts of quitting.
I talk about this in my Top 5 Agonizing Pressures post…
http://quittingadderall.com/top-5-agonizing-pressures-that-you-must-weather-through/
You have to weather the storm of his disapproval if it comes to that.
But please, for your relationship’s sake, talk to him about what you’re trying to do (even if it’s your secret shame). Let him know what he can expect (see symptoms of quitting on my Quitting Adderall FAQ page).
Make sure he knows that his accusations and lack of understanding will make it infinitely harder on you at first. And tell him he has the power to really be your angel and help you through this if he chooses.
Give him the chance to be understanding by clearly illustrating what you’re putting yourself through and why.
If you do it right, he will see the house in disarray, chuckle a little, and think “heh…yep, this is what she was talking about”.
Also maybe tell him this will increase your sex drive.
I’m so glad I finally found a site (and not random blogs) on exactly what I’ve been dealing with for 4 years. I’ve probably quit Add. a dozen times..but after a few weeks or so, I find myself saying, “I just need it for a couple days to clean the fish tank, do the bills, vacuum, etc., etc.”. I of course end up taking too much and staying on it too long. We all know that stupid vicious cycle. Any experience on how long (after quitting), completing the simplest task i.e., cleaning the fish tank- doesn’t feel like the impossible task?? My self medicating dosage was around 50-70 mg. a day, for the past couple years.
I emailed this site to myself with the subject- NEVER AGAIN; as a reminder to stay away from the evil pink pills! It’s great to know that there are many of you going through the same vicious cycle, self doubt, and reluctancies that I’m dealing with.
Thanks for any input/shared stories, and good luck to everyone dealing with the Add. temptation.
It is truely an evil little pill!
-Jason
Thanks for you comment, Jason. You’ve put good words to the process of slipping back into Adderall land after quitting.
To answer your question: Cleaning the fish tank will stop feeling impossible when you have forced yourself — through shear force of will — to do it enough times that it no longer seems impossible and the emotional stigma is removed from the task.
That can take days or months or even a year or more depending on the task, and depending on your own will and discipline. As long as you stay off the pills, you will eventually recover. The speed of that recovery is determined by how often you push yourself.
Always remember that when you take the pill, you delay your destiny for short-term gain and erase the progress you made up until that day. You know this, but figured I’d say it anyway.
Good luck. I promise you: it is doable. I’ve done it myself (it’s been a year and a half) and I’ve seen plenty of others do it with spectacular results (in due time).
Mike,
Thanks for your words of wisdom. I know I will eventually get back to “normal” and hopefully it will be before the fish die..J/K! The euphoric feeling is the hardest part to forget. All in due time, all in due time:)
I feel it will be a successful journey to ‘soberville’ with my own commitment, and with the tips, shared thoughts, and reminders from others on this site.
-Jason
If it comes down to it, let the fish die. You should know that some metaphorical fish may have to die before you’ve fully recovered. On several occasions you will have to choose between “thing I care about” and “my desire to stay off Adderall”. Choose to stay off Adderall and let everything else fall where it may. As you said: you just have to stay committed to this choice above all else (and I mean ALL else).
You have to be like MacGyver is with guns: You could use a gun, but you don’t do that. So you invent an elaborate contraption to solve the problem a different way.
But sometimes even that’s not enough to save the thing, and it just has to die. And you have to watch. Be ready for this.
You’ll actually get that same euphoria feeling back when you work on a task you care about (in time). The part you’ll miss is having that euphoria all the time (i.e., when you’re doing something that is miserable).
It won’t take long to get good again at doing things you like. What takes time is re-learning how to do the things that suck.
You’ll get it. Happy to help however I can!
I was on Google about 2 hours ago searching for online pharmacies you can order drugs (adderall) from without prescriptions and for ways to convince a psychiatrist to prescribe adderall. This site came up in the search results and I have spent the last 2 hours reading through everything and unfortuneately agreeing with too much.
I never had a prescription for adderall and first took it in college to study for an exam – about 4 years ago. Since then I would buy pills from people who had Rx’s. At first I would only take a pill occassionally but I would always have a “just in case” stockpile.
Within the last year I graduated college and began working full time in a public accouting firm. I started studying for the CPA exam and that’s when the downward spiral began. I would work the long hours public accounting calls for and then take a pill to study for the CPA exam around 7pm when the work day ended. This routine was only supposed to last a few months; for only as long as I was studying for.
In the midst of my studying, both of my grandmothers passed away within 2 weeks of each other. I wanted to appear strong in the eyes of my younger siblings so I took pills before talking them through it.
Then I began taking the pills to meet a stressful deadline I had at work. I told myself this would only last until the project was done. Well the project ended and my bosses were impressed. Due to the economy most salary increases have been frozen but I was one of the few who got a raise. And about 2 hours ago I was searching Google for ways to get a hold of more adderall…just for me to use until I got promoted.
I didn’t realize how naive and sucked in I had become but every post I’ve read on this site summarized how I have been thinking and feeling all too well
I haven’t opened up with this to anyone (until right now) and it feels good to come out with it. I put things into perspective for myself and its time to quit. But I took a pill this morning (as well as yesterday…) and I hope I have the strength tomorrow to persevere when I’m staring at my computer like a zombie.
Hi Edward,
Thanks for sharing you story. It definitely hit home for me as I’m sure it did for other readers. When I was in your place — still buying an hording Adderall from a vast network of people with prescriptions — I didn’t think I could get Adderall from a psychiatrist. I thought I had to acquire like I would acquire an illegal drug because I was using it even though I didn’t need it. I felt certain that a doctor wouldn’t prescribe it to me because I didn’t actually need it. Just goes to show that the Adderall guilt starts early. If only I had seen it sooner.
When you’re using Adderall illegally you actually have the proper attitude about it…you’re using it because you want to, not because you need to. But when you get prescribed (which is a million times easier than you think it is) it legitimizes your addiction and allows you to rationalize it more easily. Plus, it completely takes the stress out of finding and using pills. There’s no reason to be selective about taking it when you have more than enough for every day of your life.
Even the way other people treat your Adderall usage changes when you get a prescription. When you tell people you buy Adderall off other people so you can use it just when you need it (e.g., tests, big projects) they look at you like a druggie speed freak. When you tell them you’re prescribed and don’t want to take it anymore they look at you and say “What’s the big deal? It’s just medicine. I think you’re overreacting. I mean, I take [antidepressant/anxiety med/whatever] and I’m fine with it.”.
If you are going to take on this challenge right now you need to be ready for your life to change. Be prepared to put everything on hold for your recovery, including your superstar status at work.
But know this: You will be back. With a vengeance.
Mike,
I just found this site. I had no idea just how many people are in the same situation as I am. If theres one thing I absolutely hate the most about Adderall, it’s not having my personality. I love to laugh and be with the people I love, but I feel like im consciously desensitizing myself from everything that used to give me pleasure, and for what? Because without it school is a nightmare…I’m a very intelligent person by most people’s standards, but I have a crippling lack of motivation. I’m just a flat out lazy person. It’s hard to want to give up something when I know that without it the simplest tasks, which this loved/hated pill SHOWS me that I CAN DO SO EASILY, are going to be so much more difficult. I also used to have a weight problem. When I started my adderall, I lost a lot of weight, and thought I was on top of the world. The other day, my best friend came up to me and told me she misses who I was. I know I’m in there somewhere, I feel it every time I take a break from my adderall. I just don’t believe i can handle school without it….
What am I trading for “success”?? Perhaps my happiness????
@Chase
Adderall definitely muffles your personality and spirit. Ironically, it often feels like it amplifies you…makes you better…but it does so only with a price; a price you seem to have discovered quite well. The longer you stay on it, the more of your soul it eats and covers.
On laziness: Zig Ziglar (famous motivational speaker) once said “there are no lazy people; just people with goals that fail to inspire them”. Motivation and laziness will always be a problem BUT IT IS SUPPOSED TO BE. You’re supposed to fight against laziness and force-generate motivation by using an inspiring goal to keep fueling your efforts. Adderall gets the equation backwards: it gives you motivation without the goal. That’s inhuman.
On weight loss: I’ve heard this concern from a ton of people. The good news is that when you quit Adderall you start looking for distractions and physical outlets. This leads many people to pick up fitness routines. If you can lose the weight with Adderall, then you know what your body can look like. Wait until you start running and working out. You’ll look even better and feel great. I sincerely think the urge towards regular physical activity is instinctual. When you quit Adderall you’ll start following this instinct.
Hold onto those friends that miss the old you. Those are the friends who will be proud of you when you quit, and will tell you as much. Those voices can sooth your pain, and make you feel less alone in your struggle. You’ll hear enough people say “What the hell is wrong with you? You used to be doing so well. You should take your medicine again.” and you’ll start to wonder whether you were crazy for quitting Adderall. Those true friends — the ones who are happy to see the old you making a comeback — will remind you that it was the most sane thing you ever did.
@Chase
I found this site back about a month ago when i had had enough of feeling like crap every day. I too had people telling me I totally lost my personality; I also have been told i was smart my whole life. You may feel like you need it to get motivated, but my bet is you just forgot that you were motivated at one point. It will start to come back. Having your personality back and being more relaxed (and by relaxed I don’t mean EXHAUSTED, I mean relaxed!) will make you happy…and it will make you motivated. Trust me. It comes back quicker than you think. The only thing telling you it won’t is the drug. Just make sure you remind yourself of that when you start to feel stressed out or anxious. I think those feelings pop up here and there even after a few weeks. But just remind yourself.
I quit adderal about 2 weeks ago. After I quit, I also found I had less of a craving for alcohol and cigarettes (well, at least relatively speaking…haha). I did, however take it for a few days once I hit about the 10 day mark. I don’t know why but I slipped off for a few days. I thought if I tried to control it (I’ll only take it before 4pm, I’ll only take 1/2, etc…) then I could find a happy balance. This of course DID NOT happen. I ended up doing crazy work for like 3 hours and either not sleeping well after and forcing myself through a day of work and/or going out and acting like a total creep cause I was so “off” from taking too much adderal and drinking to make up for it. Lesson learned? I can’t control it period once I start. So I am going to try my best not to do that again. I was VERY quickly reminded of how fucking disgusting that little pill is.
I don’t know if any of you have this same kind of cycle; but I think the more we are honest about our issues and share our stories with eachother, the more we can all help ourselves.
I guess some of you may think I “fell off the wagon,” but I have decided not to look at it this way. I think the fact that I am trying and that I am conscious of the problem is a very good thing, even if I have to give it a go a few times. I haven’t had the drug in my system for about 2 days now and I already feel myself bouncing back. Give yourself a few days off and you will start to see your personality and your happiness are far more important than not taking naps or doing massive amounts of work. You can still do a good job without it, but you won’t know until you give yourself that chance.
You can do it.
@Mike
You are awesome. Keep up the great work!
one more thought…
Even if you do so much work and accomplish sooo many things “because of” the Adderal…it desensitizes you so much that you can’t even be happy about it. What is the point if you can’t even enjoy success?
@Veronica
Great advice! It’s readers like you that remind me that the comments on this site have more value than my articles and blog posts ever will.
I don’t think you fell off the wagon. Like you said: your quitting mentality is intact. In your mind, you’re still in the process of quitting. That is all that matters. Falling off the wagon is when you lose (throw away) your quitting mentality.
FWIW, I decided to quit Adderall on a weekend. During my first week without the pills I took a half dose about midday on Wednesday because I just felt like I needed to get SOMETHING done at least one day of the week. But I felt like I had slipped a little, and the guilt prevented me from getting much done anyway. That Wednesday…that one slip…was the last pill I ever took. I don’t count that day. I count from that weekend prior. Quitting was the norm; that day was an anomaly. Anomalies happen.
Mike I totally relate when you said, “I couldn’t just complete the task assigned to me…I had to do it in the hardest, most challenging, most epic way possible.” That is a perfect description of what I do when on adderall its always slowed me down but by last spring, I went from unnecessarily slow to making no progress whatsoever.
I started making epic attempts that were unrelated to my actual task, which I was convinced had to be completed before the main task would be possible. If somebody (hi boss!) asked what I was doing, that was going to be embarrassing because I was working on things that related to the epic-ness of the attempt, rather than what I’m actually supposed to be working on. These preliminary odysseys usually involved tortoise SVN and Excel’s Help manuals. I’d read and recopy sections of them into small notebooks using colorful pens. I was CERTAIN that I could NOT fix faulty code I’d written until I’d recopied those help sections into the small notebooks.
Months passed and I couldn’t make any progress on ANY task that was given me, unless my boss stood over my head and told me what to type! I was too high to be useful at all. Boss tried giving me successively easier tasks, and I was unable to do any of them. Finally I had to face it, I was over the top with adderall, it was no longer of any use to me. It had to go, I found your forum.
The flush I mentioned in an earlier post became part of my weekend routine for a while: I’d take huge amounts of adderall on Friday night, read books about “Stopping Your Addiction” till dawn, when I’d get really worked up and vigilante about stopping and flush my pills. The rest of the weekend I’d be in bed thinking and Monday morning before work I went into Giant “hey I flushed my pills help I can’t go without them!!” and I’d get them.
At work everyday sleep deprived and tweaking I asked horrifyingly ignorant questions and say ridiculous things. You could ask me “what is 2 + 2?” and I’d think really hard, then start drawing a diagram and give you the wrong answer 2 hours later. I got some REAL projects where clients would be getting work from me and I knew there was a firing coming.
In July I told my boss about my pill problem, got sent off to treatment (yeah like for “real” drug addicts) facility, and the deal is if I relapse I’m off the payroll. Loosing my crutch
a terrible tragedy for me that I’m still trying to cope with. I’m still in denial “BUT IT MUST WORK!” part of me still believes. But I went 5 years on the “oh I’m not that bad off with it” boat, I sailed that boat to the end…turns out I was pretty bad off. no turning the boat around. I’m done 🙁 and now no more adderall I gotta read this forum more carefully and more often. Mike I love you btw. Desperately. Thanks again.
Mike,
I am really glad I found this site as well. I am a junior in college and have been taking a 10 mg dose of adderall everyday for about a year. Even before I started taking it I had planned on just taking it through college to get through my tough engineering program. But after a year as has gone by I wonder to myself why I cant be like all the other guys who do what I am doing without a drug. I am aware that I am not on a high dose, but I still worry about quitting and what will happen to me when I quit. If I am not going to be productive or be able to do the things I have done all through college. Its like a lot of what I have learned and a lot of my work habits has been based around what I am like on adderall. Do you think that I can still be able to work hard and be successful after quitting.
Hi Chris,
Thanks for your comment. The good news is that having only taken 10mg/day for a year you’re in pretty good shape to turn back to sober life if you want to. You’ve spent 20 of your 21 years working, studying, and figuring out how to get stuff done without pills. That’s balanced in your favor.
In a weird way, you’ve got 20 years of mental muscle memory that you can resort back to when you get off the pills. When you quit, you’re going to have to work back to that consciousness you had before you started with the pills. The transition period sucks. Suddenly everything will get kinda hard again, but not too much harder, since you were only taking 10 mg.
It sucks for a while, but you get through it. As I’ve said before, the goal is go long enough that you are no longer self-conscious of the fact that you are working without Adderall. As in, to gain the ability (and the distance from your time on Adderall) to be able to work on something and not constantly think about how much easier it would be to do whatever you’re doing with Adderall — to be able to think about the objective hardness of the task, not the relative hardness. Then you can start really focusing on working harder and harder naturally.
You can absolutely work hard and be successful after quitting. But you need to know: you’re going to revert back to whatever work ethic you had before you took Adderall, now with the added weight of recovering from Adderall dependency, making it slightly (for you) harder to get stuff done than it was before the pills.
Is it possible to be hard working and successful after Adderall? Absolutely. But only if you were capable of it to begin with. You have to ask yourself: What would it have taken for your pre-Adderall self to be hard working and successful? Did you just need more willpower and self-discipline? Did you need more motivation? More interest in the topic of the work? Or did it feel like your body/brain chemistry was literally holding you back from what you wanted to do?
If it’s a matter of willpower or self-discipline, then be prepared to have to work on those things systematically after you quit. If it’s a matter of motivation or interest in the topic, then be prepared to find an ambition that excites you more than what you’re doing now. If it’s a matter of brain chemistry fighting you, then go get formally tested to make sure then stay on your 10mg/day without shame. There’s no shame in taking Adderall if you need it. But make damn sure you really need it, or it will steal your soul.
well I was going to flame the site but after reading the disclaimer now understand the good intent behind quiting…..but unfortunately is dissapointing to see all the idiots blaming their failures and else on a pill…..get a life….the med works period, if it didnt work for you because you were misled into taking it or didnt take properly,abused it or whatever, then take responsibility for you own actions and stop whinning about a drug that has been around for almost 70+ years and helps millions of people every day….I have been taking it for over 5yrs, it still works like the first day and it has helped me tremendously, all while holding an executive position at a fortune 100 company with a $250/yr salary as a software architect and married with three kids.
oh and I forgot my dose is 80mg per day, and whomever has any objective evidence that this is a high and unsafe dose, then you are an uneducated idiot as well, since dosage is dependent on several factors, one of the least body weight.
So please, while some of you desire to quit for whatever reason, focus on how to do that, rather than complain how hard it is, rather than blame the drug itself or worse yet make statements about the drugs potential or risks that you arent qualified to speak to or can even remotely understand to begin with.
ANY drug has issues with tolerance, dependence and withdrawal. Did you smart “adderall haters” realize how many millions of people are addicted to caffeine and dont even know it??? and cant get around w/o their morning coffee?
Hi Tom,
Thanks for your comment. And a big thanks for taking the time to read the disclaimer. I’m happy that Adderall is done such wonders for you. In fact, if you get the time and don’t want to blast me too much after this response, I’d kinda be interested to hear your full story (e.g., what you were like before Adderall, what motivated you to finally go see a doctor for help, etc.).
But that being said, this site is not for you. And in general I’d advise against categorically calling a group of hundreds of people “idiots” without personally knowing any of them. I mean, really? I’ve had semi-flame posts before, but they at least posed their concerns/objections respectfully.
Also, look more closely at the “failures” people are blaming on the pill. Adderall is very different from other drugs in terms of the failure/loser factor. Other drugs create junkie losers. Adderall creates junkie winners.
Coincidentally, I was a Chief Software Architect when I was on Adderall. Not Fortune 100, but still…a good career in IT ahead of me. You could look at me and call me a success/high value person, thanks in large part to Adderall. Medically, I was not abusing Adderall. I was usually taking exactly the dose prescribed everyday…very often less than prescribed. There are other similar stories on this site of people who were successful by the world’s standards on Adderall and yet desperately wanted to quit.
It’s not that they’re failing at the everyday things (except in some abuse cases). It’s not that they’re not making money or being stellar at work — they’re often succeeding at those things — it’s that they can’t shake the feeling that they’ve lost who they are; that they’ve stunted their growth by off-loading it to the meds. It’s keeping themselves that they feel they’re failing at, it’s having perspective they’re failing at, not the typical things like productivity for the sake of productivity, etc.
If you don’t feel that way. If you feel like you’ve kept yourself quite well and Adderall works wonderfully for you…then great! Keep it up, by all means! And this site is totally and completely not for you.
Really, I think it comes down to the fact that the line between “adequate stimulation” and “over-stimulation” being very, very easy to cross (by doctors). As I said in the disclaimer, I am well aware that stimulants prescribed for ADD help millions of people every day. Good doctors make proper judgement calls and accurately diagnosis cases of consistent, neurological ADD. There are lots of those. They create success stories like you.
But there are many other doctors who are way, way too quick to offer up Adderall as a solution. Or even just a higher dose than the patient actually needs (and, to fair to the doctor, it’s hard to tell how much they need precisely through just oral interviews…and ultimately they just ballpark it anyway). And then there are plenty of doctors that hand it out like candy to any college student who knows to ask for it. That’s where you get into more stimulation than you need. That’s where you get the problems that this site is all about.
You might not be over-stimulating. You might be adequately stimulated. But still, you have to acknowledged that doctors vary widely in ideologies, despite their equal power (kind of like cops). You have to acknowledge that plenty of people get prescribed Adderall every day that don’t need it, just by the numbers. And that in many cases there were probably other solutions. Those patients are going to have problems later on. And they’ll come here, and hopefully it will help them.
I agree that people need to take personal responsibility for their actions. And despite the fact that I have an article titled “Why Adderall is Evil”, I do not think that Adderall itself is evil or immoral. I think that every time a statement like that is made on this site, there is an implied “— if you don’t need it” at the end.
Again, this is something that makes perfect sense to the target audience of this website, but is foreign and objectionable to somebody outside that target audience (i.e., you).
You have to understand too that in terms of quitting Adderall, a certain level of demonization is going to happen; it needs to. Think in terms of Alcoholics Anonymous. You want an alcoholic to understand the dangers and negative effects of alcohol so intimately that he proclaims it as the devil. It is evil, and he is good for staying away from it. Get that in his brain and he can stay away. Tell him that it is “sometimes OK” and he gets confused and his resolves weakens. For this reason, I have to stay hard-lined against Adderall more often than not, because if I give too much weight to the “Adderall is sometimes good” side then I risk giving people who shouldn’t be taking it ammunition with which to rationalize further use (especially considering that Adderall is the single most rationalize-able drug ever created by man).
But still, I can see your point about saying that Adderall is objectively not a demon; just that it is a demon for them, and they should take personal responsibility for that. That’s fair.
Also, as far as people whining and complaining all over this site — IT’S A SUPPORT GROUP. This is the place — sometimes the only place — where you can whine and complain and vent about your difficulties with Adderall and be heard, be understood, and (ideally) get some constructive feedback/solutions. Out in the world they have to man up, they have to be strong and figure out how to move forward. Here they can vent their inner turmoils.
Plus (side note), given the dopamine deficiency that people experience when they come off pills, many are in a state of temporary clinical depression that’s being caused at the neurological level by the happy juices draining from their brain.
You said to focus on how to quit…that’s what this site is all about. I view every comment that comes in, no matter how whiny it sounds (and sometimes the whiny ones are the most honest), as laden with several implied “How do I get through X” questions that are technically solvable problems.
That is how this site gets people through the process of quitting: It identifies and formalizes their reasons for wanting to quit, it hears their specific difficulties and concerns, and then it attempts to address those.
Look, I’ve rambled enough at this point. In summary, this site is really not for you.
Also…
*Yes I understand that dosage is dependent on severity of symptoms, body weight, and time-factored tolerance. And to your point, I should probably be better about asking for clarification when somebody says they’re on 80mg. But you have to understand that most of the people who say they’re on 80mg phrase it differently than you phrased it. They say “I was so bad I was up to 80mg”. They don’t say “I’m prescribed 80mg, btw, but that’s just because I’m a bigger guy”. Plus more than half my readers are girls, who I (maybe wrongfully) assume are smaller framed….my point is that for the vast majority of commenters on this site, 80mg is a really high dose. So I get used to treating it as such. All that said, I’m adding note about factoring weight/severity/tolerance to that part of my FAQ page where I talk about max dose. So thanks for the aggressively-veiled constructive suggestion. Noted.
*Yes this smart “adderall hater” realizes how many millions of people are addicted to caffeine and don’t even know it and cant get around w/o their morning coffee. I used to use that rationalization too.
Take care.
Mike
hi mike,
i started taking adderall when i was 20, now 27, so 7 short years ago..i found out, in january,that im pregnant..due in july..so my doc took me off adderall..when i first started taking it, i was buying it from friends, and immediately fell in love with it.it made me feel like the person i had always wanted to be..i was confident..motivated, etc..so the girl i bought them from, said her doc pretty much handed them out if you knew what to say.all this time later, i still remember the first while that i started taking them, i remember thinking–knowing–that i was someday going to regret it more than i could imagine..regardless of how in love i felt with my “real new self” that i had found through my orange pills.i knew what i was feeling was too good to be true, and that is the moment i believe i turned my back on my soul, and went with the immediate gratification. well, i feel im rambling on this topic, when its in the past, i cant go back, so, that part is no longer my problem..anyways..when i got my own scripts, i started out at 20 mg/day, but only for a couple weeks, till i told him that it wore off, and i had trouble getting through the day..let me rephrase–i always took more than 20, so my script wore off weeks in advance..anyways i spent a couple of years prescribed 40 mg..always running out ten days in advance, days i would spend eating, and sleeping.i would get so depressed thinking how have i done this to myself again..and then when i would get the pills, either by rescheduling my upcoming aptmts or buying them, i would feel so depressed the first day after taking them, because i would realize any good feeling or accomplishment that day, and for all future days, as well as past, were all due to adderall..not me..but then i would get back to thinking how much i loved adderall..i would look at people who seemed motivated, and think they Must be on adderall..so i worked my doc up to prescribing three orange pills..60 mg allowed daily..this is usually what i took..sometimes and extra 10 or 20mg, but not more than 80..and thats where i stayed for the last couple years..of course, i had anxiety attacks, and broke out into embarrassing hives, so my doc gave me xanax–.5mg 4x a day as needed, and just like the adderall, they were always “needed”..
mike, thank you for this site, you are a true blessing to me..i feel depressed..i want to get better
i also had to quit smoking cuz im pregnant, and all my other meds..xanax..celexa lamactil and serequel..god i sound like a mess, dont i? but adderall is by far the hardest..it feels like my best friend passed away..i think being pregnant makes it easier, because i have a “legitamite” reason to take it easy on myself, to allow my boyfriend to take over ALL the work..i just soo miss cleaning!!but i guess its the passion i miss..i want the emptiness to go away before my little girl arrives..!i want to have energy for her..i dont ever want to go back on adderall..im going to breastfeed for a year, i hope, so i know i wont go bACK on it during that time..hopefully by then i wont feel so ?? much “longing” for the way i felt..because really i do notice good things about being off of it,, alot of good things, for one–i can laugh..and it feels good, for two..i can sleep and relAx–although the relaxing part is still kind of an anxious attempt at allowing myself to be ok with just sitting..i do hate my job though..OH MY GOD–!!the time thing is the worst–although its getting a tiny bit better..what really sux, is i only have one day off a week..saturdays(Today)..and this seems to be the day that sux the most, nothign to get me out of the house..my boyfriend works, and i have friends, but no real desire right now to see them..although, no real desire to sit inside on a beautiful day..ill go for a walk, which will take me a half hour..i force myself to because its good for the baby..maybe ill just force myself outta this house..i feel much better than when i started writing..my apologies for taking up so much space, but again,,thanks so freakin much..
Hi Ashely,
I don’t think I’ve ever fully shared my story on here (though you can probably infer a lot of it from my articles and comment replies), but I think of all the ones I’ve seen posted, yours comes closest to mine. Except, you know, the getting pregnant thing. :-p
But at least in terms of how I got started, and that terrible feeling that I would regret it someday…definitely hits pretty close to home.
Welcome to your first days of being genuine again…of returning to the pure self that you took for granted before that first little orange pill.
It’s very, very normal to feel depressed right now. In fact, it’s chemically dictated that you feel depressed for a little while due to withdrawal, but from what I’ve seen the depression tends to last longer than that. At the heart of depression is a feeling of worthlessness. Most people, especially over-achieving Adderall-takers, view productive effort, contribution, and the resulting accolades as equating to “worth”. When you quit Adderall, you temporarily take away your ability to produce and contribute, and as a result you lose the accolades too (the positive reinforcement from others, the sense of financial security, etc). When you take away production, contribution, and accolades from somebody with an over-achiever complex, you take away their sense of worth…leading to that worthless feeling.
Look, I don’t know what to tell you in terms of dealing with quitting Adderall and a pregnancy at the same time. I have only experiential and second-hand experience with the quitting Adderall part of that equation. I have zero experience with/knowledge of what to expect/what proper behavior is during a pregnancy.
But the good news is that you’re expected to be kind of out of commission right now, work-wise, the closer you get to having this baby. As in, this is a time in your life where you really just need to focus on one thing, and everybody is going to be totally understanding and supporting about that (at least I’d expect them to be). Even after the baby is born you’ll probably stay home for a while with it…this all gives you lots of time to work on rebuilding your work ethic little by little. Plus, I’d expect that taking care of a baby gets you back in touch with reality real quick. A school assignment you can put off, a crying baby you have to deal with immediately…whether you feel depressed or not…developing those kind of mental habits may prove helpful for you during this period.
So I guess my point is: As unpleasant as your recovery from Adderall is going to be (especially with pregnancy hormone fluctuation added in), it actually might prove to be pretty good timing.
@Ashley’s second comment
Heh. Sry. Should have read both your comments before replying. 🙂
Yeah, you’re going to miss cleaning for a while. The good new is that most of the stuff you miss either A) You figure out how to be good at again or B) You realize weren’t important. Hopefully for your boyfriend/baby’s sake, you’ll figure out how to enjoy cleaning again.
If you’re going to breastfeed for a year you’re good to go. I really, really doubt that you’ll be itching to go back to Adderall after more than a year off. I would say that after a year or so there is temptation to go back, but not really an urge. It’s more of a mental curiosity thing. Like, “or I could just say fuck it all and go back on Adderall and go back to my old life”.
The best way to prevent yourself from “longing” for the way you felt is to figure out how to feel it. As I’ve described elsewhere, the Adderall high is ultimately just a particular mix of chemicals flooding your brain. Adderall doesn’t add a unique feeling to your body — I don’t think any drug does. Adderall just draws out certain chemicals that were already there. You can draw those exact same chemicals out — creating the exact same feeling — by doing something that naturally stimulates you a great deal.
Going for walks and stuff helps a lot. Some days I swear the best thing to do is just get up out of bed and instantly walk outside, because the second the fresh air and sunlight hits you everything about your attitude and expectations for the day changes.
It’s funny about a crappy job that suddenly gets even worse without Adderall…you bitch so much about it, but when you get a day off you have no idea what to do with yourself besides waste away. As unpleasant as a horrible job can be, I think it keeps you sane more than you realize (and by “you”, I mean me, you, everyone).
I’ve been on and off adderall for a long time now… and sometimes I feel as though I can not lead a productive life without it. I gain weight, I don’t feel like getting out of bed, and have not enthusiasm or motivation throughout each and every day. The best way to look at it is… Adder- a well-known deathly poisonous serpent… all- it seems to captivate all who are prescribed or try it.
It’s like the devil himself in a pill. It seems to eat your spirit and soul away, but without it you feel helpless. Truly evil and even when you know it is, you still want more. It’s easily the most addictive prescribed substance… legal ice.
Nicely said, Logan. You just kicked the evil up a notch, description wise haha.
It is possible to live a productive life without Adderrall. It is just impossible to live THE SAME life without Adderall. If you don’t start changing your daily environment and fast, you’ll be headed right back to the pill.
And even with the perfect environment you still have to push through a long stretch of depression and lazy slug-ness. There is another side though.
Good luck.
-Mike
Mike,
Grateful to find this site and read so many similar stories. What I haven’t seen covered and would like help with is – what to do when you are abusing a family member’s adderall that they truly need? The family member who it is prescribed to takes weekend and vacation breaks. Trying to quit it altogether when these pills will always be around is quite difficult. Know in my heart it can be done but temptation is always there.
Thanks for advice.
Suzanne
Hi Suzanne,
True story: I quit Adderall with a full bottle of pills sitting within arm’s reach at all times (in a drawer), while also working with two other guys who both had prescriptions. I don’t think I ever evened opened that drawer, and I never broke down and asked somebody else/stole one. I made it through with Adderall all around me.
If you get your head in the right mindset for quitting, if you make it your sole and all-consuming priority to get through each day without a pill, then it doesn’t matter whether you have pills around or not….because your surroundings, pills included, are irrelevant at that point.
If you prioritize ANYTHING else above your quitting process — the second you let an obligation or important task or the need for somebody’s approval take over — you’ll be tempted and your resolve will weaken. Quitting has to be your highest immediate priority in life — everything else be damned.
I could say other things…move out, have your family member lock up his pills, tell your sibling/whatever to start counting/hiding his pills, etc. — those things would help too. But you’re going to be better off if you can succeed despite easy access to pills. Some drug addicts report that if they see their drug of choice even years later their heart will start racing and they’ll have to fight an overwhelming temptation. That’s the fate you risk if you only quit by just physically limiting your access. You have to mentally overcome it as well. To this day, I’m surrounded by Adderall, but I never really feel a strong pull towards it. I just look at it and think “huh…I remember those.”
Like you said, you know in your heart it can be done…and it absolutely can. Just never loose sight of the powerful reasons that are motivating you to quit…and let those quell all temptations.
But hey, if you need to tell your sibling that you’ve been taking his pills so he hides them and disapproves of you for it…then do it.
Started on 20mg xr, life was good.
Then pills more then tripled in cost (cash out of pocket) so i moved to generics 10mg which was a blessing in disguise because I would have creeped from 20 to 30 to 40mg and up and up.
Two things convinced me to get the F off these asap
1)Nosebleeds – my bodies way of saying stop it.
2)Drove 24 hours straight. No sleep, no pullover for 10 minutes, i mean straight.
I have been back and forth, on the 10mgs, then off , then on but this time its for real, no more.
I am totally in depressionville, eating like its my last day on earth and achieving squat but in the end i know its going to be worth it.
been off adderall since the middle of january..i miss it..but i love laughing now..it feels good..starting to get used to having to force myself outta bed every morning..when id take adderall, i would jump outta bed ready to go..pop a pill and get to “work”..also getting used to the length of an adderall-free day..starting to get used to it..been taking walks..cleaned my room last week..haha..this week i did the dishes..its nice to know i can still do things like this without adderall–
I have read all the articles on the site and I have to say it’s 100% true. I’m 17 years old and I have been no adderall xr for 10 years now. I first used to take just 30mg for about 6 years then I upped my dose to 40mg which I’ve been taking for about 4 years now. The problem that I am having about quiting is I’m scared. I’m scared because I don’t know who` the real “me” is. I’ve taken adderall pretty much every day for 10 years without taking any long periods of time without it. I have always convinced myself since a medical professional is telling me I need to take the medication then I feel I have to take it. Frankly I cannot see myself off the medication because once again I’ve been on it for so long. Honestly I’m scared that I will lose the capabilities that I’m just so used too. I feel as though I’m a very deep thinking intellectual individual. I also am afraid I will lose the ability to be “me” which I’ve been so accustomed to, but frankly I don’t know who I really am.. I have pledged to myself that I am going to quit the medication cold turkey and that’s what I plan on doing. I know I have the will power to do so, I mean I was able to quit a lifestyle which consisted of playing video games and eating the worst foods, to losing 60 pounds and staying on the healthiest diet you can imagine for 2 years. I’m just afraid my mind will outweigh my sense. I always feel depressed and alone, and I have trouble socializing when I’m on the medication. If this sounds familiar please let me know what I can do.
@ Peter,
The worst of the depressionville passes in about a month when your brain chemistry rebounds. Keep hanging I there. It gets better. Especially when you start actively working at it (after the first month).
Also: nosebleeds? Really? Yikes. Did your doctor say anything about that?
@ashley
You sound like you’ve got the perfect attitude about it: focusing on the good changes, appreciating the things you can do….which is really anything at all, except enjoy something you hate….you can’t do that anymore.
You won’t have to force yourself out of bed when you create a day that you can enjoy naturally. The day gets shorter too as you slip into a routine/find ways to make it suck less.
One week off this pill and already feeling more at peace. Still think about it and swear my jaw keeps moving out of habit. Among other bad side effects, the teeth grinding was the worst. Getting up and going knowing you have to without the pill is the hardest at first. But the wonderful tradeoff in just a week is the enjoyment of evenings again. No crashing and stalling like a zombie, and just going through the evening looking forward to taking the pill in the morning to get going again. Appetite is up but trying to taste and enjoy food again. Thirst can be quenched without urge to use restroom constantly. Know I am in the first-week phase only but wasn’t everyday user and have gone as long as 5-6 weeks without it. Hopefully, when I pass that mark I will not sabotage myself again – even with the pills in the house. Thanks again for this site and the help it is giving us.
Without Adderall, getting out of bed was like climbing a mountain. Without Adderall, smiling, laughing, and feeling feelings like a normal human being was impossible. Without Adderall, I had a hard time eating, doing laundry, holding down a job, paying bills, etc. Without Adderall, I would fall asleep while driving despite getting 10+ hours of sleep the night before. Without Adderall, I drifted aimlessly through time and space, living in a fog. Without Adderall, I lived to die. If I cannot have this medication, I will surely die. Yes, it may raise my blood pressure, sometimes dangerously high, sure it might make my (benign) heart palpitations (or so they tell me) worse, yes, I am sleep deprived, but I will take my chances of dropping dead just to feel “normal,” a feeling most people take for granted. Normal to me is like euphoria to you. There is no point in living if you can’t feel alive. Adderall + buprenorphine = my only hope at having a somewhat normal life. It doesn’t fix me, but it’s the best I’ll ever get. There is something inherently wrong with me, I know it and I know that God Himself knows it. It is my cross to bear…a heavy, Heavy, HEAVY cross. Knowing that there is something seriously, horribly wrong with you and not being able to do anything about it, watching your world crumBle apart and your family toss and turn, worrying about you constantly, is HELL ON EARTH. HELL. HELL!!! Without my medication, I will die. Am I still depressed? Of course! But not as much as before. I’d say I’m about 40-60% better, “better” being the way I felt before this illness took over my life.
Hi Mike,
Well, I’ve been back and forth with trying to quit and always end up back at your site. It’s mainly school that keeps me from staying off it permanently. As I had mentioned in my posts from way back, the rigors of the UCLA quarter system coupled with a job have been the obstacles to quitting. I started taking Adderall *before* I went back to school. In fact, it was responsible for motivating me to do it. So this is the only way I’ve known school (in the past 20 years that is). But what you’ve said about the “gnawing feeling” – I can’t shake that. And that feeling started about a year or a year and a half after I started this drug. It’s been 3 years.
The good news is that I’ve gone 8 days now without it. That sounds pathetic but considering I’ve taken it every single day pretty much for the past 3+ years, I feel like that’s a huge accomplishment. After something of a meltdown, I realized it was near impossible to continue on the philosophy path without Adderall and changed my major altogether! I really want to finish school without it from here on out as I won’t feel pride/accomplishment knowing Adderall got me through 4 years of college at my graduation. That’s just me. No one agrees with this (‘It’s you doing the work, not the pill.’)
I quit for 10 weeks once before but went back. I think my resolve is stronger now and I tapered off for awhile before stopping altogether. To anyone reading this struggling with the depression of quitting: FIND A WAY TO FORCE YOURSELF TO EXERCISE, the more strenuous, the better. I get such an endorphin high from this one work out class I go to. It makes a big difference. The hard part is dragging yourself there. DON’T THINK OF EXERCISE AS OPTIONAL. Think of it no differently than you do brushing your teeth or showering – mandatory for your health/well-being.
P.S. In regards to Tom P.’s comment from Apr. 22nd – with all the missing punctuation and grammatical errors he seems hardly qualified to be deeming anyone an “uneducated idiot”. That was nice of you to even dignify the post.
@Jullian
Welcome back! I can totally understand the school pressure. And 8 days is not pathetic! Really, when you’re used to taking it every day, ONE day is a pretty big accomplishment…a whole week is stellar.
Nice on changing the major! What did you change it to? You know, I hear the point about “It was you, not the pill” — that’s valid to a certain extent. I did accomplish a couple things on Adderall that it’s nice to be able to point to now. But FWIW, I don’t personally care much about those accomplishments. When I look back on them (e.g., Varsity letter in Academics, all kinds of advanced software features) — things that are commendable to others — I just think “Eh, that was the pills.”
I’m much more proud of the things I’ve accomplished without Adderall. Not so much because I did them without pills, but because…I don’t know…they just felt more like “me”.
On Adderall I got A’s in Computer Science. Without it I get A’s in Psychology. To everybody else that’s the same accomplishment. To me, the latter is much, much more “me”. The former was just the pills talking. But nobody outside my head can see that.
I hope it works out the same way for you with your new major. I hope it feels more like “you”. If it does, then you’ll know you’re in the right place.
You’re totally right on the exercise point. Everybody listen to Jillian.
P.S. Thanks.
Hello,
Although my story is quite different then some of these comments that have been posted, I would like to share my thoughts. I agree, Adderall is evil. Well here’s my story. I am a senior in high school with a terrible GPA, high ambitions in life, energetic, and full of life. College bound (although I am very lazy when it comes to school work). Well my freshman year of high school I got straight a’s & was very dedicated to my school work. I had friends, played golf and everything was normal. sophmore year, my grades dropped and my teenage rebellious stage started to kick in, normal I’d say. But really my only worries were getting my grade to a 70 just enough to pass. I always had this mentality that no matter how deep in trouble I was in, there was always a way past it, & hey, it worked fine! I’m accepted into a university and will be attending in the fall. So with this introduction out of the way, here goes the downfall of this story. Last November I went for check up at a local family doctor, I was 17 & hadn’t been to a doctor since I was 11. I was in good health, everything was fine. I recently had lost 60 pounds & was very into working out & eating pretty healthy. My mom jokingly tells the doctor “if she could only be as dedicated to her school work as she is to what she eats & how much she can run, she’d be a great student” & that’s where my referral to the pyschowad got kicked into the picture. So I walk out of there with a name & number to set up an appointment. Well. . . I was very against any sort of thing like that so I didn’t call. Well with all of the pressures of graduating & college, I found it almost impossible! So I gave in & called them in February. Got an appointment a month later, he tells me I’m add, gives me a script to FOUR 10mg a day XR, go to the pharmacy, insurance wouldn’t cover it (thank GOD) so I give up. Then I get a call for a confirmation from the doctors office asking if I was gonna make it to the appointment the next morning, & I tell them my situation & they say “oh no problem, we’ll see what Dr. Blah blah (evil guy) can do about it. So I go back in & he writes me a script for THREE 20mg of quick release a day, then tells me that he wants it brand but if it’s to expensive, to go generic. He doesn’t give me any warning as to how they are supposed to make you feel, how to take them, he told me to “play with it” till I find the right dosage. Hmmm, everything is sounding fishy by now. I never even started the pill & now he has upped my dosage. So I go to the pharmacy get my lousy ten dollar bottle of generic adderall. So I get a pill cut it in half & take it that night, felt fine, a little wired but fine. Next day did the same thing, was moody, dry mouthed, blah blah normal stuff, & then. . . I started feeling very unlike myself. Everything was so unreal. Grades were perfect. But I wasn’t “funny” at work anymore. I wasn’t “mrs. Smartass” in algebra. I was boring, rude, and did not care about anyone but ME! I started upping my dosage because the crash feeling I was getting, I thought wass me needing more. I didn’t sleep one night. Just terrible! My crashes were the worse! My vision is all messed up! I started acting crazy, thinking crazy. I was lightheaded for a week straight! ! ! ! So I stopped taking it one day & felt absolutely terrible, yawning, unmotivated headache everything! Very mean. So I thought “maybe I’m just taking it wrong, so I’ll just go back on a normal schedule tomorrow” so I start normal schedule & still feel terrible. I stop taking it again. I call in to the doctor’s office to complain for the 5th time & they tell me come in the next morning. That morning was today, & you won’t believe what he told me, ” try taking 20 mg in the morning 20mg afternoon and 30 mg at night” “it isn’t the pills, it’s your anxiety” “we should try putting you on anxiety medication & see how the adderall works” are you freaking kidding me ! ! ! ! ! I never once in life had any “anxiety” problems, how are so suddenly starting now! & I can’t handle the dosage I had before how are you going to give me more! ! ! ! I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. In my first appointment he told me that after a while many people are able to come off it but today he was telling me that once I’m off symptoms will come back. I told him that I didn’t want to be dependent on them & he told me that I wouldn’t be. I asked him what would happen if I just wanted to quit them one day & he said ” you just stop” I replied with ” well why do so many people have trouble getting off of them” then he says ” like who, I don’t know of anyone” I just could not believe what I was hearing. So terrible, I feel like those bloody pills are still in my system. & since I started them I haven’t stepped foot in a gym. But I will go tomorrow. I will be back to normal, which I am kind of already. Sorry it was sooo long, I just wanted to share with people how serious this is.
Do not do it. It is no joke. Not a fix. Yes, you can study for 8 hours straight but you lose everything else!
@Stephanie
Thanks for sharing your story! OK, I throw up a lot of disclaimers. I’m not a doctor. I realize that there are different doses for different weights, etc.
But this doctor totally lost me at the point he told you to take the high dose — 30mg — at night. That’s totally batshit insane to me.
This guy sounds seriously sketchy. I think this proves the whole “different doctors have widely different ideologies but the same prescription powers. Some doctors just hand it out as a solution to everything.
Good luck quitting. You should be OK, since you didn’t take it for that long. Let us know how you’re doing!
This site is VERY helpful and I agree with almost all of these comments, both positive and negative, which is the problem. It’s hard to quit something that is legal, makes you feel good, and produces successful results (at least in some areas). I am prescribed probably the highest dosage you have ever heard – 300 mg a day (yes, 10 of the 30 mg pills). I know, it sounds wrong, and my doctor and I have decided to reduce it, but I have to say, it works for me. I even had a cardiac evaluation and my EKG was normal and my blood pressure was 120/80 an hour after taking the morning dose of 90 mgs. However, I have also had most of the problems that individuals on this site have described, particularly the myopic focus and alteration of personality. The thing is, I am not sure if I like the post-Adderall personality better than the pre-Adderall one. Adderall does produce that tunnel vision/blinders feeling for me, but it keeps out negative thoughts and OCD tendencies as well. I have been on and off it for years, sometimes writing in my journal that I will absolutely never take it again. But then I think about how I was taking it when I was one of 2% of associates who made partner at an AMLaw 100 law firm, how I felt more interested in dinner conversations with friends, how my romantic dates seemed to go better, and, basically, how I felt enthusiastic about life when I was taking it. It’s such a tough call. I often run out early and go through terrible withdrawal until I get the new Rx. I also hate being dependent on taking a pill. I still don’t have an answer as to what I will do in the future, but for now I am staying on it. I just decided to write this comment because it was really helpful to read all of the others and know that people are going through the same thing as me. I just felt like I should participate.
@Brian,
Thanks for commenting. First off, I gotta ask: How much do you weigh? It’s the internet. You can tell me. Nobody knows who you are haha. I didn’t even think 300mg was legal. What was the doctor’s justification for the high dose?
I totally get what you’re saying. It’s a terribly, terribly tough call. And it does come down to which life you like better (the one you have on Adderall, of the one you have off it). But even that’s not an easy call because there are trade-offs…it’s not black an white by any means (for most people, anyway).
To be honest, I’m still not done deciding. But I think that’s mainly due to other factors that are blocking my path right now…makes me keep thinking of turning back. If it weren’t for those external blocks holding me back from really playing out this off-Adderall life to it’s fullest, I’d be on cloud 9.
Anyhow, thanks for the comment. Good luck in your decision! 🙂
Mike,
I am a little over six feet tall and weigh about 170. I think I know what you are thinking, but I have done some research on the issue and weight is only one factor to consider for dosage, and should be used to determine a starting dose. There is no legal limit as to how much of an Rx drug a doctor can prescribe, but a high dosage is obviously an off label use (different than the mfgs guidelines). I have been working with this doc for close to five years, so he knows me very well. We just worked up to this dosage over time and based upon how I was feeling at the lower dosages. I should add the caveat that I have an extremely high tolerance. It’s actually kind of crazy. I have been observed by the doc and by family members and they all agree that I seem calmer on this dosage than without it. That being said, it is really inconvenient (to say the least) having to take 10 pills a day and carry them around. The worst is that if I run out, take too many in a day, lose any, or forget them when traveling I am in withdrawal hell within 48 hours. I’m sure you know how bad that is. It’s really the worst feeling possible. I would rather be physically injured than go through that. I also have ridiculous mood swings that I cannot control and the paranoia that a lot of users complain about (i.e., the feeling that something bad is going to happen). So, you hit it on the head when you said it’s not a black and white issue. I was a little surprised when you wrote that you are not done deciding. If you are off them and doing ok, you should never go back unless you really can’t function at all or are having other more serious problems that might be addressed by taking it. I hope you don’t mind me offering that unsolicited advice. I never write comments on websites, but this issue has literally dominated my life for years and your site is helpful and supportive. Thanks again, and best of luck to you with whatever decision you ultimately make.
Exactly 1 month later and still no reply to my post?! I wasn’t looking for one, but a little “hi, Ben” or even just a reference to my post would have been nice. No acknowledgement of my presence made whatsoever. Just as it has always been. My whole life, it’s been as though I’ve been invisible. No girlfriend (ever); no real friends since I was about 13 (I’m now 24); sexuality?; SEVERE bouts of depression/OCD/anxiety/panic attacks; isolation; despair; sadness; nothingness… the worst thing being dysphoria. I can’t feel pleasure. It’s so bad that I have an extremely difficult time doing simple things (for example, taking out the garbage). This is one of the reasons I turned to Adderall–not to have an advantage over others or write that 14 page essay in one sitting, but simply so I could function at least a 25% of whatever “normal” functioning is. I can’t focus; I am in a fog; I am constantly falling asleep; my skin is breaking out; peripheral nervous system dysfunction; breathing difficulties; trouble using the bathroom and when I do there’s sometimes blood. Yeah, I know, it sounds awful. It’s because it is. It’s HELL. Oh, I also still live at home as college is impossible when you’re suffering like this, let alone living, if that’s what you want to call it.
I honestly can’t live with this anymore. I can’t kill myself but I patiently wait for a change…and often times death. Doctors don’t know what to do. I go to see a preacher at a pentecostal church, asking if he can deliver me and he’s looking at me like I’m nuts. You’re probably thinking I need an exorcism, but that is for people who aren’t “saved”. I have felt the Holy Spirit within me–His presence is very powerful and easy to recognize. How can the Devil or demons live within me and control me when Christ is there at the same time? They can’t–a house divided cannot stand. I close my eyes at night and wonder if I’ll ever wake up. I eventually wake up and go to my awful job making $10.71 an hour where everyone seems to despise me (please don’t say to yourself sarcastically “I wonder why?”). I honestly don’t know why…I’ve just always been an outcast. Nobody likes me. What can I say… Am I that boring? Do I have body odor? Is it my breath? Maybe it’s just that I have nothing in common with anyone. I’m too unique or “differnt” I guess. Looking at me and conversing with me you would not think that anything was wrong. But there is. Things are seriously wrong and I have no idea how to get away. What could I have ever done to warrant such punishement? I have to go as my back is spasming…did I mention that? Please pray for me as my prayers aren’t enough.
Sorry about the rambling and feeling sorry for myself. I just need to vent sometimes…otherwise I might explode.
@Ben
Sorry man. I read every comment, and I try to reply to everybody, but sometimes I’m not in a position to reply and I miss some.
Detailed reply to follow when I get out of this meeting.
@Ben
Again, sorry I missed your first comment. Look, if Adderall is helping at all in your mess, then by all means stay on it. At this point Adderall seems like the least of your problems.
First off, isolation makes you crazy, and it also makes you more prone to isolating yourself, which makes you even crazier. You need to force yourself out the door as much as possible, even if it’s just to take a walk or go to the gym and exchange 5 casual sentences with a few gymrats. Forcing yourself (through shear, unpleasant, brutally uncomfortable willpower) to do something quasi-social is the only thing that breaks the isolation-crazy-more isolation-crazier downward spiral.
You need fixes and friends: Fixes for everything that is mechanically wrong with you (e.g., bloody urine, breakouts, weight problem?), and friends for everything that is emotionally wrong with you (isolation, sadness, etc.).
As for the fixes: All I can say is keep bugging the doctors until the problem is fixed. Especially on the breakouts thing. It may take you 3 different scripts until you get the right one.
I went through that one myself. Break out, wall myself in my house like Quasimodo in his belltower, hate my life, feel ashamed to show my face, flake out on dates/events with friends, finally get courage to see doctor, get a script, doesn’t work, convince myself that no scripts will work and that I am just damned, finally get frustrated enough to try again, get miracle pill. Now my face is crystal clear and I feel silly for all that unnecessary stress I put myself through.
Doctors have fixes for pretty much everything, but sometimes you have to let them experiment on you a little until something works. The point is that you have to keep going back…it’s when you stop asking that you’re guaranteed to keep having the problem.
On the friends: The best advice I can give you there is to find a hobby that involves other people; the more obscure the better. Play paintball (or Airsoft), try amateur poker at your local bar, find a church group, join a book club…hell, get into Dungeons & Dragons or go full geek and start LARPing (the movie Role Models made this almost cool)…you want something so specialized that it doesn’t matter who you are…you’re a part of the group simply by your interest in something that only a few people are interested in. And do it consistently. If you’re around the same people often enough, centered around the same activity, you’re bound to make a friend or two…or at least an acquaintance.
But make sure you’re really interested in the thing itself, otherwise people will see through it. You’re not just there to make friends. You’re really want to to knit a pimp blanket/rush some bunkers/learn about new books/praise Jesus/storm the castle/whatever.
The point is to put yourself consistently into environments that are very conducive to friendship (and even better…niche environments that cater to isolation-prone people), and go from there. But be very patient and give it lots of time. It may be a while before you’re catching a drink with the group after knitting marathons/speedball games/book reviews/praise-a-thons/castle raids, and that’s OK. Better to be patient and casual than pushy. Make an investment (time and a little money…cool gear is always a conversation starter and confidence booster) and let it happen.
Now, beyond this. I’d advise taking an honest look at whatever it is that’s turning people off from you. If you really can’t think of anything that’s off-putting about you, and you’re convinced that you are actually off-putting (vs. it just being in your head), then ask somebody — “I feel like I put people off but I can’t figure out why. And advice?” If you get a sugar-coated bullshit answer, ask somebody else.
Once you figure out what the problem is — and it may be just that you insecure-voice yourself into being weird interpersonally — work to fix it.
I don’t know if any of that helped. I’m kinda outside my area here. But good luck. Please come back and keep us posted.
Just came across this site while researching Adderall abuse. I am the mother of a 25 year old son who has destroyed his life with Adderall. He has been abusing for several years. I’m not sure if he is getting the Adderall from a doctor (so easy to do) or from friends. I do know that he has gone through a 60 pill bottle in a week. He has stayed awake for up to ten days at a time. He then crashes for several days and rages terribly. He ruined his marriage, his military career and his relationship with his brother and I. He is often times delusional and always irrational. I had to kick him out of my home due to his out of control rages and his destroying my home. He has stolen from me on a regular basis. I am working with a counselor who runs a “family group” for families of addicts. My son desperately needs treatment. I’m so afraid he will die of a heart attack. If you were to ask him why this is all happening, he would tell you it was his mother’s fault for giving upon him. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!
@ Pamela,
Two suggestions…
1. Find one of his bottles. Get the name of the doctor off the label. Call the doctor and let him know what’s going on. That’ll also tell you whether he’s prescribed or getting it from somebody else. Even if it’s somebody else you can call the doctor and let him know that his patient (whose name you now have) is giving his pills away/selling them.
2. “Rehab or you’re out”
3. Kick him out, let him burn out on his own, have his own wake up call, come crawling back, and then be ready for help/rebuilding.
Other than that I’m kinda out of ideas on this one. Everybody I help here is self-helping. Plus this is a bit more extreme of a pill problem than this site normally deals with.
MIke…I have already contacted his doctor and I kicked him out three weeks ago. I noticed that this situation is more extreme than what I’ve been reading about here. Perhaps this can be a wake-up call to all the recreational users out here and those who abuse and can’t stop. My son’s situation can happen to any of you. Adderall is a terrible and unforgiving drug. Shame on the doctors who pass it out like candy. This drug should only be used by truly diagnosed people with ADHD. I hope it’s not too late for my son.
@Pamela
Ah, well you’ve done what you can then. Your son’s situation is definitely a wakeup call. It only takes few extra pills to cross the amphetamine-psychosis line. I hope you’ve at least heard from him or about him by now. Wish you the best. Keep us posted.
What does he use the pills for, out of curiosity? Like, is he just getting high, or does he rationalize taking them for work or something?
@Ben: read this book: “The Power of Intention” by Wayne W. Dyer. I found it very helpful. I hope your back feels better.
Fear is an extremely powerful weapon. this drug is a weapon of mass deception. Each time i fill my rx this is how it goes down: day one-feeling good, man… this aint so bad… day 2-okay, hmmm…feels like theres something strange hovering about. day 3-something behind me… day 4-its on my back. day 5-its in my head…day 6-my soul. its in my soul…downward spiral into the dark abyss. this is the epitomy of evil/fear/darkness. its a tool of the government/industry. pharmakeia(greek for scorcery/poison) the very epitomy of darkness. The book of Revelation…for all nations were decieved by thy scorceries(greek, before translation, pharmakeia…) Thank you, Mike, for a page that makes sense in a time of complete, and puposeful, chaos. Bless and be blessed. check this out, but do keep in mind that the bit near the middle of the page isnt a pretty picture.——— http://moniquemonicat.wordpress.com/2009/03/25/so-is-this-a-conspiracy/
Also, i have never, ever posted anything anywhere. I have a date with my doc in a couple of days and was trying to decide what to do about my refill. I stumbled apon this site in the midst of celeb weightloss and advice on how to get a fix blah blah bullshit. Good going, guys! how very refreshing…
ben? if you are still giving this page a gander, i would like to know when “this illness” began. I am concerned. perhaps i can somewhat relate to your mental/physical condition. you seem like a poetic fellow. the dread of being an extremely sensitive overly analytical poet is quite unbearable in this world of desensitized drones with no grasp of reality.(I’ve not noticed but one fitting the descrition on this page. You know… the BIG PHARMA company man with the great family life?) just know that you are not alone. pray to and praise The Father, in the name of The Son, and The Holy Ghost will be with you always. You are loved. BLess and be Blessed. Sow and Reap. May the God of Peace and Love bless you.
Hi, thank you for your post. You don’t know how this helped me.
problem with you guys is moderation adderall is a tool u dont need to get high when u take it use it like coffee and it wont hurt u learn moderation this is the key to a stable life. this drug is not for those with no self control.
@Anthony
Yeah, I used to say that too. Believe me, I was the king of the “it’s a tool/like coffee but more efficient” speeches. You don’t have to abuse Adderall for it to ruin you. It can do plenty of damage at or below your prescribed dose.
That said, if you’re going to take and it truly helps you do what you want to do…then yeah moderation is key.
I’m off it for two days and I already feel terrible. Every day has been sleeping, but ironically I do the same amount of work on and off it. I guess it really does stop working. I was enjoying the drug so much I didn’t even look at how or if it helped me.
shawna, I hope you notice that your link doesn’t really help your case, it tells you that vaccines don’t work and it shows aborted babies saying that it is evil magicians who do this stuff. It bases itself in the bible hoping to base its beliefs in Christian literature, but it looks more like a doomsday blog than anything.
I am super depressed, and have used this more as an antidepressant than anything. All I wanted was to be normal, and I just isolated myself in purgatory. If anyone else is using it to remain consistent with your life, just quit it, it doesn’t help at all. You bring yourself to ruin eventually.
But hey, if it gets you money and success what am I to say its wrong? It hasn’t brought me there, so I assume you’re the same, thats how you found this blog right?
I’ve used it less than one year, and not consistently, then it turned to daily use out of an ample 60mg Dexedrine and 20mg Adderall per day. Goodbye.
@Sick Kid – Hang in there, buddy. The constant sleeping thing should wear off (a little) in time and with exercise/routine-building.
Thank you so much Micheal!
I’m much better off it now, and I feel awesome without it, I got back to baseline and its only been a week. I am using caffeine and l-tyrosine occasionally, but most days I don’t take anything. I want to have at least a month’s sobriety before I even think about taking it again, I know I might need to take it if something happens like driving, but I am not dependent on it anymore. Thank you so much for your site, it makes all the difference for people like me who didn’t want to quit Adderall in the first place but just happened to come here (I was linked from a drug forum saying that I didn’t feel that life was worth it without Adderall).
So here I am, using other drugs (I do miss the Adderall high, it made sleep a non issue but it killed off my feelings), but apart from l-tyrosine and caffeine I have no other stimulants. I do do other drugs to get high, but at least I am off prescription stimulants. The funny thing is I get the same amount of work done but with much more sleep. That is the main reason I quit.
I link to your site, it is fantastic, thank you for putting resources to get your info out there. I have to start exercising though, my high metabolism doesn’t give me a reason to, but I know its unhealthy not to.
In my opinion it is easy to incorporate Adderall into your life, as you can use it with little or no sleep and it will ‘fix’ the day. If you stop, you may have a lifestyle that you must quit. If I went to a prestigious school, I would not have quit. But since I go to a crappy community college, a week of sleep was a non issue, I think the problem is that there is too much pressure NOT to use the drug.
AGAIN THANK YOU
Hey Mike
I just stumbled upon this message board and it looks like it’s actually well-kept up with, so I’m thankful for that.
I was broken up with about a year and a half ago by someone (a girl) that I loved alot. More than I loved myself, probably. It was a very toxic relationship, but I was left by her with the lines, “You talentless, sad, consumer”, “I want to be with someone who has their life together”, “I want to be with someone who is responsible and doesn’t cry all the time and doesn’t get clingy, etc, etc”
A year ago I was in college and not doing anything, close to dropping out because of the “love of my life”.
Now, I am a film producer on a $4MM film, I have a music video series that is with Pitch—-.com, I own a business/bar/cafe/club, and I am 24 years old. I put on a popular film series that is taken around cities all over the country, including New York.
I did it in 18 months. With Adderall.
I am now currently in a different relationship, with a different woman, who I am pretty sure I admire and want to love, (this time it is healthier than I have ever imagined myself being with someone else), but I now realize that all I can think about is profit margins, number of impressions per evening at the film events, sponsorship money, production companies in LA with money to invest.
I like the way I am today because I deeply wanted to show someone who did not want me that I am able to be functional. Maybe some of this comes from my childhood, (my girlfriend committed suicide when I was 15 and left me to clean up her mess, my mother has asked my whole life that I “cut out the imaginative, dreamy, sensitive bullshit”)….The problem is, now, all I can do is be functional. Be the exact image of Success. And it doesn’t make people come back who are gone.
What is your advice? What should I do? I want to be in a healthy, real relationship again. But I also want to sustain my ability to do well and excel.
Hi Maggie,
I really hate admitting this, but I can also attribute an uncomfortable portion of my academic and career successes to a my deep need to avenge an ex-gf-inflicted wound. Well, not so much anymore, but I definitely made decisions back then that I wouldn’t have made otherwise. After my bad breakup (and the wounds it left), I stopped caring about doing something that interested me and started caring about money and how successful I looked to others…because I thought that’s what would appeal to somebody like her. I wish I had never done that. I wish I’d stayed comfortable with my original ambitions.
So I think understand where you’re coming from. You made her your God, and when she withdrew you dedicated your life to winning back her favour, like a banished angel. The problem is you picked a crappy God, and now you’ve replaced your own standards with hers. It probably isn’t even her standards anymore. It’s just an extreme version of her voice in your head, mixed with your own insecurities. Subjugating yourself to that voice doesn’t always turn out well in the future (because one day you may “come to” and realize that your own voice was more important).
At least you’ve proven that you can kick some major ass if you have a compelling enough reason to. This too I identify with. If I ever conquered the world, I would probably be doing it as some rationalized scheme to get a girl’s approval. Then if I still didn’t get her approval, I’d throw away all the victories as if they didn’t matter. I think there’s more than a little codependency there somewhere.
Anyhow. Back to you. Practical advice.
What you’re experiencing (based on my interpretation of the few paragraphs you shared) is the normal pursuer-distancer effect present in all relationships, except that because of Adderall you’re stuck being much more of distancer than you want to be. It’s going to be difficult to impossible to fix this while you’re on your current dose of pills. As long as you keep popping the Addy’s, you’re mind is going to focus on lots of things besides her, which will come off as distancing.
The best you can achieve (on pills) is forcing yourself to prioritize her and trying to act more emotional/attached/affectionate, which will help make it easier for her, but you’ll still be unconsciously sending the distancer signals…the best you can hope for is habitualizing the affectionate actions enough that they start to feel natural just by frequency.
But you’re still not going to feel as attached/in love as you probably want to…not totally consumed and owned like you were with that first girl. You’re still just loving her with your brain most of the time…not enough with your heart.
So I’ve got two things for you to try:
1. First make sure that this girl is the type that you would naturally love. If it’s just a matter of “I should love her because she’s great to me but I don’t because my heart only responds to girls who treat me like crap”, then nothing’s going to help you except coming to your senses.
2. If you’re not doing it already, take “Adderall holidays” with her. That is, spend time with her off your meds. Start with weekends if you’re not doing it already. Also consider spending less (but higher quality) time with her. If weekdays are your Adderall-fueled workdays and weekends are your “Relax and have fun off-meds spending time with Susie” days…it will help you focus on her, enjoy her, and associate her in your brain with fun and pleasure.
Just my 2 cents.
Mike,
Thanks for the fast response. Yeah, sorry I wasn’t too generous about divulging alot of information up there, as you mentioned. Ha. I kind of got worried that someone might google me or something. Anyway, the advice is all really helpful. I can definitely see that it’s a lot to do with my reasons for taking the adderall, moreso than just what the effect of the adderall is on me. But yeah, I am definitely taking the pills at about 30mg a day, and drinking lots of tea and smoking. And I have a prescription but I am not actually ADD. My parents just have friends who are doctors. So. In light of all that, and given the small amount of information you were working off of there (apologies again), I think your advice was stellar. I’ll look into getting better at a steady pace, and I’ll check in with you some other time and see what other people are saying on the blog/forum as well.
Cheers
I have small kid is 8 years old. I love to tell her stories every evenings. He loves good stories. I found your site when surfing for a nice story. Do you know a beautiful story that you can advise me? Thanks..
Hey guys! My group at school has done a project on the dangers of Adderall. We made a video PSA and have to do a presentation. Any input would be greatly appreciated! Watch it, enjoy and let us know if there is any other information we should have!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=okf4Z4pqwMo
Hey Mike!
How are you? I thought this old, anonymous tale of the Butterfly was totally appropriate for your site. It nearly reduces me to tears, actually, as a metaphor for my Adderall dilemma.
“A man found a cocoon of a butterfly. One day a small opening appeared, he sat and watched the butterfly for several hours as it struggled to force its body through that little hole. Then it seemed to stop making any progress. It appeared as if it had gotten as far as it could and it could go no further. Then the man decided to help the butterfly, so he took a pair of scissors and snipped off the remaining bit of the cocoon. The butterfly then emerged easily. But it had a swollen body and small, shriveled wings. The man continued to watch the butterfly because he expected that, at any moment, the wings would enlarge and expand to be able to support the body, which would contract in time.
Neither happened!
In fact, the butterfly spent the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body and shriveled wings. It never was able to fly. What the man in his kindness and haste did not understand was that the restricting cocoon and the struggle required for the butterfly to get through the tiny opening were nature’s way of forcing fluid from the body of the butterfly into its wings so that it would be ready for flight once it achieved its freedom from the cocoon. Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our life. If we were allowed to go through our life without any obstacles, it would cripple us. We would not be as strong as what we could have been. And we could never fly.”
– The Butterfly
Anyone who takes an amphetamine without a legitimate medical reason is either a coke-head or an insecure retard who is afraid of the future. I just turned 20 years old last month, I’ve been on Adderall, as well as other various amphetamines over the past 17 years. The last friend of mine I saw take Adderall with no prescription for it died of a heart attack caused by cardiac arrhythmia, he was only 19. So if you have death wish, by all means stay the course.
P.S.
In case you’re wondering why I typed this up at 3 AM its because my mother is a bipolar maniac who spends anywhere from 18-40 hours at a time on the computer because she has too much free time and no life.
adderall sucks!!!! i need help!!! everything i accomplish, i dont know whether to credit myself or the adderall!!!! that sums it all up right there. anyone have any answers? by the way u guys are my support right now and i love you all. i have add and doctors see to it that i keep taking adderall!!!! ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!
@Chris
Credit yourself for your accomplishments. Don’t get caught up in that. It’s you. Think of it like a love potion. Let’s say Susie Q, who you are otherwise uninterested in, drugs you with a love potion. Under the influence of the love potion, you’re totally smitten with Susie. You do all the really thoughtful things that a person in love does. You save up for a month to buy her VIP tickets to see her favorite band in a private concert.
Now, did the potion make you save up and do that special thing for her? No. Your love did. That’s just the kind of shit you do for somebody you love. In Susie’s case, the love potion she drugged you with produced the love, but your love did what it would do on its own.
Adderall makes you passionate about things. But it is still your own special blend of passion that it brings out of you. And your passion does what it would do if it had been brought out through some other trigger.
So again, do not get hung up on the whole “is it me or is the the pill?” thing. It’s not worth the worry. It’s you.
If you’re going to let yourself worry about something as it relates to Adderall, worry that you might be able to feel the way Adderall makes you feel without the pills. And if you can’t do that, then don’t worry….you’re in the bracket of people that are truly helped by Adderall and you have no business feeling guilty about it because it’s doing nothing but helping you.
For anybody who is capable of natural love for the right person, a love potion is evil, because you’re not supposed to be drugged into loving people. That’s unhealthy, unnatural…that’s rape. But imagine if some people weren’t able to love naturally. If they spent their whole lives just completely unable to love anybody. In that case, a love potion might be a godsend. It might help them feel something they were never able to feel and, with their new found ability to output emotion, make a logical choice about who they wanted to be with and commit to them fully with the aid of the potion.
Figure out which group you fall into. And above all, do not quit Adderall just to resolve the “is it me or is the the pill?” hang up. You need a much stronger reason than that to quit. Plus, if you quit just to resolve that hang-up, it’s going to go badly for you. Suddenly you’re going to start sucking at work without your pills and you’re going to think “Shit. It was the pill the whole time. I am nothing.” when that’s not necessarily true. I could just mean the pill helped you with that job. The question itself is flawed in a lot of ways. It’s you. It’s you. It’s you. Move on to other worries.
Stay away from adderall, i was on it for three months and it gave me schizophrenia. It’s not worth it.
I just cant seem to break free from this crap. I think maybe its more difficult for me because I have an overall very addictive personality, or maybe I’m just weak who knows. I can make it up to 30 days- done it a couple times- but then I seem to hit a wall. I swore this last time I was done with it but once the time came for my script to be refilled all of a sudden my whole mentality seemed to change. Im starting to think I’m just going to be on and off this stuff for my life, which means that I will never have a stable existence b/c this stuff keeps me on an emotional rollercoaster. I have really tried, maybe I’m, just not ready. This stuff has messed up so many areas of my life but nothing has ever made me feel the way it does. To all of you who are doing well please continue- I hope I get back there soon.
adderall gave me extreme paranoia, anxiety, depression, and bipolar disorder. within the course of a year. it took every weakness that i already had, every existing fear, or bad habit and EXPLODED THEM to an unbearable level. I BREATHED cigarrettes. I craved alcohol before bedtime I would take ecstasy, xanax, ANYTHING to make the bad feelings go away. I had ridiculous OCD behaviors that I never had before and I was scaring my friend family and myself. I looked in the mirror once after 3 sleepless nights and just stared into my eyes and almost had a heart attack because i didnt believe the reflection was me I felt like i was looking at somebody else because I did NOT see a soul in that persons eyes. I am currently 5 days adderall free and already have noticed a worlds difference. It took me a while to let go of my demon adderall but I’m glad that I finally did. If I could go back to the day in the backseat of my friends car junior year where my friend first handed me that one little pill, I would’ve just said NO.
Adderal is Evil because it is the Devil personified. It llooks and feels beautiful. You like everyone But NEVER FORGET..Adderal is OWNING you and your letting it… It is killing you, but ya gotta have it…it lures you on. IT OWNS YOU…and yer not becoming a real nice person
Adderal changed my life. I am in my second semester in college and i have never done better. During highschool i never was motivated to do much only to pass with average grades. I graduated and because my parents have money i was sent to a nice college not because i had the grades. Doing the bare minimum comes with ADD. My mom took me to get tested when i was younger and i was diagnosed with add. She tried me on all different kinds of pill like concerda. I didnt like to take the pills early on because they took away my appetite, so many times i wouldnt take them or spit them out before school.I was always popular well liked and had alot of friends and didnt understand the real world would come after high school. Senior year i got a 1.8 gpa and i knew in my heart i was better then that.
The summer after senior year i knew i had to do something or i would struggle the same way in college. This is when i started to take adderal, (after weeks of my mom begging me). I said why not and started taking it before school everyday. Now i have a 3.6 gpa, but i do not like my college and i am kindof miserable.
Adderal helped me find my inner self and discover what was inside of me the whole time. I knew i could get the grades that all of the honor kids had but my brain was stopping me from doing so. Even when i tried to stop dazing off i realy couldnt.
It helps me think about my future, and where i dont want to be if i slack off. So i disagree with the whole takes away from your sole idea because it helped me find mine and the person i always knew i was better then. Or maybe i just grew up and matured but i dont have time to find out.
Adderal was my wakeup call.
The battle to getting off and staying off of amphetamine has been the hardest thing in my life.
my poem bout addy.
Im just a pill, given to kids to sit still. However Theres a devil inside me. Just take me once and you will see, You have no chance to break free. I start out making you feel great, but in a few years you feel like your body will be dragged out on a crate. I keep you up all through the night,but this is just the start of your frieght. The weight you loose is just part of the game, my goal is to drive you insane. I am easy to find,the fda just is plain blind. I seem like I help for real,but in the end all I do is steal. If you think you beat me in this race, well I will just make bugs crawl in your face. If this seems false to you at all,Then tell this to your family who watch you fall. If your cocky and dont belive this then thats fine, I will take you to a place where the sun dont shine. Ill be with you for the rest of your life,and make you feel like you were stabbed with a knife. I target kids and bring them sorrow,if you try me there will be no tomorrow. I am done talking this game,Just come to me now and youll never be the same.
Wow. I was toying around with the idea of getting back on Adderall for my ADHD which I’ve been diagnosed as being on several occasions. I’m currently studying to get my PMP certification and am this close to landing a position at a well respected software company and I know deep down that the medication would help me in my constantly forgetful, squirrel on espresso like state.
I’m also reminded of my ex-fiance. She was so strung out on the stuff she was basically a junkie. She never ate, smoked like a chimney, and was basically a kook. It also amplified some very strong sociopathic tendencies she had which I found myself mirroring here in there with aggression and so forth.
Thanks for putting this site up and helping these people and myself. Its just not worth it. I can do it all on my own even if it means locking myself in a room with my textbook and swilling pots of coffee at work to retain my focus.
Adderall is not evil. If you have some self control it can be extremely beneficial. It takes away your hormone charged desires; the desire to eat junk food, the desire to pursue a relationship just for sex, the desire to sit around doing nothing, etc. It will make you, in a sense, a blank piece of paper. You will be able to choose who you want to be. Too often people convince themselves that they’ve become zombie-like because of it; they choose to be zombies because they believe they are zombies. But with it you are capable of doing the mundane for hours on end, eating healthy as you have no bias towards food, and separating yourself from distracting lust.
Sadly, all too often people abuse Adderall. They use it to stay awake for unnatural periods of time, work for unnaturally long periods of time, or go without food. These people lack self control. If you make sure you get a full night’s sleep, do not over-work yourself, and eat a healthy diet you will only benefit from Adderall, unless of course you take too much. People will often take it in large amounts for the euphoria, without knowing how rapidly tolerance builds up. These people, who have little self control or no knowledge of the drug besides what they feel while on it, must use more and more to get their high, quickly making the benefits of a consistently small dose disappear under drug-tolerance.
I have ADHD and have been prescribed Adderall for years, only twice going over my proper dosage. It is a miracle drug when used properly. I always eat healthy meals, get enough sleep, take breaks on days I’m not doing anything, and exercise. After taking it I got my life in order and became the person I wanted to be. Why would I ever give this up? I have taken a one month break with ease during the summer of my senior year, stay off it on days I’m not doing anything, and often forget to take it.
Quitting it because others consider it ‘evil’ due to a large amount of people abusing it and anti-drug propaganda (you can’t consume anything that makes you happy except for fast food, alcohol, and drugs of companies that fund our political campaigns) is shooting yourself in the foot. So what if the normal you is incapable of, or has enormous difficulty, doing what the Adderall you does? WE’RE IMPERFECT. If a tiny little tablet makes us closer to perfection, why should we not take it? Why should we screw our family out of a higher standard of living, simply because we chose to be ‘normal’ and become less productive in the workplace? Why should we pop Advil whenever we feel a bit of pain, but never use Adderall when we will have to do a bit of work? Why should we make life, which is for most people filled with more pain than pleasure, harder for not taking a little tablet? We’ve got about 80 years before we’re gone forever (or wherever you believe you will go), why make those 80 years harsher than they need to be?
Because there’s some part of the bible that says “NO DRUGS, ESPECIALLY NOT NATURAL ONES UNLESS YOUR GOVERNMENT OR RELIGIOUS LEADER SAYS THEY ARE OK”? Because we want to be imperfect? Because being natural is important (if we wanted to be natural we’d go out and hunt live game, then gather berries in the forest; that hamburger you just ate had plenty of ‘unnatural’ stuff in it, and amphetamines occur NATURALLY in some plants)?
This anti-Adderall stupidity is the very reason life is difficult. Our desire for to be natural, of which we are already extremely ‘unnatural’ eating domesticated animals, genetically engineered plants, hormone enhanced meat, popping over the counter drugs whenever we have a bit of pain, consuming alcohol, smoking tobacco, and using machines instead of physically doing a task already makes us very unnatural.
Did people think that the substance was evil until the government told us it was? No (and the government still gives it to soldiers to enhance their long-term performance, the very reason they banned it).
Did people view it as a dangerous drug instead of a medicine until people started abusing it? No.
This anti-Adderall insanity has people who need it going without, because they become convinced they have a problem. Anyone who can control themselves, not just ADD/ADHD people, should be on it. Soon we will see that Amphetamines are the light-bulb of the modern era, allowing us to access our full potential as humans when used appropriately.
Rigormortis3,
Please take a glance at my gigantic disclaimer page. If you feel I have still not addressed your points after reading that disclaimer page, let me know and I’ll amend it.
I’m happy it’s working well for you. This site is not about quitting just for the sake of “being natural”. Being natural for the sake of being natural is appealing to me (because it’s so sustainable), but it is by no means the primary reason I quit Adderall. I also don’t care what religion says about drugs. You’re attributing motives to this post that I (the author) never intended. I am not an activist. I do not promote this site. It exists only for those who stumble on it through Google. I am not calling Adderall evil in the religious sense. I am calling it evil in the sense that it is horrifically detrimental in some cases (for the reasons listed above and in many other places on this site).Those who this site applies to understand this post instantly.
Thank you all for this site. As a token of my appreciation I am going to share with you my story.
Approaching my 30s now i have been off and on addies for years. I started with ritalin back when i was in 4th grade and then adderal off and on throughout highschool and into college.
By college i was actually not all that bad. I would sell most of it but i always relied on it to pull all nighters when needed. I did not take it on a consistent basis until i hit the real world.
After graduating and starting a real job i managed to go without adderal for the first 3-4 months. It was a shit job too. I dont know how i managed for those first months without it. I didn’t even think about it and i had plenty of it. Then one day, after partying all night or something, i took it because i was exhausted…AND I REMEMBERED WHAT I WAS MISSING..
I took anywhere from 20-80mg XR a day for the next 3 years as i got promoted multiple times. I was smoking so many god damn cigs – which i do not even do when i am off the adderall – it was disgusting.
This got worse this past year when i left for a new job. The new job was going to be high pressure, and it required that i pass multiple tests etc. Naturally I jacked up the ol adderall usage…
By this point i was taking vyvanse with a short term adderall mix. 1 70mg vyvanse in the morning and then i had in my desk a full bottle of 20mg adds. I ending up just popping them like they were candy for the past 3 months taking anywhere from 60-100mgs of the short term stuff throughout the day.
I have a wonderful and very supportive cast in my life. I dont know how they stuck with me coming home like a zombie monday through friday. Staying awake all hours. Not showing any love or affection. Smoking a near pack of cigs a day. GEEZ.
It actually feels good writing this. As i write this i realize more and more HOW MUCH I HATED MYSELF LIKE THIS.
At the time of this writing I am only 2 days adderall free. The first 2 days in 4 years without taking adderall at work and let me tell you all….IT SUCKS.
But does it? I am so much happier when i am home. I love the people i love and they are happy to have me back. And i am happy to be back………..but very worried.
I dont know if i can do this. I mean i did just write all this without aderall and that is a start. But seriously i am not sure if i can sit through a full day of work. At my job i can leave whenever i want – it’s very nice but i am not getting shit done and that will catch up with me.
But wish me luck and thank you if you took the time to read this. This site has played a part in my decision and it will definitely be a huge source of support going forward because i am actually committed to breaking this habit. I dont care what it takes because it was meant to be. I could not continue on the path i was on.
I will ask if anyone can provide any recommendations for GNC type products to help with quitting cold turkey i would greatly appreciate it.
thank you for listening.
CT
I am in tears.
I have always thought…. “I am much too aware of the fact that I have taken my pill”. I am prescribed. Was prescribed at age 20 (college) now 27. Skipped out for a couple years when my insurance ran dry.
There is this unrelenting force telling me that I conned the system, that I out-smarted the doctor. That I was savvy enough to know all the right things to say in order to get that golden ticket (Rx).
I remember in elementary school my teachers approaching my mother about minor misbehavior (talking in class, not paying attention, doodling, etc.). At one point there was a standing response I had, “I’m multitasking Ms. ______ “. What a smart-ass…. haha! BUT They all expressed how bright I was, that I must not be challenged enough, that I must be bored. (Later in college I would use this to rationalize my need for Adderall… maybe they missed it in childhood?).
However in 3rd grade I even began the gifted program, and the following year I was recommended and invited to an all gifted school (not so much what I would consider signs of ADD/ADHD). Never touched the drug until college. Knew about it seeing as my cousins all had severe ADHD, but my first experience was through taking some of a friends to get through a last minute project.
It made tedious tasks a cake walk, so I pranced into the doctors office and told him everything I “should” say to get it. I half believed that maybe I really did need it. I struggle with that to this day. I wished he would have asked me more questions, I wish he would have looked into my history, SOMETHING!
I know I don’t need Adderall. I say “know” even though I second guess myself only because of my opening statement, “I am much too aware of the fact that I have taken my pill”. I will take it and think to myself…. now I must produce, accomplish, achieve. Sometimes I do, but even those days NOTHING is ENOUGH. I always want to have done MORE. Other times I do absolutely nothing but sit in thought, sometimes euphoric thoughts, sometimes thoughts of failure/depression.
But ALWAYS, I am super conscious of the fact that I am “on medication”. And I can never resolve my own internal argument of “DO I” or “DON’T I” need the drug. I am over-analytical by nature and was quite smart from an educational/reasoning standpoint, which makes me think:
a) Am I over-analyzing and should I just take it and relax (not judge)
b) Was I just smart enough to realize symptoms of ADD (need) in myself and ask for help
c) AND/OR am I manifesting/exaggerating certain traits because subconsciously I “know” adderall can “help”
At the end of the day however, I always go back to a few things:
a) I never even thought of needing Adderall until AFTER I tried it
b) My initial diagnosis was at such a late age
c) For so many years, I was such a success without it
And then conclude…. “I convinced my doctor and, to do so, myself” that I needed medication.
**********************************************************************************************************
Now HERE’S the CRAZY part…..
Then I start all over saying to myself, “No I do need it blah blah blah blah blah”….. then I kill myself.
Not literally, but I really start to question my (*excuse my verbiage*) GOD-DAMN sanity! I literally want to rip myself out of my body and scream, “What’s the FUCKING answer!!!”
So one suggestion might be, go talk to Doc.
You see, I just can’t seem to be COMPLETELY honest with Doc. I have this strange way of telling him either exactly what he wants to hear, or whatever will get me on and out of that office….
But If I did have to be completely honest, If I pretended I was talking to my heart, to my soul, to whatever is completely non-judgmental I would say:
“I am lazy, always have been…. A lazy FUCK. I have really low energy, I am not internally motivated nor a self-starter. I underestimate myself, I don’t think I am as smart as I used to be, I have failed to reach my goals. I am a dreamer, I have high hopes, I want to be unbelievably successful in something (but I don’t know what). I have huge potential but I don’t try. As a child I was GENIUS, As an adult I am AVERAGE. Most things come easy to me so I reach a certain level and stop pushing, I get frustrated when I have to prove myself to get a shot at something that I know I can do. If I’m not challenged/rewarded for my efforts I give up or do the bare minimum…….I HATE chores, work, societal conformations. I have two definitions of success: 1) Live on an island, being completely self-sufficient, artistic, earthly and wise….(INNER PEACE)….. 2) Live in one of the top metropolises in the world and dominate business, being recognized by my peers and society (FAME & FORTUNE). I long for God……I wish I was a morning person, high-energy, unrelentingly driven and inspiring…..
But my laziness and lack of motivation cripple me….
So Doc., heart, mind, soul, SOMETHING…..HOW ‘BOUT SOME ADDY!!??!?!? 😀 (*sarcasm)
Seriously though… how about an answer, guidance, clarity, honest & sound advice? Please.”
**********************************************************************************************************
And that’s my story, that’s my struggle. And I cry because I have never felt so lost.
—-started intending on a few sentences…. then this happened…. Thank All Of You for listening.—–
Last August I began an Adderall prescription. 15mg twice a day, quite a lot for a small guy.
Since then, it has given me everything I’ve wanted in life and more. I became fit, very successful with the opposite sex whereas before I couldn’t even speak to them, extremely confident, productive, eat healthier, etc. It has taken all the effort out of work, time flies by while I finish whatever must be done. Furthermore, I only sleep about 4 hours a day now (I never dream, so I am confident that I get all the REM sleep I need). My energy seems to be infinite, and I supplement heavily, taking L-Tyrosine, 2 multi-vitamins, boost, whey protein shakes, 5-htp, melatonin, st. john’s wart, magnesium citrate, zinc,iron, and a b-complex multivitamin. This is paired with exercise and occasional breaks from the drug.
Obviously, I am paranoid about losing the magic. Now my Adderall dose has become 15mg Adderall in the morning, 10mg Dexedrine (dextroamphetamine) twice a day, 300mg Wellbutrin XR, and 5mg Desoxyn (methamphetamine). Caffeine is only consumed as a morning cup of strong black tea. I will not go back to my old self, you’re all fools for throwing this away. You’ve only got one life, why not live it as the person you want to be and take a pill rather than struggle with no pill? Your bible says nothing about keeping your body pure, and your pastor’s anti-drug propaganda is meaningless (is he a pharmacist? no? then he should shut his mouth, as should government officials). Furthermore, these amphetamines have enlightened me to the philosophy of nihilism. Without god I feel truly free.
And I do abuse the drug infrequently. Never increasing my Adderall or Desoxyn doses (especially not the Desoxyn), but often taking 40mg Dexedrine at once and going on a mad session of inhuman efficiency at whatever large task comes my way. I feel as though I’ve been given an I-WIN button at life, and with my supplementation, exercise, and breaks I do not see myself ever losing it. Adderall is not evil, Dexedrine is not evil, and even Desoxyn is not evil. They are chemicals, not your imaginary ‘demons’. They are atoms and nothing more, as are you. There are only fools who cannot handle them due to lack of self control or an unhealthy lifestyle, or fools who believe the silliness on this website and ‘think’ they have a problem. I’ve no withdrawal even after my two week long tolerance breaks. If you people would simply care for your bodies for once, perhaps you’d see that there is no problem with the substance (assuming you don’t take a tweaker’s dose), you’re just lazy as crap and your body is fragile because of it.
Thank you so much for this site. My god i needed it. I have been off adderall for 17 days (YAY!!) and am facing a new challenge every day. Thank you i really feel better after reading it.
@this one: good for you. i can get drunk and dance all night with friends, and go weeks without drinking some people struggle everyday not to go anywhere near alcohol. everyone is different and this site is for people who need support
@mike and all the other people posting: THANK YOU! I’m not alone!
@ben: you should write poetry!
@horizon: i am a 26 year old female who has a very similar story, i can relate. the fact that you have enough self-awareness to question taking adderall is probably a sign that you are better without it!
question to all:
has anyone tried the OTC pill called focus factor? found at walgreens/CVS supposedly comparable to adderall. also, are caffeine pills ok to take during the 1st month w/o pills? i took one last week, it merely kept me awake and i don’t care for red bulls and such so i’m guessing it’s all right??
You made some good points there. I looked on the internet for the issue and found most guys will go along with with your blog.
Alot of you sound misdiagnosed or only liked the “rush” feeling it gave you at first. The euphoria is a side effect that goes away after 2 weeks to a month. Its not suppose to happen lol. If you have been diagnosed with adhd and adderall or other stimulants dont work or your experiance with them is way off from people who have good experiance with it most likely you had a quack diagnose you. And for all the caffeine talk be carefull if you dont drink any or much caffeine each day you can overdose on it, yes I know it sounds weird but trust me a trip to the ER with your heart going crazy is not going to be fun for you or your wallet. I hope you all have luck in finding what works for you but dont blame your problems on adderall
Just a simple “Thank You” to you all.
Yeah I agree with everyone on here. Right now I’m experiencing the come down. No sleep.. no appetite.. no sense of humor… no love… no emotion. Period. Point blank.. I feel like a COMPLETELY different person then what i was before..& it seems like the only way to get rid of this feeling is to take another one. But i know that’s just the addiction trying to take control of me.. no sir not me.. It’s Tuesday 5:30 AM where im at right now and I havent been to sleep since Saturday night. & what’s really weird about it all is I’m starting to hallucinate now. It ain’t like a dream or nothin like that… its more like a nightmare. I see black figures in the corner of my eye.. but when i look at them directly..they disappear. my door is starting to do like this waving motion… its pretty creepy. sleep sounds awesome right now.. but i try… and no avail. I think I’m going to get off these now and get switched to something else because I’ve been through this too many times before and I’ve noticed each and every time i get pulled into addiction. I’m done.
Iv come to the conclusion that this is a misinformation site. For one, there are no real “withdrawal effects” and insomnia deff would not be one. Thats just a joke to try to blame whatever your goin threw on it. The only rebound effect adderall has when discontinued is the opposite of what you describe lol. You need to go see a doctor about insomnia issues if its so bad that you think you need help. But please let me make it clear that either hypnotic sleeping pills or muscle relaxers are what he will give you for sleep. And they do have real withdrawal effects. So please if you end up on either , do not take them unless your insomnia progress’s to 4 days. I have had insomnia all my life , its a part of adhd and you look back I guarantee you you’ll see that you had sleeping/insomnia before you started adderall. For me it actually regulated my sleep for the first time in along time, and yes when I take breaks from the medication after the initial 2-4 days of rebound sleep , my insomnia comes back.
I started on .5 mg of Adderall and two years later was up to 600 mg a day (nine 30 mg pills prescribed by a therapist and eleven 30 mg pills purchased at $20 each from numerous contacts made on Craigslist). I went through my entire savings and 401K to keep up the insanity. I wouldn’t leave my apartment without ten 30 mg pills in my pocket (actually, I used to keep them in a hollowed-out Chapstick or Altoids container.) At the height of my addiction, I began having severe hallucinations and delusions. On some occasions, I would sit in a coffee shop or restaurant and “hear” everyone around me talking about me. They could see what I was writing or reading even though they were no where near me. Other times, I would sit in my apartment and “hear” conversations of neighbors talking about me. Even sitting with the lights out, blinds closed and curtains duct taped, they could all somehow see and hear everything I did in the apartment. I would “hear” they commenting on every move I made. I waited tense hour after tense hour for them to stop talking about me. Sometimes the “voices” were threatening and I prepared for a confrontation. It was the definition of going fucking crazy. And I wasn’t some unfortunate mentally ill vagrant. In fact, I was one of the youngest lawyers to make partner at one of the top 10 law firms in NYC. This journey to the edge (and over) of sanity was the direct result of taking obscene amounts of prescription amphetamines. I never thought what happened could ever happen to me (terrible cliche’, but needs to written for the sake of all cliches’). Today I am filing bankruptcy and living in self-imposed rehab at home with my parents. The good news is that I haven’t taken a single pill in more than six months. After numerous attempts to wean down, only to always wind up going back up again, I quit cold turkey. I won’t sugarcoat it, it was the most debilitating experience of my life. I literally couldn’t get out of bed for a week. My family woke me up to feed me once a day and that was the extent of my consciousness. The second week, I was more sentient, but in agony, physically and mentally. The third week, I was recovering, but slowly. And so on and so on. I know this sounds brutal and it was, but I am relating this story not to discourage you, but rather to encourage you. If I can quit 600 mg a day cold turkey, you can quit whatever amount you are on. And believe me it’s worth it. I can finally enjoy things again. I don’t have that nagging feeling that something is very wrong, that I am missing something, that life is passing me by, that I am missing the best part of things around me. Life is not perfect yet by any means, but I am overjoyed to have ended that period of my life where I was a slave to a pill – that really is the most accurate description. I haven’t found religion or God, no mysterious force saved me or showed me the way; I did it by sheer willpower (and with the support of family), and so can you. This website really helped me; reading the stories of others who were going through the same weird feelings was integral in my decision to get off these pills. I hope my story helps. Good luck friends.
Mindoveraddy
I hope you see this comment, your story will always be in the back of my mind. You are so strong. Thank you for sharing that, it really helps. I am so happy for you that you were able to do it. 6 months of that hell, I can’t imagine, but you did it and you survived and you are better now. I don’t want to be a slave to a pill anymore either. I am still trying to believe that it is possible to quit on a dose a fraction of yours, so it is really relieving to know that you did it and it is. I’m so happy for you.
I’ve been on adderall since I was in the fourth grade. I’m now I’m my second year of college. I’m proud to say that I have been off of it for half a year now. I always blamed school and work for needed it every day of my life, I even struggled with people not wanting to be around me when i was off of it because I wouldn’t be focused on anything. I learned that i didnt ever learn how to control my add and focus on school work or anything else because I relied on the adderall to do all my thinking for me. When I got off of it, I struggled alot with teaching myself how to remember things and learn that I don’t need it. My family found that I was a delight to be around without it because I was myself again. I used to be perscribed to the 30mg extended release once a day. It’s nice to know that people went through thw same struggles I did and to realize that you’re better off without it. It feels good to be me again!
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Just found this site and read all the posts/comments. Blown away by how much I relate. First of all, Mike- you are the coolest. So fucking smart, and nice. THANK YOU! I am 28 years old and have been taking adderall for about 9 years. Been prescribed for 8. Tried it, loved it, wanted it, eventually got a prescription, and thus began my glorious new adderrall life. Dosage started at 5mg and gradually increased to 60mg a day, which is where I’ve been for the past… 7 years? I KNOW I need to quit. If I want to “awaken” and that kind of stuff. Which I do. I’m simply scared, terrified, of the inevitable apathy/ sluggishness/ lack of “creativity” to follow. Even though I do trust that it will get better, and deep down I know that staying on adderall is stunting my growth. Spiritually, mentally, emotionally, creatively- and I’m sure it’s not helping physically. I feel like I’ve kinda sorta started weaning myself off it, but really I’ve just started sleeping at normal hours. I have a lot of adderall dreams too. In one, I was at the ticket counter at a theatre and Deepak Chopra was the vendor and he checked my purse and said I couldn’t go inside because I had adderall and I was furious and screaming at him and then he took them and ate them. Weird. Anyway, I’ll check back in. I’m really glad I found this site.
Hello everyone struggling out there. I was hooked on this soul eating pill for years. Nothing compared to it. I dont need to explain how it makes you feel you all know very well. What I do want to say that it is possible to completely quit. It took me a whole year and having to move to another country to forget about it. But I did it. You can to!You know the nights you lay in your bed wide awake feeling your heart pound so hard the mattress is moving? Its NOT worth it. Losing yourself. your friends. your motivation without it.Cant even get out of bed without it. It WILL MAKE YOU CRAZY.
YOU can be happy again. That happy that you will feel without it again will be so high that no pill can offer.
Good luck to all of you.
Adderall is great, I don’t feel bad taking it and I never have the urge to take more or spiral into an obsession. Everyone has a different brain chemistry, the drug didn’t work for you, stop blaming the drug and start thinking that maybe the chemical interactions within your brain when combined with the drug were not favorable and perhaps a different chemical would have been a better solution for you. Or no additional chemicals either way we are all just chemicals so no need to discriminate really.
Wow so happy I found this website. I quit about 2 years ago but I sometimes relapse, usually it’s one or two days a month. It’s hard.
So glad to have found this site. Adderall addiction almost ruined my life, like many others on this page, it deadened my soul and my beautiful spirit. My story is almost exactly like others’ stories- no sleep, no food, crashing, binging, anger, meanness, chain smoking, psychosis, delusions, OCD, mood swings, depression, a crumbling life. I finally got help for this evil pill addiction and I am now 9 months clean. I can laugh and feel real joy and do all the things I once thought I couldn’t do without it. I never thought I could live a wonderful life without it. So thankful to be off that shit. It’s possible to get to the other side. Fuck that adderall shit.
[…] Why Adderall Is Evil | Quitting Adderall – Why Adderall is Evil January 11th, 2009 by Mike. The great truth of this life is success by righteous effort. Any substance that removes the effort from life also …… […]
Hey everyone, I have had severe chronic pain due to Ehler’s Danlos Syndrome for my entire life. I only got a painkiller that worked quite recently (fentanyl) the fact that it is 80x stronger than morphine should tell y’all that it’s ahellish level of pain. Up to this point, the only thing keeping me moving and getting out of bed in the morning , but the fentanyl helps a.great deal so the addall is no longer integral to me getting out if bed, but whenever I wasn’t taking any li.da of drugs, I felt like I was going to die. I had two years where my pain was untreated. Noonly did I completely lose my sanity, but I also wanted to die. Constantly. Are you telling me that the adderall I wasn’t taking is the cause of all my ills? I do also have ADD. Definitively. My ills are caused because my body doesn’t produce structurally sound collagen. Adderall in fact kept me going. Whenever I stopped it (which I’ve done for considerable lengths of time), nothing but pain and misery were in my life. It’s not fair that you call adderall evil
My Mom got prescribed to adderal when my doctor prescribed it to me.
At first i thought it was great. eventually I felt my Personailty was not the same it used to be so i quit. My Mom kept taking it and she has slowly lost her mind.
After about 6 years since. All she does now is talk to her self and says the world is after her. she has tried to kill herself and sometimes hints toward the idea. she thinks she has a chip in her brain controlling her and she has pushed away everyone who loves her. She suffers delusion after delusion.
To this day if i say she needs to quit adderal, she grabs her purse (where she keeps the pills) and yells at me in denial.
If only she knew that if she stopped taking adderall, all her delusions and crazy voices in her head will go away eventually. but she wont, she is to far into her drug induced world. and im afraid ill never get my mom back.
Please dont take adderall. it has taken my mother away from me. I might never get her back and that scares me. Please do not take adderall, please.
Adderall temporarily takes your creativity(which I as an artist need) and enters you in a messed up state. It also takes the fun and purpose out of doing work. I’m glad that I can have a chance to regain it again, however. Anyone can if they detox their body.
To Entry 96 “M”, I used to feel the same way until it affects your brain after using it for a long time. The time to feel the horrible effects also depends on the brain of each person. Therefore, you are probably posting too early…
M (96)
I’m sorry but I think you are posting a bit too early. That statement is what I used to think. Then the adderall started to mess me up. It usually takes a long time for adderall users to feel the symptoms, regardless of the brain chemistry.
Read it, liked it, thanks for it
If u want to do adderall, might as well just use coke, jk. What is the purpose of adderall? To give u better grades, to give u motivation, to make you feel euphoric? It robs away your life. The government is so evil. They should never let us use this ADHD crap. Sure, some people have difficulties focusing but that doesn’t mean that you should take amphetamine. Imagine how chaotic this world would be if everyone popped an orange pill everyday. It’s not a mind opening drug at all. Just roll a joint and stop ur pill head activities. Shit is probably really toxic to the liver.
Adderall is absolute hell. I was robbed of happiness and human connection. I felt dead inside and as if the devil was running my body, mind and actions. I was controlled like a puppet and I will never allow anyone to tell me what’s right for me. So they say I have adult adhd, whatever. I managed to get by on my own all my life and I will continue but this time, with God as my strength. He is my doctor and I will never go back on the road of prescription drugs. I finally got my soul back. I feel alive. I am free.