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Contact5 Signs that You’re Ready to Quit Adderall
February 10th, 2011 by Mike1. An important part of yourself feels neglected.
I posted a poll a while ago, asking people why they wanted to quit Adderall. The top answer (by a wide margin) was “To get back a piece of myself that feels lost.”
It’s easy to pat yourself on the back for the work that you do on Adderall. You get so much of it done, you’re so good at it, and everyone praises you for it. And yet, you’re not comfortable defining yourself just by the work you’re currently doing. You are more than this. You just haven’t gotten around to showing that other side of you yet. But you will. As soon as you finish this one more glorious Adderall-fueled project.
Most people can hardly suppress their natural passions for a moment, much less a year or more. But you have Adderall, the ultimate anesthetic for natural passion. With Adderall, you can ignore all the things that formerly defined you and shove them back to the dim corners of your heart.
But it is very hard to suppress those passions forever, even with Adderall. You may not think of your natural passions much during your honeymoon phase of taking Adderall, or you may simply reassure yourself that you’ll get back to those other things soon or after a certain goal. But one day it will have been too long, and your natural passions will start to speak up again, and their words will be accusations. “You have abandoned us,” they will whisper.
2. Sometimes you wish you could turn it off
Adderall is good at so many things: Work, school, cleaning, taking notes, organizing — these are all activities where Adderall shines. But what about hanging out and relaxing with friends? What about being affectionate with your significant other? What about all those times when you don’t need to be productive, you just need to be…yourself?
The benefit of Adderall is that it puts you into hyper work mode instantly. The downside is that it doesn’t let you snap out of hyper work mode, even when you desperately want to.
This desire to “turn it off” starts small. You’ll be a situation that makes you think “I kind of wish I wasn’t all tweaked-out on Adderall right now.” And then you start to realize the connection between all of those situations — they’re all times when you need to be yourself, and they’re supposed to be some of the most important parts of your life, but you under-prioritize them because you’re too tweaked-out.
It makes you wonder what life would be like if you prioritized those “being yourself” times like most people do…if you were weighted towards that instead of being weighted towards the other you…the person you are at work.
More on this here: Top 5 “I wish I could turn it off” Situations
3. In some ways you regret ever having taken Adderall
It’s hard to realize how much Adderall changes you until you’ve been on it for a while. Adderall creates a different version of you. It alters your personality, your decisions, how you think of yourself, and your approach to life. If you take Adderall for several years, you might be a vastly different person from who you would have been if you hadn’t taken Adderall to begin with.
Some people may be happy about this. They may conclude that they are better now than they would have otherwise been (and if that’s you, then stop reading this website).
But some of you will conclude that you are not better, and fantasize about what life might be like now if you had taken the natural path from the start. But it’s so hard to turn back once your mind has tasted Adderall, and you’re afraid that you can never fully go back to who you were before. You fear that you are forever warped. The only way to be 100% yourself would be to go back in time and skip that first pill, but it’s too late for that now.
4. You wonder what your life would look like if you hadn’t taken that first Adderall
You often think about what your life might look like if you had never taken Adderall, and often conclude that it would look better.
Maybe your work ethic would be ingrained and on-tap at all times, ready to turn on or off at a moment’s notice, instead of having to wait 20 minutes for the pill to kick in, then having to be “on” for at least 4 hours. Your willpower would be hardened and practiced after many hard battles one (instead of leaning on the pills like a willpower crutch).
Maybe you would have been more ruthless about prioritizing your life and sticking to your big goals, more focused on the forest instead of getting lost in the trees. Maybe you’d be a better, stronger person. Maybe your job would be totally different. Maybe your love life would be totally different. Maybe it’s the path you should’ve taken, and the destination you should have met instead of missed.
5. You envy others who are living their life without Adderall.
Maybe this is just me, but I used to look at others who were not on Adderall and envy them for being on a path. I would think “Look at her…building her willpower and work ethic one hard-won task at a time, guided by her passions and mistakes into a life path that suits her. Even her missteps help point her in the right direction. That must be nice. Little does she know that I’m secretly damned, and will be stuck where I am forever.”
Note that I don’t mean to suggest that you envy others who aren’t on Adderall because you feel inferior for “needing it.” If you do need Adderall, and it does help you, then you shouldn’t feel guilty or inferior. People who abuse Adderall (or use it as prescribed but don’t need to) often feel like they’re going sideways in life and cheating, removing themselves from the natural, self-adjusting path that most other people seem to be on. If you feel that kind of envy on a regular basis, then it might be time to try quitting.
I’m stuck in a rut where I sometimes take it and sometimes not. I stop for a while, begin again, stop again, the cycle continues. I’m upset that I can’t just quit it. The only thing that helps me is Namenda or Memantine which counters the psychic addiction, which I originally took for tolerance. I don’t want to replace it with another drug though.
I don’t know what to do with my ADD at this point. Should I seek to treat it, or should I just accept it?
Sick Kid,
Why do you stop?
I stopped due to health concerns. I’m permanently rewiring my brain all to clean my room? Its terrible. I need this drug to stay up after taking it for a while.
I want to stop being so dependent on it. The usage just creeps up, anyone can add it to their lives, and after a while you need it to maintain your life. I get no euphoria, I get no fun anymore using it, as it is just stimulation at this point. I used it since it made stuff fun, but now it doesn’t ‘work.’ Ritalin is even worst. Healthwise I look great, but I’m sick of being so dependent.
Lets see… Check, Check, Check, Check, Check! Looks like I chose the right path! 🙂
Sick Kid, I just posted in the forums all about “cleaning my room”. Its called 44 days, and its about how I think about certain tasks in order to get them done. It may or may not help you?
In the meantime though, you CAN QUIT!! And you will be so much happier when you do, if only for the fact that you are so miserable taking it now.
It takes awhile for your system to re-adjust. I have a month and a half without it, and I’m all kinds of messed up. I’m tired, lazy, confused, frustrated, and my life is falling apart around me.
I am also very happy sometimes. I love hanging out with my friends now, although sometimes I have to force myself to leave the house. I get very happy and giddy often now. And its the true kind of happiness that doesn’t come from a pill. My smiles are REAL smiles, and everyone can see that. I get nothing done and I am SILLY SILLY SILLY. Because although I get very depressed sometimes, I don’t feel that life is such a heavy thing all day long like I used to. The things I used to get stressed over really aren’t such a big deal, it turns out. Life is about loving and laughing. And I wouldn’t trade it for any stack of filed papers or clean rooms in the world.
And don’t worry, we’ll get that stuff done eventually. <3.
Best of luck, please keep coming and trying.
Mike I just have to say THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR MAKING THIS WEBSITE. It is SO hard to find anything about wanting to quit drugs…which is ridiculous. I’ve been on Vyvanse for quite a while now and honestly it helps me function but then I come home and just feel like staring at a wall or biting anyone who comes near me. It’s awful. I don’t even remember what I should be like, really, or what I was like without it. I am dependent and they never told me that would happen or how miserable it would be if I ever wanted to quit the meds. I am so frustrated about that.
I’m not completely mental or anything, I have a wonderful boyfriend and a job, but I’m not happy. I use to be so musical and artistic but I just don’t have the drive for it much anymore, and it gets worse when they up my dose. I’ve been trying to find information about quitting for the past few weeks, and it’s near impossible. I also just read a book called Anatomy of an Epidemic by Robert Whitaker, and it’s incredible, and frightening. I would advise anyone and everyone who’s been on drugs or considering taking them to get their hands on it.
THANKS AGAIN!
I started taking Vyvanse over a month ago. When I say started taking I mean I got a prescription finally. I used to abuse adderall and a few times vyvanse in scary amounts. People I know get a crazy effect off of a 30 mg in one night well I used to take 90+mg in one night then take more the next day just to stay awake. I do have ADHD and have never been able to just take a small dose in the morning and feel fine all day. Yes it makes me feel like superman and I enjoy being better at everything I do. I don’t know why I feel the need to take extreme amounts to feel something I guess my dopamine levels are just really messed up. I know alot about drugs and would never take more than what I really don’t think I could handle without fear of overdosing. However from all the research I’ve done people get scared that 90mg of vyvanse or so is too much. I have taken two months prescriptions in 4 weeks. This past one I think I took close to 300+mg a day and am about to run out after 1 week. I am really suprised I’m not dead. I havn’t felt like I was ever close to overdosing maybe I just have a crazy tolerance. Either way, I am starting to get worried and depressed. I don’t want to feel this way anymore and I’m worried somehow even though I can’t feel it, its doing disastrous things to my body.
Mr. Anonymous,
Maybe it’s good that you’re starting to “get worried and depressed”. It sounds like you’re nearing the end of the honeymoon phase. The sooner ya stop, the easier it is. Once you “have to” take them just to function, it gets so much harder to stay off them. It gets real lonely about that time, too. You’ll probably start having very nasty comedowns and then… paranoia and hallucinations. At first, you know they’re not real. It gets more real.
Listen to your instinct. This isn’t who you are. Good luck!
@Jenna – If you’re the artistic type, I can almost guarantee you that those talents and ambitions will come rushing back to you when you lower your dose or quit. That part of yourself is not gone or lost or dead. It is just very muffled. When you remove muffle for long enough, the songs below rise back up to full volume…and beyond.
Thanks for the book suggestion! I’ll have to look into Epidemic. I think I’ll eventually get a book list going like the song list, and maybe that can go on it!
IM NOT
IM NOT ARTISTIC OR CREATIVE VERY MUCH BUT ADDERAL MAKES ME DO MY WORK AND BE THE PERSON I WANT TO BE HOPE YOU GUYS DIDNT FEEL THIS WAY WHEN YOU STARTED TOO.
HOW LONG DID IT TAKE TO STOP WORKING?
Anonymous,
The list of 5 Signs above is partially meant to help weed out those who want to quit from those who are happy on it. You sound like you fall into the latter category.
So stop reading this site right now. It may not be for you. And if you keep reading it, you will only become undeservedly conflicted. There is nothing wrong with being happy on Adderall. This site is only for people who have become unhappy with it. If you ever reach that point, then come back. Until then, for your own sanity, please ignore this entire website.
Jenna is right — Anatomy of an Epidemic is a really fine book, well researched and troubling. The main problem it explores re: Ritalin and Adderall is that some children put on these stimulants end up getting diagnosed as bipolar and put on heavy antipsychotic meds when perhaps they were just having an adverse reaction to speed. It looks like this is now happening to adults as well — just look at comments to previous post on Bipolar.
Another really good book:
On Speed: The Many Lives of Amphetamine by Nicolas Rasmussen
This tracks the medical and non-medical uses of speed in the 20th century including its checkered past as an “antidepressant” and weight loss drug… also its use in combat by all sides in WWII with not so hot outcomes. Just as patients today are being told they were obviously “latent bipolar”, and stimulants or antidepressants just “unmasked” the disease, apparently the same lame excuse was made in earlier decades for amphetamine-induced paranoia.
Mike,
No articles since Feb. 10th?! I’ve been checking every week. I’m highly dissapointed. 🙁 I’ve been clean for 116 days. The longest I’ve gone without it in 6 years. I’m so happy!!!!!!! Hope you post again soon. 🙂
Erin!
What, you didn’t see the shiny new forums? 🙂
I’m kind of taking some time right now to focus on creating QuittingAdderall.com 2.0, so I won’t be posting at the rate I used to, as I’ll be spending my time on design and development. But they’ll be a couple few new posts right after the redesign launches (I’ve been saving them).
Super-congrats on 116 days. That’s huge! That’s like 4 months! Now you should be past the worst of the crash and you can start by focus on ever so gradually improving. It takes a lot of time, and it isn’t always noticeable, but if you keep working at it every day you’ll get to where you want to be. So keep going!
Wow, I can’t believe you were on television! I mean I can, but wow, that’s awesome!! So proud of you! 🙂
That doctor really ticked me off on there. The video cut out halfway through, but you did great. I’m going to check out your new forum now. 🙂
It is a hard drug to deal with, im addicted pretty hard, i wake up really pissed off at everything until the pills kick in, i dont get high anymore off em I just need them, i been taking 5 or 6 20mg XR everyday, and im going insane… it started with just one 20mg and i was cleaning and getting things done, loosing weight, passing all my courses, but the adderall does make u a different person. im making decisions when im high and regretting them later on, it feels like my head is a balloon constantly, and i cant go #2, this is a bad drug to abuse!! if your thinkin about tryin it dont!! trust me, the only way i can somewhat sleep for 3 hours a night is to drink half a fifth of whisky, i need help, but i have no one to ask, an i cant do it on my own, ill go insane, i just want to end it all, but i dont want to go to hell, i tell myself im done after the 20 i bought are gone, but then i end up freaking out and buying more, an i cant just waste them, im not just a regular user, im turning into a junkie, i finnally see it, god bless you all
I wrote in several months ago about feeling successful in quitting adderall. I am feeling the opposite now. I have two kids, teach kindergarten, and have a husband that has – let’s say – “unrealistic expectations of our home”. Well, after two months of sobriety, I relapsed becuase I just couldn’t do it all any more without horrible and negative consequences. Ever since I started again, I’ve been having chest pains. I’m not sure if they are truly serious pains, or merely the beginning of my panic attacks again. I would love any advise as to how you get through those “impossible” situations. Also, has anyone ever tried any detox programs? I’ve had several people tell me about the “Clean Program”. Thanks again.
I guess I should elaborate and say that I am “abusing” for sure. I am one who uses a month suply in two weeks or so. Every night (late night) I have to drink and take Zanax to come down enough to try and go to sleep. And, every night, I tell myself I will never do this again. Mike, I love how you say that if you are unhappy with it, it is time to quit. Well, I understand everything that everyone has said about being unhappy – losing the euphoric effect, being paranoid, losing your sence of self. Any insight would be greatly appreciated. And Mike, you rock for going on tv. People need to know how truly dangerous this drug can be!
Has anyone else here been part of Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous or other addiction support groups? Krys, I get the feeling maybe you have, since you talk about sobriety and relapse. I’ve been part of AA for a long time and it literally saved my life. The friendship and support of other people who had “been there” helped me and taught me like nothing else could. At the same time I hesitate to talk about my struggles with Adderall and other psych drugs in AA because people are confused about whether these can even be addictions. Talk about “going off your meds”, and folks get understandably nervous.
If anyone else has tried these groups, either to kick Adderall or for help with addictions to “Bad Drugs” like booze or cocaine, I’d love to hear about it!
@Krys,
The short answer on overcoming impossible situations, at least for me, was: be really, really selfish. A lot of Adderallics (myself included) care very much about the approval of others, and are therefore very hurt by the disapproval of others. That hang-up, which belongs to you and not the Adderall, makes quitting much harder on you. Whereas other (lesser) people might be able to skirt their obligations without giving them a second though, it’s very difficult for the Adderallic type to watch their reputation fall, to disappointed others, and to be a less than a star (or worse, less than average) in any area of her life.
You just have to give up all that and prioritize your recovery over everything else…obligations as well as people. You have to only do things that will help you continue your recovery, and avoid like the plague anything that’s going to make it harder on you.
Obviously, there’s a limit to how far you can go with this since you have kids. But you definitely sound like you have some room to budge with your husband, even if it pisses him off. Hopefully you can have a good talk with him to help him understand what you’re going through and why.
These articles might help:
1. Quitting Adderall FAQ: How can I face losing the approval of everybody whose opinion means so much to me?
2. Top 5 Situations that Will Tempt You to Take a Pill
Hang in there!
I have taken adderall for about three years now and at first I loved it. My grades have significantly approved and I became very motivated.But I became too focused, too self absorbed. If something wasnt done perfectly i’d cry. Id go on anger rages. I felt as though the medication turned me into this extremely emotional human being.Almost manic depressive. I rarely laughed, there was never time for laughter or enjoyment because I was too busy and to focused on other priorities. Basically on paper, adderall did wonders for me, I became very health concious, got in great shape, did well in school and at work. But inside none of that mattered. I was lacking life.I was introverted(once very outgoing and social). Adderall had changed me into this ornery, introverted, selfish person. I have now been off adderall for a month and I have never been happier. Life is meaningful.Everyday means something. I can love things for there imperfections. I am no longer an emotional mess. there is great hope out there. Life is soo much better drug free:)
Hey Mike.
“If you’re the artistic type, I can almost guarantee you that those talents and ambitions will come rushing back to you when you lower your dose or quit. That part of yourself is not gone or lost or dead. It is just very muffled. When you remove muffle for long enough, the songs below rise back up to full volume…and beyond.”
-Just wanted to thank you for that. I was reminiscing today back to when I was 18 & the stupid doctor told me I needed pills to be normal(like something was wrong with me, grr) all because I procrastinated. I’d rather dance around my apartment for hours, jump on my mini trampoline, , make funny youtube videos, & anything other than study…DUH, studying sucks & it WAS not my passion. I’m 22 now and I feel like I lost my prime years to be silly and procrastinate with it still being okay. Pre-adderall I wanted to be a comedic or actress(really both), but the older I get the harder it’ll be to pursue I think…better get a move on it though while I’m still young and cute! ANYWAY I was just wondering today if I would ever get back that artistic, goofy, random girl that always had everyone around her laughing. I miss her.
Hey Mike:
I’m turning 26 next month, and I first tried adderall when I was 21 years old, a senior in college. It was amazing and got me through my thesis and finals…but the most amazing thing about it was that it “cured” my eating disorder. I had developed bulemia/binge eating disorder that really started to get out of control. I was never really fat, but very pear shaped. I was about 150 pounds. Was never a big runner — I would get tired after 10 minutes. I know I should get myself to therapy at some point and deal with that, but anyways. In just a few months, I had lost 10-15 lbs and EVERYONE was commenting on how amazing I looked. And I did. And the adderall stopped me from bingning and purging. I probably wasn’t eating enough, but I was eating a lot more healthier than I was before, and I was able to stop from overeating. It was such a relief. And I had started running on adderall — I was able to run more than 3 miles, 4 miles, and keep going and going and it was great.
Then my supply ran out, but I was a lot better with my eating habits. I still threw up sometimes, still excercised. I moved to NYC after college and started a very stressful job. I continued binging/purging even more and got to a really bad place, and I decided to see a doctor and got myself a prescription to 20mg of adderall. That was almost four years ago. I haven’t thrown up in three years from binging. I’m now 125-130 lbs and have been for three years. I know I’m at a healthy weight for my height (5’3), and I’m definitely not “adderall” skinny. But the adderall has started to wear off, I’m so tired now in the afternoons (the adderall only works in the mornings now) but I can’t sleep at night and I’m such a moodier, unmotivated, unhappy person now. I need to quit.
Today was my first day off of adderall. I just cannot handle the fact that I will gain 20 lbs back. I know this makes me sound so vain, but i’m more concerned about overeating, binging, purging. I know I relied on food to fill some sort of emotional need or deal with problems, and adderall somehow fixed that.
Anyways, I need to quit because I feel so guilty, no one knows I take it except my doctor — I’ve been living with my boyfriend for three years and he has NO idea and we’re planning on getting enganged soon and eventually have babies, and I don’t know what he would say if he knew I took adderall. My mom has no clue and thinks I look great. I cannot go back to binging. But I’ve tried for so long.
Mike:
A question for you: Does adderall alone help burn calories? i’m just worried that when i stop taking it, even if i continue to eat the way i have while on adderall, I’ll automatically gain weight back.
Thanks so much.
Wow, I’m so pumped about finding this site it’s not even funny. Mike, I am in my second to last semester of law school and have been using adderall as a crutch the whole time. While I am not prescribed to it, I have always been completely dependent on it during exam times in both law school and college…and fucking high school too now that I think about it. With exams around the corner, do you think it is worth it to try to plow through them this one time completely naked, or do I want to wait until I have time to get over this dependency? I want this shit out of my life so badly, but concentrating on the Tax Code or the UCC without adderall is like trying to play pool with a piece of rope.
Hi Everybody! Thanks for all your wonderful comments. But FWIW, I read every comment that comes through, even if I don’t get a chance to reply.
@Holly – Yay! Now the trick is: How can you, now sober, reacquire those qualities that you DID like about what Adderall did for you?
@Kari – At 22, you’re getting to the age when YOUR FRIENDS stop procrastinating and being silly. Their path doesn’t have to have any baring on your path (though it’ll be hard not to be pressured by their status).
Plus, you have much more time than you think left. We’ve already extended our prime by a decade, so that 30 is the new 20, 40 is the new 30, etc. By the time you get there, it’ll be extended even more. You’re going to see the birth of the age of regenerative medicine before you’re 30. Quantum computing before you’re 40. Many scientists posit that the life expectancy for anybody who is under the age of 40 right now is around 150 years.
My point is, now more than ever, you cannot base the expectations you place on your own timeline on the timelines of your friends or of people in the past. Do what you need to do for you right now.
This is kind of cheesy, but it helped me: A 35-year-old woman was once on Dr. Phil, expressing dissatisfaction over her career choice. She wanted to be a doctor. “So go be a doctor!”, said Dr. Phil. “But that will take like 12 years”, she replied. Dr. Phil asked: “When did you first have this urge to be a doctor?”. “Um, about ten years ago I guess.” So Dr. Phil said: “See, if you had started 10 years ago, you’d already almost be a doctor now. The next ten years will pass by even faster than the last ten. And ten years from now, you’ll be sitting here, and you’ll either be still thinking about it, or you’ll almost be to your dream with still lots of life left.”
Also: If you told me you wanted to be a fashion model, maybe I could see you being self-conscious about being 22. But comedic actresses can still be great any age. Lisa Kudrow didn’t start pursuing her acting career until she was 22…and she did OK. Plus everyone in hollywood is older (and shorter) than they are portrayed on film.
So go for it. Chase your dreams now. If you start at 22, I promise you that in the end that will seem like an early start on a process that most people don’t begin until their 30s or 40s…and then it can often really be too late.
@Tracy – In some ways, you’re kind of in a better situation than most people are when they quit Adderall. Most people worry about quitting Adderall because they’ll lose their superhuman work ethic, their confidence, their alertness and energy, their willpower…these are lots of problems on lots of fronts. And they’re all very real and very hard to overcome.
You on the other hand only have ONE primary worry: Weight gain. In my experience, of all the struggles and unpleasant consequences of quitting Adderall, weight gain is the easiest to address. Because it’s just your body you have to fix! IMHO, your body is much easier to repair than your mind.
Running is the easiest way to fix/prevent the post-Adderall weight gain. I know you said that you were only able to run good distances after you started taking Adderall, but what you may not realize is that by running those distances — even on Adderall — you’ve broken down that 10 minute barrier in your head. Psychologically, you’ve conquered running once. You’ve raised your minimum expectation for what makes for “a run” from 10 minutes to 3-4 miles.
Unless you have CFS or something, that mental barrier should stay conquered for the rest of your life now.
I used to hate running. Like, I despised it. So naturally, I joined the Cross Country team in HS. I never did any races, but I would got to practice several days a week and train with them. In those training sessions, I had to suck up and deal with every running horror in the book: going up gigantic hills over and over, running distances far greater than I ever considered before, and keeping up with people who would look back and wonder why I was wheezing half the time when they were just getting warmed up.
And then one day a normal run just didn’t seem so bad anymore. I would just immediately suck it and and be like “Ok, it’s just a run, we’ve done this a lot before.”
Of course, it wasn’t until many years later, when I added music to a nighttime run, that I actually fell in love with running.
And now I feel sad if I DON’T get to run every week. I actually find runs peaceful, cleansing, and relaxing.
But I still fucking hate swimming.
Anyhow, back to your situation: You only have ONE thing you have to prioritize in your quiting — keeping your weight off without binging/purging. I have very little experience with eating disorders, but I do understand compulsive behavior. And the key to breaking compulsive behavior is to resist the compulsion enough times that it stops being so strong.
Fix your food intake. Develop a meal plan, stick too it, and do not puke it up. The new law of reality for you is: The only way to make the fat go away is to melt it off with running and exercise. Replace your compulsion to purge with a compulsion to exercise/run. Every time you start feeling that bubble of self-consciousness and worry and fear and obsessive paranoia about your flabby parts…and you start feeling the urge to purge, channel it immediately. Re-route that neural connection in your brain so that instead of “Oh shit I just ate something bad it’s going to make my fat worse now…..purge”, you have “Oh shit I just ate something bat it’s going to make my fat worse….run.”
Forget about every other aspect of quitting Adderall and recovery. In your case, if you can beat the weight on your own through exercise instead of purging, you’ve won.
I know you have this in you.
@Tracy (part 2) – I’m no chemist, but I don’t think Adderall itself burns calories, but the effects of Adderall (putting your system into overdrive) probably does burn more calories. I think being awake more instead of sleeping burns calories, I think having less hunger leaves less calories to burn, and MAYBE the adrenaline Adderall puts into your system speeds everything up and makes it burn more calories.
Take two people who are going to sit at a desk for eight hours everyday, eating exactly the same meals at exactly the same times, and leading identical lives and schedules outside of work. Feed one of them Adderall. Even if both people consume the same amount of the same food (although realistically the Adderallic will consume less), and even if both people could maintain an identical sleep schedule (although realistically the Adderallic would sleep less)…there would still be subtle, calorie-burning differences in the Adderall user. Her posture would be more upright. Her actions would be more hurried and numerous…things like that…little things that you’d never notice on your own but which probably burn calories. That makes sense to me. Not so sure about the idea of adrenaline speeding up your metabolism, but that would make sense too if it turned out to be true.
@G – I’d say finish out this semester with your Addys, then use the break to get through withdrawals, then take a much lighter load next semester. It might take you a little longer to graduate, but you’ll graduate with a rebuilt work ethic ready to face the challenges of your law career….instead of graduating with a dependency that won’t be fun to overcome in the job market. If you think grades and degree requirements are a big pressure, wait until your paycheck depends on your pill addiction. It’s much worse.
Of course, this only works if you actually do quit when this semester is up (instead of just rationalizing “Ok, I know what I said, but I think I’ll just go until I graduate”). 🙂
I love how insightful you are, seriously. That’s a good point…everyone goes through their own stages at different times of their lives and I can’t always follow my friend’s. At this point, the thought of acting like a grown up, with a “real job” and paying all my own bills(not meant to come off as spoiled), makes me want to take more adderall. SO I know I’m not in that stage yet. Like I said in my first post on here, I quit for 8 months and got to the point where I DESPISED adderall and everything about it, but then I had a million things on my plate at once so I called the doctor. Honestly it was just as hard to take that first pill after doing so good on my own, as it was to quit a few months before that. I’m stronger now though. I guess that’s the one good thing I got out of a relapse, I learned my trigger. Thank you though, you’ve got me excited for May when I finally quit this crap all the way (hoping I still feel this way in may, after I graduate)!
And I’m really glad Tracy asked that question because I had just googled “post-adderall weight gain” and of course, it linked me to your site. I never had a weight problem (just serious body image issues) but when I quit for a few months I definitely gained weight and it felt like no amount of exercise or dieting would get it off…so I am kind of convinced it’s similar to a thermogenic fat burner, but that is strictly my opinion. Next time I’m gonna approach it different though. I’m gonna try my best to not weight from the start. If I don’t gain it, I wont have any to lose it. Easier said than done I know, but we’ll see.
@Tracy, your story hits close to home. I have had a problem with binging/purging since I was 16 and Adderall “fixed” itfor me too. With that, near perfect grades, and superb cleaning habits-it’s no wonder we get addicted. When I first attempted to quit, I moved to NYC for an internship and the ugly habit came back…so I’ve been there too. It seems like I’m always trading one addiction for another. I think the real key is finding a healthy addiction to take over (think yoga, running (like Mike said), writing, whatever works for you). I’ll let you know if I find mine. Anyway, hang in there, you’re not alone.
@Mike and @Kari: Thank you guys so much for your responses — very helpful and encouraging. @Mike, I hear what you’re saying about the mental barrier. It’s been 3 days for me now without adderall and I’ve been sleeping a lot better, though I’m still feeling super fatigued and out of it at work…but I think it’s getting better. I’m going to try to go for a run today, I’ll let you know what happens.
I have not gotten rid of my pills for this month. Not sure what I’m keeping them around for.
Last night in bed, I started thinking about issues in my life and all of these emotions came pouring through. It sort of felt like the adderall for three years kept those emotions and feelings at bay, and now that I’ve quit adderall I’m starting to feel them all again. I know it’s only been 3 days since I last took a pill, but I think because I’m mentally ready to quit (and I have Mike and this site and everyone’s comments to thank for that), I’m starting to evaluate everything. I’m terrified right now of those emotions leading to binging/purging. I’m so scared that I’m going to go back to relying on food to help me forget about the hurt in my life (sorry, not to sound corny — but there’s some tough stuff in past that I know haunts me). So, I am going to make an appointment on Monday with a therapist and pour EVERYTHING out to her or him. As you both said, we need to find a healthy addiction, replace the bad thoughts with positive (When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I need to go for a walk or run).
I’ll keep you posted. “I know you have this in you” and “Hang in there, you’re not alone” are two sentences that I know are going to stick in my mind through all of this…so thank you both. So much.
I think the best way to do it is by educating yourself on the consequences that this drug will have on your system. My sister is a doctor and I read all of her pharmacology books to see how it affected my body and brain and could not find any usefull information.
I have been using adderall for a year now and i quit 4 days ago. I just could not take it anymore. My grades were suffering, my work, my relationships, but I was not able to realize it, because that’s what adderall does to you. It numbs you and makes you beleive that everything is fine. But it’s not.
Last week I was taking up to 70-80 mg per day and my perscribed dose is only 40 mg a day. I was barely sleeping and feeling miserable.
Then I watched this movie ” Requiem for a dream”. That did it for me. Every time I am tempted to reach for the bottle I recall the lady in the movie and I just do not want to end up like her.
So, it definitely helps to have an actual image of your life could end up being if you continue to abuse it.
First day was a sunday so I slept it off. Monday I had to go to work and felt exhausted. However got through it.
Tuesday, same as Monday.
Today 4th day, not bad. I am not as sleepy, even if I did not get much done.
I am just so scared to be alone. And that’s what adderall or any drug does to you. It trapps you in this dark world and you feel so alone and miserable, with this big secret and the regrets and the suffering uhhhhhhhhh!
It just takes a lot of energy. Too much!
Tomorrow day 5. Wish me luck.
I know anyone can do it. Just watch that movie or read the books some suggested and trust me, that will be your constant reminder not to take it again.
Today is my first day 100% Adderall FREE after almost 7-years being on it! I stepped down from 40mgs to ZERO in just 10-day! I had minimal withdrawl symptoms. I took several detox baths to sweat the drug out, walked and ate tons of mango’s, oranges and spinich. I also started taking suppliments about 6-months ago and increased my intake of L-Tyrosine and Zinc to help my crash. I ded have some withdrawl last night and the night before so I took 2 Benedryl to help me relax and sleep. I have some soreness in my muscles and feel very tired but I took a couple naps today. I also just took a TylenolPM for the aches and to help me sleep. I told my kids and husband “i am not super woman – i want time to recover. At least a week. If I can do this, anyone can!
Congrats, Terry! Smart idea on padding your crash with the supplements. Wish I had done that!
I’ve been on adderall for about a year taking it daily. I was prescribed it a few times before in high school but didn’t like the nervous effects it had on me so I didn’t take it very much. I dropped out of high school in 10th grade and got pregnant at 17. My parents kicked me out and i was on my own. I worked and did what I had to for my son. At 19, I got a prescription for adderall xr from my dr. Starting in January and within a year I got my GED, completed CNA certification, CMA certification and completed my pre-requisites for nursing school with a 4.0 all while working night shift. Adderall helped me to stay focused on my goals, study, and make good grades.
Here lately though, I’ve noticed a lot of negative effects. Also in december i had my prescription doubled. I don’t feel myself anymore, and I miss the special, outgoing, outspoken, friendly & loving person I used to be. I feel like a robot, kind of. I don’t feel like I focus as much on my son as I should. He was my one motivation to actually do something with my life, and I wanted adderall so I could get an extra “push” to do it all… but it’s turned into adderall thats getting me through the day, and I hate it.
Last night I woke up and was running late for work, I accidentally forgot my adderall. I had to make it through my shift last night without it, and while it was hell, it got me to thinking about how dependant I am, and how many bad effects it has on me (many i have not mentioned) and realized I’m probably addicted. I came home at 6am, its 9am and I feel lie crap, laying in my bed, but I am sooo happy I found this website to help me in this situation! Thank you for taking your time to do this site.
I’m ready to quit. I did get accepted to nursing school which starts in August, but I don’t want to wait (or waste) another year of my life not being me. I’m going to make myself do well in school without it. This is day 1 adderall free, wish me luck. (:
Hey! So I really dont know where to start and I dont know if this will make sense, like nothing make sense anymore 🙁 I am 17 years old and in highschool. I was diagnoised with ADHD about a year ago and started adderal. I have a lot of other learnign problems so my symptoms were thought to be the other issues. Prior to being diagnoised, I was fidgity,hyper,unfocused and distracted. I had tried allergy pills to get me to calm down. Nothing worked. I was frusterated and angry. When I was finally disagnoised I was started on adderal. I LOVED it! I was productive,focused and most importantly I felt calm. like a sense of calm but at the same time energized and excited. I was calm but eneergized and felt almost “speedy” while sitll feeling calm. The most boaring things suddently became exciting! Homework and projects were no longer hard and I was able to focus without being distracted. My grades improved significantly! I even took honnors classes becuase I could! Over time, The buzzzed speedy calm feeling went away. Thats when things got bad.. I depserently needed to feel that way again. I went form 5mg to 15 mg where I am now. I am veyr tiny (only 5 ft and weigh 87 pounds,due to not eating b/c of the addereal) When I am on it, I am tweaked, like if I have nothing to do I find random things liek color coating my notes or I re doing my makeup! I used to play the drums but since I started adderal, I dont and I miss them. I need to quit! My parnets dont realize much becuase they work most of the time and only come home at night when I am lying in my bed trying to sleep. I ran out of pills yesterday and I cant even blow my hair! Please, I am scared, I feel like if I stop I wont be able to do anything! Thank you for making this site, it relates to me so much! I wish you and everyone else good luck with your journy to qutting! I hope I can fidn the courage to do the same.
NM,
First, make sure that you want to quit completely. You have lived three different lifestyles:
1. You before Adderall
2. You on 5mg/day when you first started Adderall
3. You on 15mg/day when you felt TOO tweaked out.
Which life did you like best? Now think carefully because this is a hard one: Where do you think each lifestyle would have lead 5 years down the road?
Forget what you think your parents and teachers expect of you…what matters is what’s going to make you happy with yourself. If you liked who you were at #1 and only “got help” because of parental pressure, etc, then OK maybe consider quitting Adderall entirely. But if you had severe learning disabilities in #1 that were making you miserable, then maybe you should be thinking about scaling back to lifestyle #2 where you’re still taking a little Adderall, but not getting drugged up on it.
If you DO decide to scale back to the 5mg, then your goal will be to completely murder any expectation you have of “feeling good” and take a fixed dose without ever upping it yourself, like you would any other medicine like an antibiotic…and just continue your life with the little, subtle added focus.
@IJ – That special, outgoing, outspoke, friendly & loving person misses you too! Good luck. You’ll get back to her soon enough. Let us know how it goes!
I was addicted to this shit the very first time. I olny took 30mgs and I felt like heaven on the inside. I was like why did I wait so long I could loose weight I could have good sex I could study I could be anything or anyone I wanted to be. I fell in love. Now I don,t want to talk to anyone and I feel bugs crawling under my skin. I love to smoke cigerettes on this stuff. Im only 17 and my blood pressure is 145/80. I just can,t quit this stuff. Its hard because I know that only after a few days i can feel like heaven again because my tolerance reverses very fast. I just wish ppl understood just how potent this shit is.
Quick Successful Quitter update: I’ve been off of Adderall 100% since April 15th 2011 after being on it for 9 years (I calculated wrong the first time!).
Although it was VERY uncomfortable stepping down from (sometimes 50mgs per day “on stressful days” but 40mgs on “as prescribed days” I mentally prepared myself for the pending, yet, permanent exile of this overrated toxin from my body! (overrated for me because I’ve outgrown it)
Every day during my step down days I would tell myself that I am bigger than a pill and I DON’T need it. I would tell myself that I could do this.
Taking Glacial Milk Supplements, Eating lots of Mango, Drinking GALLONS of Grapefruit Juice and 2.5 Tablespoons of Whole/Organic Apple Cider Vinegar, Taking 5 Detox Bath’s per Day, Power walking with friends and Positive Affirmations made it all possible for me. I DID NOT NEED TO GO TO A REHAB or DETOX CLINIC.
Did you know that you can detox in a hot bath by using UNSCENTED 100% CLAY KITTY LITTER??? Mix it with Ginger Root (Asian Detox Tea Bags!) Epson Salt, Hydrogen Peroxide, Apple Cider Vinegar
Yes, I’m happy AND my kids and husband have noticed a HUGE change… I’ve noticed a HUGE change! I NEVER thought I’d be back to who I was before… It gives me the chills just thinking of it! Every morning I wake up NOT feeling groggy… NOT feeling like I’m desperate to find that bottle of pills! I posted a detailed version of my detox plan on my website… feel free to check it out. =)
Yay! Congrats, Terry! Thanks for posting your update. If I ever create a supplements page, I’ll be sure to add your advice to it.
Thanks Mike! Great site by the way… your blog posts made all the difference for me this time! Before I found your site I tried quitting (twice) and failed miserably. I think I was successful this time becausee of your courage to come out about your Adderall experience.
One amazing change in me in the last 13 days: I now drive AND listen to my car radio or CD’s/ Music! I haven’t done that in years. Instead of driving in silence because I’m trying to solve the problems of the universe, and can’t deal with distractions, I’m CARE FREE jammin to my music! Its SO freeing… Its crazy how Adderall takes over and replaces everything that’s important to you … you become un-you.
Mike – Thank you for providing such positive venue for us Adderall Quitters and Future Quitters!
Everyone: Quitting Adderall isn’t as hard as you think… If you really want to quit, you CAN DO IIT! When you do quit, you will be SO MUCH HAPPIER… I swear! There is light at the end of the Tweek-Filled Adderall Tunnel!
Mike, check out my newest blog post… please 🙂
http://wiltedpoppy.blogspot.com/2011/04/i-got-me-back-continued.html
T
@Teresa – I’m so glad it’s going so well for you! The ability to be genuinely CARE FREE is probably one of my favorite parts of quitting too. Also: I tried to check out your blog, but it’s blocked to all but invited users. 🙁
my name is Miranda. i have been taking Adderall for at least two maybe three years. i first tried it without a prescription and of course loved it. i felt like it was the best drug in the world. i didnt do it often until i started school. the work was over whelming and i couldnt seem to concentrate. i thought i might have ADD. my mom took me to the doctor and thats when i first got my prescription. i generally abused the drug. i had good grades and lots of friends. but good things never last. i slowly started to spiral down into the unforgiving hole of addiction. today i can take 3 to 5, 20mg AdderalXR in a day. i feel nothing. i feel like a hollow shell of my former self. it controls my life now. i really think this stupid drug is the worst thing that ever happened to me. i have gotten at least 24 hours of sleep in the past week, i havent eaten more than 6 full meals in the last 1 1/2 weeks. i feel my body weakening. my jaw hurts constantly, as does my neck shoulders and back. i could go on and on about the problems Adderall gives me. but ill get straight to the point. I WANT TO QUIT. it is so easy to get it. but if i canceled my prescription i would feel hopeless. i know i dont need it, i know i dont want it, then why cant i get rid of it? i dont have many friends now that im just a shell. i feel like people look at me and know i abuse it. i dont have personality anymore. im afraid to quit and deal with the withdrawals. my social life will improve, but my school work will get lazy, i will get lazy, and the worst is going to be my mood. im already on birth control, im clinically depressed, take anit-anxiety pills, and i think i would just be a complete mess without it. sometimes i feel like no matter how hard i try, i cant seem to get away from it. i need something to scare me out of my addiction or i will never quit. also, people think im anorexic because im 5’3″ and 105 pounds. i am not. i know im skinny, i hate it. i get jealous watching my friends eat until they explode. i wish i could gain weight so very very much. this place isnt for judging. I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT EVERYONE HERE IS GOING THROUGH! DONT THINK FOR ONE SECOND YOU ARE ALONE. please help.
Hi Randa!
Thanks for posting your story.
First the scary part: If you keep taking as much as you are now (80-100mg/day) you may well overdose. You’re right on that line, where you’re already experiencing overdose symptoms like your jaw hurting (a symptom I only hear reported in high abuse cases).
Adderall builds up in your system. It takes 1-2 days for the amphetamine to fully leave your body, so if you’re taking it every day you’re effectively adding your new dose on top of whatever’s left of the previous day’s dose. If that residual left in your system is too high, it might push you in to full-on overdose. And you may not even be able to tell whether you have residual amphetamine left over in your system (until you add a new dose on top of it). You may feel like you’ve totally come down, so you’ll take your dose, and then you’ll keep taking more pills just out of OCD and habit. And then it’ll be too late.
You may want to ask Erin on the forums about her overdose experience. The doctors basically told her that if she took Adderall again, she was risking permanent schizophrenia.
You’ll get your scared-straight experience if you continue at those high doses, but I don’t know if you want to live with the consequences of what that experience is going to do to you. It’s much better to quit before you reach that point.
Now the hopeful part: You CAN get control off this. It’s very possible, and you’re more prepared than you think. You know it’s doing damage. You know that you will get your care-free social life back if you quit. You know that you don’t want this anymore.
Admitting those things in itself is a huge step.
You also know that you feel hopeless without it, and that you’re afraid of falling behind at school and in your work.
What you’ve done, maybe without being fully aware of it, is accurately framed your problem: You know that you want to do it, you know why you want to do it, and all you have to do is figure out how to overcome the two obstacles you’ve already defined: hopelessness and falling behind at school/work.
Treat those two obstacles just as that…as obstacles. Right now you picture yourself being hopeless or falling behind at school and it’s this big, scary, emotional threat. Don’t look at it like that: Step outside yourself and put things in a broader perspective. Think of who you’ll be aftewards: The great girl you are underneath, with close friendships, free of your pill addiction, and still able to do decently at school. The rough patch you went through to quit Adderall is just a memory of a battle won.
And in time, that’s all it will be.
So you have three problems:
1. How are you going to come off these pills?
My guess, if you’re at 100mg/day, is that you take several pills out of OCD/habit. That is, you’re not taking extra pills because you actually need them; you’re taking extra pills for the same reason Detective Monk has to touch every parking meter he walks by: Because that’s his compulsion and it would feel weird and wrong NOT to do it.
It feels something like this: You took 100mg for the last five days and you’ve taken 60mg today. So you keep thinking: I’m not as good as yesterday. I’m not as ideal. I’m not as effective. I need more. I still have two more pills to go until I’m at my “normal” dose. Oh god I think it’s wearing off. It’s definitely wearing off. I just need another 20mg. It’ll be fine. It’ll just top me off. I took it yesterday so I know it’ll be fine. Once I take this I’ll REALLY get some work done (but you won’t).
Stop doing that. Fix your dose and make yourself stick to it. You may want to spend a few days (starting with a weekend) totally off it to reset your tolerance a little.
2. How are you going to deal with the hopelessness?
You know, it’s interesting that you mentioned that you’d feel hopeless without Adderall. From my perspective, when you quit Adderall you may feel hopeless, but in reality you have nothing but hope.
You may not be able to work at all yet. Hell, you may not be able to get out of bed. And you may feel like complete shit. But damn it, you’re on your way to something better.
Draw strength from the little improvements that come soon after quitting: the return of your sense of humor, you ability to relax, being able to sleep every night. Those are hopeful things that signal the coming a much more balanced, happier life.
3. How are you going to deal with falling behind at work/school?
This is always the hardest one. First off, you want to take whatever steps you can to minimize the damage you’re about to do. This means decreasing school/work responsibilities as much as you can, and maybe timing the worst of your quitting timeline (when you’re first going to try with no pills at all) after this semester is over (which it almost should be). If you’re in college, don’t take a full load your first semester after quitting. Baby-step back into responsibilities.
Beyond that, you really just have to grin and bear it. It’s so hard, but you do eventually get through it. And for what it’s worth, nothing I have ever done has been more worth it.
Hi everyone. I wanted to report back. I’ve been adderall free for over a month now! I’ve started running in the mornings and at first it was awful — i thought for sure I wouldn’t be able to do it with adderall. Now I have gotten into better shape, can run 3 miles, and have found a way to enjoy it — without adderall! I have gained back about 7-10 pounds, which is fine with me, as long as I have found my stable weight. Finally, I’m getting a great night’s sleep everynight, I now have more energy than i ever did on adderall (I used to not be able to stay out on a Friday night even on adderall because I wasn’t sleeping well all week).
my problem is that i’m still terrified of gaining 20 lbs back. my jeans are tighter, and i’m so afraid i won’t be able to fit into them in a few months. i STILL have the pills tucked away in a drawer. How do I take the next step and just throw them out? I feel like I haven’t been able to convince myself that I’m done with adderall for good. if I start gaining more weight, I think I’ll start taking adderall again.
I really need to deal with my eating disorder (or body disorder). I have not purged since being off adderall (but have definitely overeaten at times — but nothing crazy, like I used to do). everything else is fine — i’m happier and doing well at work. Well, I am definitely less focused at work — and sometimes that angers me but I think everyone is just as distracted by Facebook, internet, chatting, etc. while at work.
I’ve only gained a bit of weight — why can’t i flush the pills down the toilet and forget about it? will i have this urge to take adderall for the rest of my life?
Tracy
Hey, my name is ralph and i am wanting to quit too. Like Miranda said before, it started out off prescription and i couldn’t believe what it allowed me to do. I needed it to study in college and a friend gave it to me and i instantly fell in love.
it all went downhilll when i got a prescription. I guess i have a tendency to be addicted to things i do, an addictive personality. he prescribed me 20 mg IR up to 3 times a day as needed. i took it as prescribed for a while until my tolerance started buildilng up, rather quickly. i started to take more and more until my tolerance was absurd. often the worst was the day or two before a final exam. i would pop them like they were candy (while drinking energy drinks with them) and stay up all night , sometimes 2-3 days in a row, taking another pill anytime i felt tired.
Right now i am 26, 5 9 and 146. I have taken up to 240 mgs in a day before, and i know this is really bad for me. the worst part about it is i average 100-140 mgs a day and i feel completely normal. The medicine has stopped working in allowing me to focus, and instead is purely a stimulant at this point.
I know i have a problem, as i have already tried “quitting” once. it ruined my last relationship with my ex girlfriend of about 2 years. It made me into this different person. I became impulsive, had urges to do things i never ever would do sober, become completely unemotional, etc…so i quit, and that lasted about 10-11 months.. but here I am again. I need help.
@RHB – Thanks for your comment! Step one for you should be staying off it for a little bit just to reset your tolerance and get you back down to semi-sane daily dosages, because 100+ is dangerous. I’d reccommend at least a week off, ideally two. You should feel things flushing out of your system. Often, there’s a baseline feeling that accompanies a drug tolerance. That is, you can almost feel before you take the dose “I’m in one of those states today where I’m going to have to take 5 of these and it’s still not going to do anything”. Stay off it until that feeling completely dies. Until you feel totally dry. And then stay off it a few more days after that, just to make sure. Then start again if you want, with as small a dose as possible, and riding out each dose for as long as possible.
That’ll get your dose down first, then you can think about quitting.
i’ve actually made the decision to quit it for good. (along with cigs). today is day 2 of not taking any at all and it feels good, although im extremely exhausted and cannot do anything to stay awake for the life of me here at work.
I will keep you guys updated but i’m pumped, i need this.
@RHB – You got this! Stick it out, and post updates!
I was on adderall for about 8 years. Finally got off about 2.5 months ago. It was VERY Tough… I’m substituting with Coffee + vitamin B supplements. I still get cravings… but trying to go the natural route- all the 5 things the blogger mentioned above totally rang true to my heart.. i had those feelings. 29 y/o now. i dunno if i could have finished me engineering degree without adderall.. so i dunno if all in all, it was a bad thing or good thing that i took it for so long.
@Paul – Do the Vitamin B supplements make any noticeable difference?
Today marks the third day that I am Adderall free. This week I have felt soooo depressed almost like I see know point in life, very depressed, I cry every 5 mins, i cannot listen to sad music, movies, etc. They will bring sad thoughts to me and I will start to feel terrible and depressed. I have been taking Adderall for four years or so and over the years have stopped for a week or two at a time. Though never have I felt as depressed as I now do.
The reason I want to stop Adderall is due to my back pain and to hopefully regain my thirst for life once again. After reading many of these articles I noticed know1 else seems to say they experience lower back pain from the pills? Does any1 experience lower back pain? Be4 i started taking Adderall I was also had eating disorders and it seemed when i popped the first pill those thoughts of over eating dissappeared right then, soooo weird how a pill has that much control over our brains and us.
Reading these posts helps me know that I am not alone with my struggles. if any1 would like to chat please email me september9279@yahoo or email me back thanks
Hi Susan!
Give it a few weeks for the worst of the withdrawals to pass. Just stick it out as best you can. And try to get away from yourself so you don’t give your brain a chance for the depression to set in.
I’ve never heard of back pain directly correlated with Adderall use, but I could see it being an indirect symptom. Adderall keeps your brain so occupied that it’s not uncommon to sit in one position for hours on in, totally focused, without many breaks. I could see where that might lead to back trouble. Or maybe the dehydration factor. But I’m just guessing. May want to ask a chiropractor about that one.
I feel these exact signs, all 5 of them. Adderall makes me so depressed and a completely different person. Yes i get school done but after taking it everyday i don’t even work as hard as i did. one thing could change my mood completely and i never get hungry. i am trying to quit as of now
If your trying to quit here’s what you do: 1) When you feel the urge to take it look inside yourself and realize that you actually feel totally awesome and just didn’t realize it because you were focusing on one particular thing to much. 2) Try effortless attention activities to relax your mind, a good example is looking at clouds because studies have shown that clouds are so abstract they require absolutely no attention to observe, yet they are fascinating objects to the observer. Or if its night look up at stars. I have done this while lieing on my back and it really gives you the sensation you are flying through space.
Listening to the wind blow, or the waves crash. If you don’t have waves then listen to cars passing outside on the street it sounds exactly the same. 3) Prevent relapse by establishing rules for yourself based on how you will respond when previous ill feelings arrise and decide before hand how you will act when you feel that way.
4) Study yourself and find out what works for you. Failure to quit is success if you learn from it. Learn from it and use that knowledge to your own advantage. If you felt week today and decided you needed to take it, what were you thinking of just before? what lead you to believe you needed it? Write it down the moment you think of it so that you remember. Patterns will pop up. Was that the right decision? if you had a chance to act differently and not take it would you?
If you are hampered by the thought you have been taking this for such a long time then consider this. It takes maybe a second to pop 1 pill. So the amount of time you actually have been taking this pill should not include the time that you were not physically putting it into your mouth. So for a quick thought experiment let’s add up how long a person who has been on adderall for 10 years has actually been putting a pill in their mouth: 10 years = 3650 days, 3 times a day= 3650days*3seconds=10950 seconds. Now quick, how many seconds are in a day? 60 seconds times 60 minutes times 24 hours equals… 86,400 seconds per day. So now lets divide the total seconds in a day to the total seconds of 10 years of actual pill taking to get 10,950 divided by 86,400 and we arrive at 0.1267361111111111. What does this mean to a person trying to quit this habbit? It means that if you thought you had been taking this medicine for 10 years you are mistaken because by multiplying our decimal 0.1267361111111111 by 24 hours we obtain the number 3.041666666666667. This is good news to anyone who thinks they are not strong enough to quit this habbit because however many pills you take a day is approximately the number of hours you have spent in 10 years time actually taking the stuff. So if your ever trying to quit be encouraged by the fact that in ten years of time you were only really “taking” it for a few hours.
Now get out there and enjoy life!
@SPADSFOREVER – Those were all excellent tips. Please shoot me an email at mike at quittingadderall.com or PM me on the forums if you’re interested in posting all of that as an article on the site (instead of just a comment)!
@Brianna – The good news is that if you feel all of those signs, then quitting is probably the right path for you! When it’s right, it turns out well. Good luck!
I very much abuse adderall and do a lot for, if nothing else, just the euphoria of ODing. I would love to stop and have been taking it for 10 years now and am 32 years old. It should stop! But…I don’t want it to. How do I get myself to want it?
Didn’t mention before, but obviously adderall leads to a lot of alcohol, or at least in my experience. So one leads to the other and if am out, I can’t even drink socially. It makes me more tired then I could ever be. I know drinking is not good for you, but if you do finally quit adderall, how long does it take to get back to normal? Social drinking is part of my job and I can’t be as bad as I am now without it. What to do?
@z – Thanks for your comment! Hmm…drinking is a part of your job, huh? That’s actually a new one on me. I’ve never considered the idea of mandatory alcohol use haha.
That thing you said about the “euphoria of ODing”…that’s your first problem. If that’s why you’re using Adderall, then you’re not using it like a (misguided) tool anymore. You’re not using it to be your best or to get ALL the work done or to feel confident because you’re insecure…you’re doing it to escape (it sounds like). And that’s a whole other can of worms. That kind of motivation (escapism), as well as the upper/downer cycle you’ve gotten yourself on, is the bread and butter of groups like NA and AA, which are probably more qualified to help with that than I am. But I’ll try anyway.
Of the two (Adderall and Alcohol), the high dose of Adderall is a bigger problem. Think of it like the load-bearing pillar that supports all of your other damaging behaviors. High doses of Adderall will make the need to drink worse, as you’ve found out. So I would work on addressing the Adderall use first and figure the drinking part out later (because that’ll be easier when you’ve reduced your Adderall dose). If you lack the energy to drink without Adderall, try starting the night with a Jeager Bomb or a Bacardi O Bomb. Or a really sugary fru-fru martini. Try downing a Palm-tini and not partying all night. There’s a reason gay guys are so perky when they drink.
Of course, quitting Adderall will be a problem if you have no motivation to quit, as you said. But that’s the thing: You do have motivation to quit Adderall. You are already showing the early stages of a readiness to quit Adderall. It doesn’t always happen in some sweeping decision. It can sneak up on you. And it starts with that nagging feeling that you should quit…which you already have.
Now it’s just a matter of that old NA/AA saying kicking in for you: “When the pain of staying the same is worse than the pain of changing, you’ll change.”
You’ll never be able to quit if you just kinda-sorta think you should. It’s a whisper right now. One day in the future it will be a roar, and on that day you will do something about it.
If you want to make that day come sooner, try being honest with yourself. Nothing accelerates change like harsh truth.
I sign contracts with old men who, understandably, look forward to drinking on my company’S dime. The contracts are set months before but, my job is to have them sigend in law, and thus, wine and dine these accounts. That is my job.
Thank yoy for your very kind comments though at such a late hour. They DO help. Thank you.
Why do I feel like such a JACKASS when people at work aplaued my efforts? I do VERY well, but I’m not happy. I know I’m probably looking at a whole set of problems, but how much does would you think adderall abuse plays into that?
@z – You feel like a jackass when people applaud your efforts at work for two reasons….
1. The majority of men go through their lives with a fear of “being found out” because they feel like they’re faking it. This can be even more true with successful men.
2. Adderall makes the “faking it” feeling and fear of being found out a thousand times worse. It’s like being on steroids and feeling like a jackass when somebody praises your batting average. Little do they know, you think.
I kind of take it as a good sign that you feel like a jackass. It means maybe you have some self-acceptance things to work on, but at least you’re not over-confident (which is a harder fall).
HELLO TO EVERYONE, THIS IS AN AMAZING SITE, I’M NOT CRAZY OR ALONE AFTER ALL. I’M PACKING UP A 4 BEDROOM HOUSE THAT I’VE LIVED IN FOR 10 YEARS…(IMAGINE THAT FOR A SINGLE MOM OF A DISABLED CHILD, PLUS I HAVE ADHD) IT’S SO HARD… AND LONELY, AS NO ONE SEEMS TO UNDERSTAND. I TOOK MY LAST ADDERAL YESTERDAY, I WOKE UP THIS MORNING FOCUSED, AS IF I WAS GOING OFF OF YESTERDAY’S DOSE. I GOT QUITE A BIT ACCOMPLISHED, HOWEVER I FEEL LIKE I SHOULD HAVE GOT MORE DONE. I GOT VERY FATIGUE, SLUGGISH AND WAS NO LONGER MOTIVATED. HOWEVER I STILL FELT SOMEWHAT FOCUSED, BUT THE NERVE DAMAGE & TENDONITIS IN MY FEET, WOULDN’T ALLOW ME TO PUSH MYSELF ANDFOR SOME REASON THE ADDERAL SIGNIFICANTLY HELPS THE PAIN, ENABLING ME TO STAY ON MY FEET & HELPS ME FOCUS. WHEN I THINK ABOUT THE REASONS I SHOULDN’T TAKE IT I WORRY ABOUT MY DELIBERATING FOOT PAIN. IS THERE ANYONE ELSE WHO HAS A NERVE, MUSCLE, OR ANY OTHER CONDITIONS THAT NOTICED THIS? I WOULD APPRECIATE ANYONE WHO COULD SHED SOME LIGHT ON THIS FOR ME.
SPADESFOREVER I FIND MYSELF READING YOUR COMMENT OVER AND OVER AGAIN. I SIMPLY LOVE IT!!! IT’S VERY INSPIRING THANKS FOR SHARING IT.
God help me, I hate the person that I have become on this drug. I dont know how to continue my life if I stay on it, but I cant imagine my life without it. I have been following this forum for months but this is my first post. There have been so many times when I wanted to post but I didnt even know where to start, this has turned into such a mess and it overwhelms me to write about it. I have never felt so alone as I feel right now. This drug has taken over my life and that I dont even know who I am anymore.
I started taking Adderall five years ago, it was prescribed to me by my psychiatrist. I was 30 yrs old and had decided to go back to school to because a registered nurse. I was in a very accelerated and competive nursing program and was having a difficult time focusing in my classes. I had always been a daydreamer but it had never seemed to matter much before. I had been seeing a psychiatrist for years, I had suffered from depression and anxiety since my teens. I was already taking antidepressants but expressed to my doctor that I was having a very difficult time focusing in school. He prescribed 5mg Adderall as needed, he informed me that the med was addictive. I didnt think much of it at the time. I actually held on to the bottle of pills for a few weeks before ever taking one. I didnt want to take it unless I really needed it since it was so addictive.
I still remember exactly how I felt the first time I took it. I was studying for a very difficult test and could not keep my mind on the material. Less than an hour after I took the pill, the feeling hit me. The only thing I can compare it to was the feeling I used to get when I was a child when my parents told me that they were taking me to Disneyland, or the way I felt when I woke up on Christmas morning. I had never been able to replicate that wonderful feeling until the day I took my first Adderall. The fact that I suffered from depression made this new feeling even more attractive to me. Why had I been taking all of the antidepressants for years when I could have just taken Adderall!?
My entire life I have always been introverted, a bit of a loner that would keep to myself. I was very shy as a child and was never comfortable meeting new people. This didnt change much as an adult, I had a lot of insecurities. When I started taking Adderall I noticed that it was much easier to talk to people. Not only did this drug make me happy and focused, I was able to be more social and engage people in conversation.
I graduated nursing school as one of the top in my class. I then found that it was very competive to get a job. I continued to take the Adderall which seemed to give me extra confidence during job interviews. I landed a job in a busy emergency room. I was so happy to get a job in critical care as a new graduate nurse, I knew that it was not an easy position to get since I had no previous medical experience.
Since I began taking it in nursing school, I cannot even imagine being a nurse and not taking Adderall. I have never worked a day as a nurse when I have not been on Adderall. I have tried to start my shifts without taking it and I only make it a few hours until I find myself having to pop another pill. When I don’t take it, my mind is foggy and I find myself moving slowly and having difficulty calculating med dosages. Since I work in a busy ER, I have to be on my toes all the time, I have to think quickly and move quickly, my patient’s lives depend on it. I cannot afford to have a slow and foggy mind because if I make a mistake I can kill someone.
I started to find myself very lethargic and unmotivated on my days off from work, so I started to take the Adderall on those days, too. As with any drug, I find myself having to take more of it to get the same effect as before and even then, the effect does not last long. When it wears off I feel moody and immediately want to take more. Now I spend more time coming off of the drug than I do feeling the “good” effects of it. I am living my life from one pill to the next. My doctor continues to prescribe it because he doesnt know that I am feeling this way. I do not tell him because I am terrified he will stop prescribing it and then I would not be able to function at work.
Adderall is my dirty little secret. Nobody knows about it other than my shrink and my dog. I feel too ashamed to tell anyone and I was always too afraid that they would try to make me stop taking it if they found out. Now I find that it is really affecting my personal relationships. Without my adderall, I have no motivation to do anything. When I first began to take it, it gave me more good feelings than bad. Now I feel like I am putting up with the bad feelings, just to get a few minutes of good adderall feelings a day. These feelings are becoming few and far between.
There is so much more that I could write about, but that would make this post entirely too long. I wish I never would have taken that first pill five years ago. I am a complete mess and feeling very lost right now. Thank you for letting me finally break the silence by posting on this site. I wanted to post in the forums, but I could not figure out how…
Hi wondergirl!
Don’t worry. Now that you’ve vented that out, it should be a little easier for you to take action. You’re not so bottled up anymore now, hopefully!
Right off the bat, I recommend doing what you can to reset your tolerance levels. Quitting cold turkey may not be realistic for you given the demand and risk to human life involved in your job. So instead, focus on bringing sanity back to your Adderall dose.
1. Take a drug holiday. Call in some vacation/sick days…as many as you can spare in a row, and stay off Adderall for all of them. Just let your system clean out. Maybe even look into a detox kit. But make sure you do the detox early in your vacation week so you have plenty of time to get everything out and let everything reset. If you don’t have vacation days, a long weekend will have to do.
2. When you go back to work, try to exist without pills for as much of the day as possible. Try to get through your whole first day back without a pill. Just one day. You can do it. You’ll be well rested from all the narcoleptic withdrawal-crashing you did no your drug holiday. The point of doing your first day back at work sober is to further break up your habit.
3. As you work your first few days without Adderall, push yourself a little. Cause yourself some pain. Make your body crave that pill and then deny it and find a different way through the task.
.4. You can take Adderall again on the second or third day back at work, but start low. Hopefully by this point it won’t take much for you to feel something. I don’t know if you smoke, but there’s a common phenomenon known as a “cigarette buzz”. New smokers get it all the time, but once you’re at half a pack a day or more you stop feeling any difference. Then when you quit smoking for a while and suddenly light up a smoke one day in the future, you get cigarette buzz again. The ex-smoker will usually say something “Holy cow I actually got a buzz off this cigarette. It’s been like 5 years since that’s happened! I really quit for a while this time.”
Your goal here is do the same thing, but with Adderall. You want to stay off it for long enough that when you do take even a tiny amount you get that buzz almost like your first time (brilliant description of your first time BTW…hopefully you don’t mind if I steal that Disneyland analogy for a future post!).
5. Set minimum dose intervals. As in, set a hard rule that you shall not under any circumstances be in the same room as your pill bottle sooner than 4 hours from your last dose. Once you take a dose, you’re on your own for 4 hours. And keep these doses tiny. You still want to struggle a little.
Do this for long enough and you’ll have reset your tolerance, restored sanity to your dosage schedule, and recovered some your lost personality by keeping your dose at the absolutely painful minimum.
Anyhow. That’s just my 2 cents. You’re not alone in this. And even with the unique stresses of your job, you can find a way to do this. I wish you the very best luck. Please post updates!
Also, by the way: What trouble did you have posting on the forums? Were you getting an error message or something? I want to make sure that’s easy to do for people, so if you had trouble I want to find out why and fix it. 🙂
Hi, I just wanted to let you know that this website is awesome, and I have now gone full 3 weeks without taking adderall, and I don’t want to stop. I’m a college student enrolled in an intense computer science program this summer, and I was hesitant about stopping when I was so stressed out by all the work. But my girlfriend showed me this website, and it gave me the courage to try doing my work without the pill. The first week was hell, but somehow, I managed to break through. Maybe it was the fear of letting my friends and teammates down down, but I’m just as motivated to work on my projects as I was before, if not more so. And the best part is I can be myself while doing it. I often felt on adderall like I would have a good 8 hours of focus and then completely burn out. Now I can focus and break focus when I feel like it which is excellent. And I’ve been keeping up with my work which is something I would have never thought possible before I quit. Once I broke the first week, I knew I could keep going. So thanks for having this website, and keep helping people like me by giving them support, for telling them they are not crazy for wanting to quit. 😀
PS: For the first week, I was completely lethargic, so I resorted to using 5 hour energy to give me the strength to some work. Now I’ve completely dropped using them, but it was really helpful for the first week. You might want to suggest doing stuff like this to other people, but I don’t know how healthy it is. I think at some point, (as somebody who has taken adderall for the last 10 years everyday) that I was relying on adderall more as a way to get up in the mourning than for the actual focus effects.
@Michael – Thanks for the comment! Being able to turn focus on and off is definitely one of the best parts of doing work without Adderall. If you’re already doing that well after 3 weeks, you’ve lucked out with a very fast recovery time, especially after 10 years of use. That’s pretty amazing. And that 5 hour energy suggestion is a good one! I think I’ll post that somewhere. Good luck going forward!
Hey, I just wanted to let you know how amazing and special this site is to me. So many things that you said are perfectly accurate, and I remember feeling the ways that you described while I was on the drug. I feel randomly inspired to share my story for the second time ever (first was to my boyfriend of two years now). Here goes nothing!
I was diagnosed with ADD in 2003, and at the time I was in 5th grade. Two years prior to the diagnosis, I was administered IQ and creativity testing, eventually resulting in gifted student placement and an invitation to join MENSA. But by 5th grade, I was completely checked out. My teacher did not understand my sort of unorganized and unconventional ways of doing things, nor was she at all equipped to tailor to a child that had the ability to perform at college-entrance level. So, a letter was sent to my parents requesting that they take me to be tested. And because I was generally lazy at home, frequently daydreamy, and hardly ever listened to anything other than the Powerpuff Girls, my parents obliged.
A few months later, I was placed on 5mg Adderall XR. This was the beginning of what would be my wonder years. I could do everything and actually complete tasks! Even mundane things! YES! Fast forward to my senior year of high school. After receiving the highest score in my class on the ACT, captaining my high school soccer team to their best season to date, taking nearly every AP class offered at my high school, meeting an absolutely amazing guy, and earning the highest scholarship offered to my dream school, it seemed I was on top of the world. I never questioned the small, now-orange (30mg) pill, until the ease of senior year began to make me wish I could be more outspoken with friends, as I realized Adderall made me come across as awkward. Then one fateful day, my mom forgot to refill the prescription in time, and I was sent to school sans medication. My best friend remarked, “You seem different… This is the most fun mood you’ve ever been in!” Indeed, I was much more fun. Giggly, outgoing, sarcastic, able to speak well to others. The seed was planted.
First semester of college, I continued to take Adderall. For someone whose math skill was their least strong, I was taking calculus, accounting, and economics. At that point, I knew that continuing to take the pill was probably in my (and my GPA’s) best interest. (Turns out it wasn’t– I still got a C- in calculus. Even the Adderall couldn’t make me enjoy that!) Second semester though, I was taking a ton of classes that I knew I would actually enjoy, ones that played to what I am more naturally adept at: English, photography, psychology, philosophy, and an economics course (which I actually enjoy). I decided that this was the time to quit Adderall, just to see what would happen.
Turns out that amazing things happened. I found that it was incredibly easy and energizing to wake up in the morning and run to the darkroom with a bagel and a fresh roll of film. Creative pieces that I wrote in English and my newfound willingness to speak in class led to getting invited to do a study abroad with my professor in Ireland this next summer! I realized that I absolutely couldn’t stand philosophy, and learned to grit my teeth and write those icepick-through-the-eye boring analyses of Socrates, which built character and proved that hey, I could do this. I received the highest grade in my class in psychology. My social life picked up and I made many new friends. My boyfriend (yes, the same one from high school :]) noticed a (positive) change in how I carried myself and remarked that it was “much easier to talk to me.” I interviewed and managed to talk my way into getting a position as an RA, which now pays for my room and board completely, and I am getting paid to attend at the premier catholic university in my area. Over the summer, I got a job at the mall in an upscale/expensive clothing store and realized that I have an absolute passion for sales. I frequently double and have several times quadrupled my sales goals. I love it so much that I plan on pursuing a career in sales.
Looking back, it seems so silly that I was scared to quit the drug. Admittedly, going cold turkey had its not-so-pleasant effects– there were times that I would sleep for inhuman amounts of time, and times where I could down an order of sushi and go back to the food court for a full order of cheese sticks (they’re giant greasy Pizza Hut ones). At times, I was cranky and overly outspoken (argumentative) towards my boyfriend because without the drug, I no longer felt the need to unquestioningly comply with whatever he said. But despite the five pounds I gained and the hours of debate I endured with my pre-law boyfriend (he is INCREDIBLY frustrating to argue with), I would not change a single thing.
It’s been a journey. Boyfriend and I have grown closer than we ever have been before simply because there is more openness in communication. I have a job that I love. I have a 3.6 GPA right now and pursuing a career in what I love (although I doodle endlessly and occasionally sleep through lectures I don’t find interesting. Cough, philosophy, cough). School is merely a means to an end that I hope will lead to a future far more fruitful than the years I wasted on Adderall. Admittedly, I did many nice things with it. But what I do without it seem so much more substantial, so much more concrete.
Moral of the story? If you are questioning whether or not you should take the plunge out of the drug, do it. Flush ’em down the toilet. Never look back. It won’t be easy, but through the trials and tribulations (and the near-comatose post-Adderall sleep habits), a much more fulfilling and enjoyable chapter of your life will emerge. Do it for yourself. Because you are beautiful and worth being the best and most unique you that you can possibly be. And that unique person is waiting, while you are trapped inside that pill bottle. Just do it: you won’t be sorry.
Hi Emily!
Thanks so much for sharing your awesome story. Since you covered the whole experience from start-to-finish so well, I think I’m going to post it on the home page next week, if you don’t mind.
Please don’t flush your meds!!
http://www.whitehousedrugpolicy.gov/publications/pdf/prescrip_disposal.pdf
Hi..I know this is about getting off adderall and I commend anyone who recognizes that they are not being helped as much as harmed on this medication. However, as a woman who wasn’t diagnosed ADHD until early adulthood, for me the medication has been a lifesaver. I feel calmer, focused but without the amped up or overtalkativeness described by some people who want to stop taking it. I believe I feel “normal”…by that I mean they way people without the disorder feel. I wonder how many of the people on this board have been misdiagnosed. Depression and anxiety can mimic ADD inattentive type and ADHD. I am not suggesting that people should go looking for yet another pill..there are other options to try for depression and anxiety..But I do believe there are many people for whom adderall has a positive affect. I have been on the same relatively low dose for over ten years with no need for an increase. I have no side affects..I have not lost weight..I am motivated to finish projects but still procrastinate at times. Before adderall, I never finished anything. If it is causing more problems in your life, you are either on the wrong medication or do not have attention deficit disorder. Doctors are not Gods..they don’t know everything..It’s up to all of us to weight the pros and cons of taking medication..ultimately, we know what works and what doesn’t. One additional note: I never experiencedd “euphoria”..I felt a sense of calm and control like never before in my life..that in and of itself gave me hope and made me happy..not “haha” happy..but happy that there was something to help me function the way most people do..to not feel so out in left field all the time. This medication is definitely overprescribed though, and I wish everyone success in getting away from this medication if it is controlling your life, as opposed to helping you gain better control of it.
I am College athlete, i took my first 20mg addy before my biggest game of the season, befor taking it i researched and researched, talked to many friends that took it.. what i learned from friends and research is that you dont eat and it dehydrates you which is very true… preparing for my game i drank more fluids than i ever have before, eating wasnt the issue cause playing a 12pm game i didnt eat much before ames anyways… after taking i felt it kick in about 15 min my focus was insane i didn’t talk to anyone i just replayed my opponents offense in my head from the hours of film study previously in the week. this game was my standout game of the season so i thought, after playing every defensive play the clock ran out and we won.. i felt like i could still play another game it was insane.. the next week i took 40mgs and played my true standout game … i knew this can be dangerous so i made a schedule on how much food to eat and fluids to drink to maintain a healthy lifestyle.. eating became hard so i would force my self to eat because i knew i needed it … i now only allow myself to take 3 20mgs of addy a week to increase my performance, and get my school work done…. if your becoming soo dependent on addy i suggest your limit your intake like i did
I have a slew of mental health issues, which all began with depression and anorexia at the age of 13. In the past year, however, my anorexia has shifted into bulimia, and I’ve gone from being stick thin to the heavier side. I’ve also been diagnosed with bipolar disorder.
In highschool when I was anorexic, I was really involved with exra-curccicular activities, sports, and school… (even though I spent a great deal of the time in and out of hospitals, I still graduated with a 3.9).
I had to drop out of college for treatment, and then went back afterwards for one semester. During this time, I did well, got a job, but then started up with the bulimia and became a highly destructive person.
I’ve been back in treatment since, and just can’t get better, or accomplish anything for that matter. I have a million things that I want to get done, I’m tired of sitting around and doing nothing with my life, yet everytime I think of the steps that my goals entail, I get overwhelmed and shut down. I got a job about a month after I got out of treatment, and while I was good at it, working was too stressful (I started cutting again), so I quit after only two weeks. I can’t even maintain a job. I’m not in college either. And I’m 19 years old. I do nothing with my life.
My doctor suspected that maybe I have adhd since I can’t really maintain focus on anything, and in all honestly, I just went with it because I wanted the adderall to lose weight.
It’s been two weeks since I started taking 10 mg of adderall xr daily. And in these past two weeks, I’ve only gotten worse. I just feel very agitated, angry, and disgusted with myself. I have a bit more motivation to get things done, but still can’t do anything. AND I CANNOT SLEEP!!! Which is making the binging and purging worse, because I get SO frustrated at night from not being able to sleep that I end up binging majorly.
I’m dissapointed that I never got the euphoric effect, the weight loss, the sense of being a superhuman… I just feel like even more of a wreck than I was to begin with. It’s 5:15 am and I haven’t slept in 52 hours. I’m sweating and shaking right now. I think I’m just not going to take it tommorow… but I’m scared that I’ll get even hungrier and binge worse… then have to purge more (I hate throwing up but have to). And I cannot afford to gain anymore weight, either. I’m up to a size 6 from a 00 last May. I need to get my act together… or something…
I have been taking 50mg of Adderall a day for 10 years. No one seems to have my problem. For the past few months I can’t wake up after I take Adderall. It zonks me out for the whole day! I can’t get this figured out? Does anyone know why it crashes me out? I would quit taking it but I fear I would have a horrible withdrawl. And when I quit it, I probably will not be able to wake up so I lose both ways! Anyone have any suggestions?
This is my first day taking adderall and I have been so productive. I need it to function. Usually my thoughts are so overwhelming that I can’t think about anything and just zone out in front of the computer or a movie. I am 22 and have lived my whole life without taking it, so I feel like I have chosen my “natural” path as you stated above. I can understand suppressing passions if you’ve been on it since a kid, but I am a theatre major and the whole reason why I am taking it is so when I am on stage I can actually devote myself to thinking like my character and being in the moment instead of delivering lines while a million other things are going through my head. I kid you not, once I went through a mental checklist of everything I needed to get at the store during a performance! It was terrifying but I feel like the first time in my whole life I can actually control my thoughts and that this adderall will only help me to chase my passion and devote myself to/hone my craft.
Also, I feel very relaxed and calm. Again, this is my first day taking it and I’m on 20 mg xr once daily.
….. Adderall does make you feel awesome at first I have been on 30mg for 7 years. I am at the point now where I will use up all 30 pills within a week then just wait for next month. Everyone has to deal with this kind of shit and it sucks…. Everytime you think about taking adderall immediately go do something to occupy your mind cause if you just sit around thinking about not taking it…. YOUR GONNA TAKE IT. I hate adderall I hate adderall I love adderall I hate it… I’m gonna just take this adderall one last time then I will be done for sure… 200mg later…. Oops…. Ok I am quitting now fuck adderall…. One week later…. Yup I am literally mind fucked. Thanks Adderall. I am 22 and I feel great after a couple days with no adderall but once my RX is ready I go back into psycho mode. I am on adderall right now if I wasn’t I would be asleep like a normal person and most likely I’m going to take another cause my prescription is getting cancelled which hopefully help out a great deal. Well… I have to go to work and pretend im normal peace out girl scouts.
ADDERALL > BRAIN
Newbie that’s how adderall wants you to feel. For real man I would strongly suggest to quit taking it cause it is super risky. I am a Div. one college wrestler and I have decent grades so I consider myself mentally tough…. But even with my success I eventually found myself only thinking about taking adderall and the
feeling gives me. Very complicated and powerful thing so be warned.
WOW!!! Where do I begin? I turned 37 this year and I have been on adderall for nearly five years now. I am a single father of three girls…….teenage girls at that. I’m a 17 year fireman as well. I’ve been taking 60mg a day this whole time. Now I take it just to function or feel normal. If I don’t take it I feel like I’m in a zombie state and feel like a crappy father. But now I remain in a zombie state even after taking 80 or 100mg at one time. I feel just very weak as a human being in a job where I must uphold the fassad of being a fearless warrior! But the truth is………..I’m fucking terrified! All I want is to feel peace and happiness again. I remember how I was before adderall and I scored a 10 on the 1-10 ADD scale. But what hope is there for people like me but to keep taking it? I could go on about all the pain I feel because of this drug (mentally and physically) but I won’t. I just want to scream! And my girlfriend is also on adderall. And watching her made me realize I have an adderall problem and so does she. I read a book call “Odd One Out” about adult add and it made sense like a breath of fresh air. But the one thing it didn’t talk about was adderall addiction. So now I’m getting ready to retire and go back to med school for the next 10 years and I’m terrified. Will I make it with out adderall? I don’t know and I’m not sure I will find out. I miss the adderall newbie feeling.
I’d say this is a fairly accurate picture. I will contest, however, the artistic part. I’ve been a musician for 15 of my 26 years, and adderall makes me a more creative and disciplined musician. I can also play much more technical pieces with greater speed.
Yesterday i had a test so i stayed up all night studying. and then on to the next day. i took a considerable amount of adderall at different times, but i always do that… probably around 140mgs. anyways after the test i was with my good friend and his girl who i have spent a lot of time with. so were drinking and shit (i dont remember this) and all of the sudden i start acting wierd, and aggressive so weird they left. which were harsh curcumstances for them. i tore through a yard in my truck drove in some thickets and returned. the whole time i felt like someone was watching me so i climed in a tree… had a breakdown too and statred crying for i dont know what. woke up this morning like what the fuck.
Adderall or something else?
Ever since about age 9 I was diagnosed with ADHD. I can specificially remember certain incidents in class where I’d freak out, or even at home. For example in 3rd grade, I couldn’t focus on a math test, I knew I was going to fail it, I had a panic attack and started hyperventilating and crying in themiddle of class. I just couldn’t help it. I’d get these panic attacks frequently when trying to do school work or learn new things. I just could never focus and nothign would ever click. I never took my medicine for that stuff, around 14 they started diagnosing me with bi polar/depression. At that time I started taking the anti-depressants. So this has been an on going battle.
I’m about to turn 23 next month. I first tried adderall at a party like 9 months ago. It gradually stepped up into less recreation and more of a ”need”. On a normal basis I usually don’t have very much motivation, I get overwhelmed easily as I have my entire life. Sometimes I’ll sleep in extra late just to avoid tasks or responsibilities that I’m overwhelmed with. Always fatigued, and just overwhelmed in general always with my mind running in 50 different directions constantly. I consistently drop out of school, quit jobs, and just never follow through with anything. Ever since I started taking adderall/vyvance/concerta all those problems are pretty much gone. Everything comes into focus. I don’t necessarily get high off of it anymore, and I don’t really WANT to use it, it’s more like I have to. If I didn’t take at least a 30xr everyday, I’d be screwed. I try to minimally take it as if it were prescribed, but it’s extremely hard to limit myself. Since I started taking it I very rarely have those freak outs and panic attacks from not being able to handle everything. If I miss 2 days, that behavior starts to come back.
I’m pretty confused at this point as to if I have a problem, a beginning problem or if I legitimately need to be treated for these issues. I see a doctor next week, so I guess he’ll tell me. But I’m just getting frustrated having to self medicate, or always getting told I suffer from depression, when I’m clearly not depressed in the least bit. I guess my reason for posting this is because I really just need some guidance, or input from someone other than myself.
AH525 –
Your situation sounds very similar to mine. At the end of the day, taking adderall indefinitely is not sustainable. It will wreak havoc on your mind and your body, and you will require it at such high doses that it is impossible to call it anything but an addiction. I couldn’t say if you are addicted now – are you being prescribed it, or are you buying it from friends? That question is pretty irrelevant anyway, given how easy it is to convince a doctor you have ADD.
The point of the matter is, you certainly don’t have ADD, you have avoidance and anxiety issues. I am the same way and was also wrongly diagnosed with ADD. At one time or another, you are going to need to learn the life skills necessary to do things that you want to avoid, and to calm yourself down when you are panicked. I am far from reaching that place, but I have come a long way. It is possible, if you are willing to try.
For me, quitting Adderall actually helped – I didn’t see any other way forward than to start changing the way I deal with situations I wish weren’t happening. I would recommend doing some cognitive behavioral therapy, learning to be more accepting of your faults, while also recognizing when you are engaging in behavior that will later make you more unhappy. It is possible, and progress can happen without medication.
LeeseMonet – I actually had exactly the same issue, towards the end of my Adderall use. I would take it and fall asleep for hours. I asked so many of my friends who also have Adderall prescriptions if this happened to them, and none of them could relate. If you ever have a week vacation, I recommend taking advantage of it to go off the drug. The withdrawal really wasn’t that bad, I don’t think I even experienced any, I was just pretty tired.
I quit taking adderall back in December – partially because it was just becoming too much of a hassle to get, with the shortages and the high prices and the wayward stares from pharmacists.
My only advice is that, if you have a mood or anxiety disorder, you may have a more difficult time quitting than someone who doesn’t have any other disorders. You may need something to help you transition. For example, they prescribe things like Wellbutrin for hardcore stimulant (cocaine, crystal meth) addicts.
If your withdrawal is particularly severe or long lasting, it might be a good idea to explore “transitional” options with your doctor. While amphetamines do not technically cause physiological dependence, they do screw with your hormone balance, and they need to “readjust.” Mood and anxiety disorders may make that process more difficult.
Every last one of you are fucking stupid.. I have taken adderall for 5 years now and not one bad thing has come of it. I actually have ADHD and when I take the meds it mellows me out. It helps me focus on what I need to do. It doesn’t make me feel alone ir make me crazy with rage. I see some posts here where someone says my prescribed dose was 40 mg and I take 70-80. Well to you sir, your a fucking jackass. I bet most of
You here are taking the shit because you believe it will help you with whatever you do. Just so you know if you don’t have add or ADHD you will get addicted like any other drug and it will make you speed or really slow you down . The side affects will be greater in you since you don’t have one of the conditions. Educate your self on real knowlage and not some half assed Internet shit. Get a life. The person that made this article is a dumb ass
One of the things that seemed to helped speed up the long fatigue phase and awful feelings when being off the drug occurred by accident while I was starting a drug vacation. It was only the third day that I was forced to engage into some heavy physical activity that had became aerobic.
I was helping a friend move and felt so groggy and grumpy. All I wanted to do was go to sleep and I kept appologising for it. I wanted so bad to get out of there and was too afraid of letting my friend down. I was sweating and going. It wen’t on for half a day and I thought the day would never end. I raced home in dire relief to go straight to bed but to my surprise when I got home I noticed the symptoms had diminished considerably. I still wen’t to bed but had a very pleasant and normal sleep. The next day I had to go to work and was quite tired and sleepy again. I had to keep moving that day however and again i was awfully desperate for the day to end which took forever. I was marginally better at the end of the day. In roughly five days however I noticed that I had not dwindled into the endless sleeping crash that normally would last two weeks. I was moving around pretty good but as always I meet the better spirit of myself I also inherit back the endless circles of procrastination and slow momentum in my movement. I’ll get God’s approval back and I feel in the right but at the same time I am reminded of my natural limitations. Adderall is a big lie we all know but it temporarily deceives us with enough truth at re-start that it always seems worthwhile. I spent a lifetime!…a lifetime! before getting on adderall striving to overcome the endless circles of never finishing projects or following through things. I would never give up in trying to overcome these but it’s always just getting two steps when you feel you walked a hundred. You see others who never had these issues and that is all the more clear once you have taken adderall. I could stay misserably happy and know love and joy, but I can never take that I end up being nothing but an endless dreamer. Adderall gives me a moment of successful achievement, but as we all know it is only a temporary lie. God hates adderall and you will suffer that it is in all reality witcraft put on a leash through science. It’s not of the natural world and it is derived from the same mythodical drug that Hitler launched the horrors of his relentless ambitions that seemed to those outside an unstoppable and driven will unlike anything that ever seemed commonly normal. At end however, as with all who mingle with the odd and mysterious potion of amphetamines…they only become decentegrated. They move mountains however at first that would have never been possible. Adderall has given me moments of success in reaching grounds that I had never been able to do before. I never became arrogant or less meek even though I was enjoying the one thing that had for so long kept me unhappy and misserable. It took my mind out of a maze long enough
I’m sorry. I always edit and concise things after I get them down and inadvertently hit the “submit” button. I gleefully welcome the moderator to delete my entry. I’m unable to find a means for post editing. It would have been far more concise and better polished if I had not goofed.
@Charles – If you want to send me a revised version (mike at quitting adderall dot com), I’ll make the change for you. Otherwise though, I wouldn’t worry about it! Your comment was plenty intelligible.
This website is based on a skewed and limited understanding of Adderrall. Furthermore, after reading several of Mike’s responses it is obvious that Mike is not qualified to be providing substance abuse advice or treatment of any kind.
Pardon me for mistakenly submitting to early. Mike, I would like to know what credentials do you have? I don’t think you are maliciously trying to mislead people or anything of that nature. But it would be irresponsible for you to project yourself as an expert or professional if you are not.
Alex
PhD Neuroscience
MA Clinical Psychology
Hi Alex,
No worries on the submitting early. I cleaned up your duplicate/broken posts for you. If you want to make other edits let me know and I’ll apply them.
In light of your comments, I’ve made some significant updates to my Giant Disclaimer with you in mind. I hope you’ll give it read; it answers most of the questions about my qualifications, etc. I don’t want you to feel like I’m being dismissive or impersonal. I added probably 2 pages to that disclaimer specifically for you. But for efficiency’s sake I decided to generalize my response on the disclaimer page instead of replying here in the comment thread. That way when other people have the same questions I have something to refer them too.
Also, please be sure to read this all-new section I added with you in mind: Disclaimer > An appeal to mental health professionals: Help Me
I’ve been on adderall for 10 years. It makes me crazy, impulsive, paranoid…. totally changes my personality. I don’t even abuse it. I take 15mg once a day. The only reason I’ve continue to take the drug is b/c when I stop taking the drug I gain weight! I’m only 10 days sober, but have recently called my doc for a refill. I sure hope I can rip up the script when it comes in the mail! So scared of failing once again. Adderall is evil and ruins lives!
why would I want to turn it off?? I hate having no focus with anxiety no matter who i am with or where i am..
RE: Postadderall
I’ve gotten to the point that its been wreaking more havoc than doing positive things. And it’s gotten to where I require high dosages now,a nd would be considered an addiction. I can’t wake up without taking at least one and making the day work liek it should. I wasn’t prescribed at first, then I got a prescription which made everything much worse. I could see that being true. I’ve came to the terms that I have a problem with it, and I’m not going to refill my next prescription.
What is cognitive behavioral therapy? Thank you so much for your input, I’m going to put your ideas into practice and see how I do.
First I want to thank you for having this website. It is so refreshing to read stories from people that are struggling with the same situation, when the longer you struggle with it the more and more alone you feel.
My story is sad but true and I’m hoping by getting it out there will assist me in taking the steps I need to finally quit. My Adderall addiction didn’t happen like many that I have read so far, it wasn’t love at first site; it took many years to become what I am today. When I was very young, my brother was diagnosed with ADD and ADHD, and throughout my pre-teen years I had to see many counselors and psychologists not because of my own problems but to help me understand his problems and why he was getting special treatment for these problems. I never would have thought that the pills he was prescribed to would ever benefit me. Until my first high school boyfriend, he encouraged me to try them, and at first it didn’t work, it wasn’t until the second time I had tried them that I really felt what it was like.
From there it wasn’t an never ending pill popping fest like it is today, we were young and experimenting with other drugs and alcohol and Ritalin was just another mind altering experience. It wasn’t until my senior year when I really found it useful. Because I had done so much “experimenting” with other drugs and alcohol the school told me that there was no way I was going to be able to graduate High School that year. Because I’m a stubborn pain in the butt, I had to prove them wrong… and those magical little pink pills were just a pill bottle away from my success.
That year I went to school from 6 A.M until 8 P.M going to an alternative school and taking college classes whenever I had the opportunity to get a high school credit from them. It was a long year, but I did it. Of course with the help of that lovely little pill that still allowed me to party like a rock star regardless if I had 26 hrs. of school the next day.
When High School ended I was smart enough to know that College was not a good idea, I partied my way through High School, and at this point I would have done the same thing with College but this time at a price. So instead I joined a traveling free food kitchen and traveled around the country leaving my addiction for those beautiful pills behind.
After a year of those crazy shenanigans I came back and continued on my path to destruction. I was in and out of jail and became and amazing alcoholic, at one point I even managed to get a job as a bartender that allowed me to get as drunk as I wanted and to do what I really loved to do… Sing.
Even though at that time I thought this job was amazing, it didn’t give me much to live on, and how can you pay your bills when you’re drinking all your earnings away every night. So I was forced to get a real job. I started at an entry level position at a fortune 500 company. The multi-tasking skills I had acquired from my bartending jobs served me well at this job and gave me the ability to have extremely high productivity… if I could only make it to work on time, and be sober when I got there.
After a couple months of this behavior, I was definitely on my way out and I knew it. However, the company had an amazing tuition reimbursement program where they would pay 100% of your school; the only thing you had to do was show up. Because I knew I wasn’t going to be able to stick around there for much longer I decided to give the school thing a try. At first it was hard to focus on school when the bar was just around the corner, but then I remember how I did it in High School, that magical little pink pill.
Six years later here I am. I no longer am at an entry level position of the company, I am with a relatively amazingly have a relatively prestige’s job. I stuck with school and used it as a way to become productive at something that didn’t involve drugs or alcohol. At this point, I have completed two bachelor’s degrees, and I’m now working on my MBA. I don’t do illegal drugs any longer and I rarely drink. Where would I be without my Adderall crutch? Probably, sleeping in the ditch or in prison.
Now comes my problem, I have a lot to be proud of, in five years’ time I had gone from begging for money on the streets to having a department of brilliant highly effective people look up to me and need me on a day to day basis. However, I haven’t done this all by myself, I had this special little pill that gave me the ability to rise above all my many flaws to get the girl who is sitting here now, wishing and hoping that one day she will have the strength to not hide behind a mask any longer; to be the girl who is proud of her many accomplishments, and who is able to accomplish anything, because of her determination, and strength, and not because she found the right mixture in the medicine cabinet.
Right now, I’m currently on Vyvanse and Adderall and have created this hyper productive world for myself that requires me to work at my job at least 40 to 50 hour per week; on top of the 20 hours of weekly school. At times it feels as if I continue to put more and more things on my plate as a way to over-compensate for the pain I feel inside. It’s like the longer my To-do list gets the better chance I have at proving to myself that I am good enough, but I ‘ll never really believe that as long as there is a special ingredient helping me get everything on my list completed.
When it comes down to it, I know I need to quit, in order to be the person I dream of being. The person who could makes friends easily and who loved to talk to people instead of hiding behind the next project that I elected to do in an attempt to prove myself. I want to be able to have fun again, like I used to. But the scary part about that is that I’m afraid if I quit, I will become that drunk, downward spiraling girl I used to be, before I started the Adderall, before I started school. Yet I can’t just keep going to school as an excuse to not face what life would be like without a crutch pushing me forward.
It all started in high school when my very ADHD friend gave me an Adderal and I experienced how much more productive I could be…
I was never a poor student, in fact I earned a 3.5 GPA through high school unassisted by medication with minimal amount of studying and effort, and I loved to party and get drunk, but never cared for marijuana. I didn’t like feeling dumb and lazy.
Flash forward to college. Now, I’ve always been an experimental type, so when cocaine was introduced freshman year, at first I wanted no part in it, but after a few beers, the inhibition subsided and I gave it a go, and I loved it. I loved how it made me even more social and talkative, more alert, more everything…I thought, a better me. Once casual usage ramped up to regular usage and the addiction had taken over, I justified the abuse to myself in many ways, all-the-while knowing what I was doing couldn’t be good to my body and mind and I truly wanted to stop, but didn’t know how. One night after about 8 months of using, I got caught red-handed with the stuff. At first this felt like my life was over, “I am officially a criminal I will never get a good job,” I thought. Within the next few weeks, I soon realized that this was the biggest blessing in disguise. It was the wake-up call I needed to get me to quit.
Next, I see my family doctor. My parents had just switched docs and he had them both take a short questionnaire that said they were both high candidates for ADD. He told them, this was hereditary and that my brothers and I might have it too. Now, remember in high school I had good grades, but I rarely did homework, procrastinated on every paper I ever wrote, hardly studied, but still scored high enough grades on tests and papers to maintain solid grades. But the main reason I did not study, was because when I tried to focus on a subject that I found boring, I would get sidetracked and daydream about other things. I knew I was ADD, but my parents never let me see a doc about it until they too were diagnosed…
So, I start taking Adderal. Our new doctor even said it’s common for young adults to start using drugs to self-medicate for their UN-diagnosed ADD. This actually made sense to me at the time and made it much easier to accept the new drug and begin taking medication for a condition I had always felt I had, but didn’t treat because of my success in school, even though the rest of my life had completely fallen apart. At first, Adderal was great! I was able to focus on one thing at a time, I could study hard, learn faster, talk ALOT, and overall get more things done. We all know what that’s like and how that feels…GREAT! It was sort of like the feeling I had on cocaine, only it lasted all day, didn’t come with a hangover, and my parents approved of it’s use.
Within the first few months/years of using Adderal, I started noticing personality changes, my girlfriend too, she would often tell me I am more fun to be around when I don’t take Adderal, and I knew this was true. I have been taking Adderal for almost 5 years, and I don’t know who I am anymore. I remember a fun, outgoing, popular, personable guy who never had any trouble meeting new people, entering into and keeping relationships, but this feels like a different me. Today, I have the good job, nice car, etc. but I feel dull, analytic, always up in my head calculating every action and move I make to the point where spontaneity has become almost non-existent. I want to quit, but I’m scared…
I’m scared that even if I do quit, I still won’t be able to find my old self, like that part of me is lost and gone forever, never to come back again. I’m scared that if I quit, my productivity at work will suffer and my career will slide and I could eventually lose my job. I’m scared that I will lack motivation, drive and ambition…But I need to find myself again. Is the cost of potentially losing what I’ve worked so hard for worth the chance of re-discovering a part myself that has been in remission for so many years…Is it even possible?
John I can relate to your story. I have been on Adderal for 9 years and I have reached the max allowed daily dose from my MD for 5 of those years. I am currently on day 3 of being off of Adderal and to be honest I am scared I will be losing my job. I keep falling asleep at work and I try avoiding people. What is funny is that my co-worker asked if I had a drug problem today. I laughed out loud, because I had a drug problem the whole time I knew her and now she thinks I have one when I am not on anything. I am depressed and I went to bed the second I got off work yesterday until I had to be up for work today. I am not sure if I can do this. I have so many things going through my head to end this it is un-settling. Hopefully I make it to day 4.
James,
Based on your post, you would appear to be covered by FMLA. Thus, if you advise your HR department (or manager) that you are experiencing temporary side effects as a result of a voluntary decision to quit taking a prescribed stimulant, your employer cannot (legally) fire you for any reason that can be reasonably attributed to that decision. Just let them know, and they are required to accomodate you. Make sure to get it all in writing though. Good luck.
Considering it further, you may also be covered by the ADA. Either way though, you have a right to keep your job as you move through this process.
How long do these side effects last? I’ve been feeling these side effects since my post last month.
To quit cold turkey, simply flush the rest of your pills, tell your doctor you want to quit because the side effects are really hurting your life (this cuts off your drug supply) and then talk to your doc about getting on 5-25mg per day of natural hydro-cortisone. This is a replacement therapy for your neurotransmitter Cortisol. When you up and quick amphetamines your adrenals are fatigued and need repair. To take hydrocortisone (or cortisol, or hydrocortisol) we replace part of our natural supply, thus reducing the adrenal glands need to produce, i.e. work. This helped me get through withdrawal / fatigue in less than a week, stayed on the hydrocortisone for 4 months and weened off to nothin but natural me! Still can rap fast, shred guitar, and workout, in fact better! You can do this! It is the highest gift to yourself to quit this destructive drug. Peace 🙂
I was taking 120-150mg per day rapid release for 15 straight months never skipping a day, btw. I was able to beat the fatigue of cold turkey quitting almost instantly, using 20 mg per day of hydrocortisone. Thank you Dr. Sweeney, Flagstaff, AZ!
if i told you that im at 150mg to 200mg of adderal a day what would you say? ive been on it for 6months and past 3months im at my peak, i cant be around anyone if i dont have it because ive torn doors out of frames in my house, please answer this because i really dont know what to do?
Appreciate so much honest and decent input from people. I’m thinking of starting adderall; I’ve never taken it. I took dexedrine a long time ago. I wonder how they compare. It’s for treatment resistant depression; not add. I guess it doesn’t matter.
Sounds like a bunch of crap to me. Please explain to me how setting the curve on organic chemistry tests, acing anatomy practicals, and things a like are worse than sitting on the couch all day watching TV? If it works for you, do it. Don’t listen to this “Oh you’re not fulfilling your destiny bullshit” If i was to guess some twacked out christian fresh out of a bible study wrote this shit. Do what you need to do to make a difference in your life, don’t look shit up on the internet to guide you’re decision, if you’re taking adderall you are old enough to decide for yourself. Not have this person decide for you
This site and all your stories really touched my heart. When I hit college I really started the binge of addderoll, I LOVED IT. The speed the rush the energy. I could get anything done, could do anything. Id work, do homeowork, and stay up all night with friends. It slowly changed, I got sick from not sleeping or eating. I would take 3 60MG a day just to keep the speeding rush feeling. I was addicted and didn’t even realize it. I landed myself in the hopsital and was on my way to my death bed from neglecting my body. I realized that day what i was doing to myself and knew i needed to stop. I varely rarely ever take one, and if i ever do its not the samee, it gives me severe headaches, moodiness, the motivation is different, usually i wish i didn’t take it in the first place. I developled a paranoia and my aniexty got worse, and since my adderol binge i have had major issues getting my motivation back. I use to be always moving, working, and was very involved in high school. Yes in the honeymoon phases of adderoll i was zooming, but once you rely on it, theres no going back. I loved being able to read these stories and see people who went through some of the same things i did. I caution the use of adderoll. It can help, but i live by the higher you fly the farther you fall. And to all asking if you can get the old you back, yes, but it takes time, and maybe you don’t need to old new,or the present you. Become the future you
To whoever wrote this, thank you!
I’ve only been on stimulants such as adderall and vyvannse for about 4 months. Abusing. However I’ve been prescribed as well as dabbled with these life ruiners before.
Case in point: 22 years old. Female. Bartender. Failed attempts at college so far. Self-worth lacking. Depression creeping in. Enter stimulants!
My god- the honeymoon phase of these pills put any man and his charms to shame. The immense amount of power and confidence that is released in your body (pun intended) from these miracle workers is unlike anything I had ever experienced. Initially my job performance improved, attitude was even more upbeat than I normally am(which is why I was never suspected of taking stimulants I think) and the whole world was my best friend!
Now being 5’7″, I’ve never reached a weight higher than 135. However I traded in one addiction (alcohol) for its new predecessor- adderall. Which immediately made me drop the weight. Naturally as a young woman, this was thrilling! My high school jeans fit again!
All of this is a load of crock. 5 months later, I’m a bit too skinny. My face is gaunt. I’ve dabbled with crystal meth. My hair is thinning. My bubbly, fun personality is gone. I’ve lost a lot of personal relationships, and I’m currently sitting on my bed alone, writing this. 5 months. That’s all it took for me to become addicted, lose my curves , friends, personality and mental sanity! For crying aloud, I tried crystal meth! All because I ran out of my pills. I was up to at least 60 mg of adderall a day. And one time, to cure a hangover, I took 3 vyvannse- 70 mg each.
I’m day 3 of withdrawal right now and I’m riding this out. I don’t care about the weight gain. I don’t care about the excess sleep. I don’t care about any side effect I will endure. If any of you have lost
Your sense of self like I have, you’ll quit this pill. I want to genuinely laugh again. I want my ambitions to return. I cannot allow a pill subconsciously tell me to keep scrubbing the bar top instead of allowing my imagination run free. My ambitions are worth a lot more than 15 lbs and an extremely clean bedroom.
Anyone else miss recognizing themselves in the mirror? Good luck to all- and once again, thank you to whoever wrote this.
I would suggest that if any of those points are true for a person, then they probably were misdiagnosed from the beginning. As for me, amphetamines make me more affectionate with my spouse, they make me more apt to enjoy my life, they actually allow me to sit in a park quietly and enjoy the scene.
And my life before Adderall? A series of academic, occupational and social failures. Constant frustrations and oftentimes not enough energy to even get out of bed.
Good luck to everyone, no matter what the right path is, but realize there are people who need this class of drugs.
Everyone’s comments have been so helpful, and inspirational!! I am so glad I finally found this blog.! I have been taking Adderall 20mg for about a year now, and its just gotten out of hand. I’m prescribed to it, but don’t really need it.! My dosage is to take one after breakfast and one after lunch. It’s hard to wake up, and get out of bed some mornings, but then some mornings I wake up, feeling well rested, and just happy. What is the best way to stop taking Adderall?
•slowly wean myself off? • or just stop taking them.
2:> also, does anyone know if there are any vitamins, etc i need to name the detox easier? PLEASE. I need suggestions! Thank y’all So much for sharing your stories. I don’t feel as alone.
(X2) I forgot to mention, I do abuse it. I can see this I’ve gotten worse and worse. I am to the point I just can’t get one project finished. Everything I start, doesn’t get finished. My mind just runs in circles, and I hate it. I hate everything about it. I’m not afraid i will have trouble quitting, I am just scared & don’t know what to expect or for hoe long after I stop taking it.
So I have been taking adderal for over a year now regularly, before that just randomly in college. I am now out of college and have since last September I would take it twice a week to get work done. About three months ago I started taking it on a regular basis, I find myself still getting a lot done at work but I am over thinking situations in my personal life, like stuff in my girlfriend for example. I am wondering if adderal is causing me to over think situations and or make things up in my head that are not there. Please someone answer this!!!
nd SumeAndrew,
I don’t know if you’ll see this response but I am going to answer your question anyway 🙂 and then share my own story.
I am not a doctor or an expert, but I am a recovering Adderall addict, who, like you, has experienced a lot of paranoia and anxiety from this drug. So much so in my case that I ended up checking myself into a psych ward because I had completely stopped both eating and sleeping. I became so stressed out about my life that I was frozen with fear and I couldn’t get out of bed. Anxiety, in my opinion, is one of the most powerful things a person can deal with. It can make you literally see, hear and think things that aren’t real. It can be very scary and really confusing because it can pop up out of nowhere.
However, I noticed that you didn’t say you’re abusing it and that you’re only taking it on a regular basis which I hope means you’re just taking it at the correct dose more often. Correct me if I’m wrong 🙂 if so, and if the adderall otherwise has worked for you and has been fine, you should talk to your doctor and tell them what is going on. If it’s not the adderall, there are so many ways to manage anxiety and things like meditation and yoga don’t even involve taking more medication,MIND which is great news! Remember: FEAR IS A STATE OF MIND. It’s like waking up from a bad dream and that feeling you get when you realize it wasn’t real.
On the other hand, if you know it’s the adderall, you need to reach out for help. Do not stop taking it until you get professional advice and HONEST about what is going on. Because severe anxiety and Adderall do not work well together and if you are already reaching that point it will probably keep happening once your body is tricked into getting anxious everytime the adderall kicks in.
Good luck and just get help early if you need it. The sooner you practice ways to get through anxiety the better you will feel and if all goes well you can treat the anxiety and still keep your girlfriend 🙂
Adderall helped me at first. I have adult ADD. I started out with 20 mg/day, but not long after that (about 15 days) I began to develop muscle aches and severe back and shoulder pain. I didn’t associate it with adder all, and just kept on taking it, but I began to take less and less for some reason ( believe the wisdom of the body was speaking to me). Every time I took it, even 5 mg., my upper back hurt so much and I began to lean over constantly to get any relief. I began to worry if this was some kind of neurological effect, and I began to associate it with the adder all. I also began to have some strange heart rhythms, mainly when I lay down to sleep. Sometimes I had problems getting my breath during the night, and actually had dreams of being smothered. I have decided not to take it any more, and will be talking to my doctor about these symptoms in early January. I have 5 mg today, and may take 3-5 tomorrow, but after that I am not going to take any more. This leaning over is very disturbing. I go around looking like the hunchback of Notre Dame.
first off i have been on adderall for around 15 years didnt notice it so much when i was younger and took a smaller dosage then as i grew up i started gettin a higher dosage until i figured out what it did then i started to abuse it by mixing it with other drugs it allowed me to smoke weed and still function it allowed me to drink like a fish and work my ass off after a night of gettin messed up over etc the last year now that i have a kid i stopped abusing it so much because i noticed how horrible my decision making was and how i would always get caught up doin what my surrounding influences were doin for example being around a bunch of drugys i felt like a had to be the best at it and the fact that i took more then i should of i lost myself for a while and got into alot of trouble now that i self medicate myself by waking up each morning and base it off what im doin or for the day i feel a have became more of myself again. this drug makes you think and focus so to evryone if you focus for example on this website then yeah it could get to you cuz your focusing on the bad things but if you focus on the point that you know you need it and your not abusing it then you will be fine sometimes people just completly over think on this drug and it tricks your mind into thinking false thoughts just because your focused to much and if so your speeding and the drug is not for you so the longer you take it and an build a stronger tolerance then yeah your withdraws are goin to be insanely imposibble to bare but you will get better it might take goin to the doctor and refiguring your chemical imbalance cuz the drug fucked it up but now that is something you are goin to have to deal with just like everyone else that takes it and needs it. everyone is different and has there own chemical embalance though the whole idea is figuring it out without abusing it or taking it to speed. the decision is yours though just dont loose grip of reality and your fine and surroud yourself by people you want to be. i understsnd everyone is different but this drug is so easy to understand you just have to learn how to control it and you can do amazing things. for another example you and your girlfriend get in an hour long fight over if you should get a cat or dog as a pet and you are both pissed at each other cuz you want what the other does not most people i have witnessed go through this wont let it go it could go on for hours. what i do instead is decide not to let the drug take control over me for example instantly start a totally different conversation that interests the both of you but has nothing to do with cats or dogs like hey would you like to go to the movies? what movies are out? any you would like to see? do you want to watch a scary one? and keep talking about the movies and you will notice that your focus is no longer fighting it has switched over its called mind control. if you can understand mind control on this drug you will be fine otherwise your screwed most likely and should go see a doc on what to do next
It sounds like most of you are taking incredibly strong doses – I can read the overdose in the hyper tone of some comments. I’ve been on Adderall for three years, and have never taken more than 15mg a day – and I’m an adult, not a child. I typically take only 5-10mg. I also take one day off each week to detox and reset my tolerance. Because if you’ve been *that* productive for 6 days, you can afford to relax on the 7th. And well you should – pushing your body to take more than it should, to do more than you should, is obviously unhealthy. Your mind on Adderall does not represent your body and your body needs rest – plain and simple.
It sounds like some of you were wrongly prescribed, or simply abused your prescriptions at will to feel some kind of high. In my experience, if I feel euphoric, I know I’ve taken too much. I take just enough to feel equivalent to my best days without Adderall that I could never predict or regulate on my own. Try to relinquish the need to fine-tune every second of your day and things will get better.
I don’t know who you are mike but I want to tell
You that you are good man for doing this!
I am not getting to detail but the truth is Adderall will change you in many bad ways!
I don’t know anybody who took Adderall for more than 4 years
And they are happy! Simply after 2 3 years will work against you!
Who ever is arguing against this they are just indenaiel!
I been Adderall for 4 years now and I can tell you some of the
Things on here are very true! I work out and keep a VERY good diet N sleep
Which is great tool to avoid many of the side effect!
If not abused while maintaining good food, sleep and try to excersise and always have things to do
Adderall have many great Benefit for those who really needed but usually that’s not the case!
I am in the processing of quitting not becuse Adderall damage my life
Becuse I know n I can see if I keep staying on it eventually will ruine my life
And I saw many of friend in my situation but after few years Adderall had an opposite effect
On them!
Always remember by doing these following things you could reduce many of the
Sidewffects
1. Eat right and make sure you get your daily vitamins and nutrition
2. Sleep at night for at least 8 hours
3. Excersise as much you can
4. Always have Things to do n have a long term goals and plan
5. And always tell yourself that nothing in this world can you feel better but yourself!
I hope this could also help people in here
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Just… Thank you for this website. It seriously helps to know I am not the only one who feels like my whole life is ran and ruined by my obsession over this stupid pill. I’ve been on it for 11 years thanks to my wonderful parents/counselors and my inability to cope with day to day tasks without it freaking cripples me. But it’s time to do this again, go through the sickness one more time, thank you thank you thank you. I don’t feel like such a loser all the sudden.
I’m literally in tears reading this right now.
I originally typed in google “natural adderall alternatives” because I wanted to see if there was anything I could take that would make me feel like i’m on adderall since I can’t get my hands on any of the real stuff right now. I’ve been buying aderall off people in large amounts for about 2 years straight now… everyday; haven’t gone a day without it….up until a week ago. It started in high school. Then I got arrested for having it… which is a felony. Once I was done with probation I was almost immediately right back on it and have been ever since then… and now I think I might be ready to quit for my own reasons.. and before i get in legal trouble for it again.
Part of me wants to, the other part of me thinks that’s just nuts.. I’m in college and I’m scared I can’t succeed in school without it.
🙁
I would like to add: You realize Adderall stops working for you.
Adderall makes me completely lifeless. I cant laugh and i have not smiled once in the past week. I hate it and im going to try to for a while and see if i can manage my adhd without stimulants. Ill stay positive! Great website i might post more later. Its 3 fucking am and i cant sleep. Not happy at all.
Oh and i do not abuse my medication i take them as perscribed. However i notice my tolerance increasing. I take 15 mgs twice a day. Do i really need to take more? I looked in the mirror recently and saw my frown had actually become deeper. It was a big ass ugly frown. No thank you. But i hate my adhd it is crippling. However reading all the comments and wow did i read all of them… Was really nice!!! I dont feel so alone!
I started taking adderall because I got diagnosed with ADD. At one point I started playing with the dosage and then I stopped for about a year because I got scared of becoming dependent on it. This semester I had a lot of work, so I went back to the doctor and he started me back on it again. I haven’t been playing with my dosage this time, in fact I don’t take it a few days a week because I feel I need breaks from it. I like being productive and the things that I’ve accomplished, adderall genuinely allows me to focus and do the things I like, but these days that’s only true for a few hours in the morning, I feel depressed in the afternoons and I still have trouble sleeping. It also makes me really anxious and I smoke a lot of cigarettes when I am on it, when I don’t take it I don’t feel the need to smoke at all (perhaps when I’m out drinking with friends). I’m tired of it, it kills my apetite, my sleep, and my sex-drive. But its also something that has helped me greatly do the work I want to do. I don’t know what to do, I feel capable of dropping it but the days I don’t take it I feel down and can’t get much of anything done. I’ve lost confidence that I can do work on my own, my victories are not mine, they are the adderall. There must be a way to drop it but still be able to focus? I feel my tolerance increasing and I worry that it is not even going to be a choice after one point. I’m sick of being depressed on the afternoon, I want to go back to feeling like myself but I don’t want to stop being able to do the work I love, and that is kind of the most fulfilling aspect of my life. Any suggestions?
I am glad I stumbled upon this list just because it’s a good to keep in mind. It doesn’t apply to me right now, but I am very distrustful of becoming dependent on anything someone else is making a profit on. I mean, I won’t even use shampoo (apple cider vinegar ftw!)
I’ve been taking Adderall 10mg 1-2 times a day on most days, with the occasional skipped day once a week or so.
For me, before I ever took Adderall I had this feeling that I had to be doing something RIGHT NOW or something horrible was going to happen. I was extremely impatient, found other people intolerable, and had a revolving to-do list containing two weeks worth of tasks for every hour. I would spend every penny the second I got it, and treated my husband like he was nothing to me but a never ending supply of manual labor. I refused to watch movies, go out to eat, or relax in any way, instead I was always doing projects, and would become very upset if anyone wanted to do anything I deemed “unproductive.”
But I would hop from one thing to the next before I finished anything. I had so many half-written stories, half-painted rooms, a partially constructed shed, a partially constructed sun room, half installed flooring (different types in different rooms), and so on. I also never slept, and had a tendency to over eat.
I was diagnosed with impulsive type ADHD about 8 months ago, and after the first dose it was as if this voice in my head that was shouting, “Hurry, hurry, hurry!” just vanished. Suddenly I could see the benefit of spending time with my husband and doing the occasional leisurely activity. I stopped feeling the need to be so critical and sarcastic all the time. I was able to calm down and finish a task, as well as understand what a realistic agenda was. I’ve been so much calmer, I’m able to follow a healthy diet (mainly because I have time to cook and don’t rely on fast food while rushing about anymore). I sleep a lot more on Adderall than without it, and if I’m not careful I tend to sleep after taking it.
I don’t know if it’s just a fluke in my case that it acts more like a sedative than a stimulant. I have zero desire to use more than I take now because I don’t want to have too much downtime. I do tend to have paradoxical reactions to many medications, including painkillers and anything in the benzodiazapine family (I only know this from some BAD experiences during surgery and other medical procedures).
Anyway, I find this list helpful because I want to make sure I don’t become too reliant on anything. I was feeling guilty because I was skipping some doses, but now I think I’ll stay with the 1-2 10mg plan on most days. The way other people describe this medication sounds like me without it =[ I can definitely see how that can be damaging. Thank you for posting this article.
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I know the struggles of trying to make it through a day without my adderall. I’m prescribed to take 40 milligrams a day, everyday. I try to skip a few days but I get sick, cry all day, extremely fatigued as if I had the flu and my hunger surpasses anything I’ve ever experienced. I go through withdrawal. I know I’m addicted by how happy and fast I fill my prescription. I always go back to the adderall because of the symptoms I experience. I tell my doctor but he says just keep taking the medicine as prescribed. I am not going to lie, I sometimes take up to 80 milligrams a day when it’s heavily scheduled and because the 40 milligrams don’t always work. I think my body is getting use to the dose. I’m TIRED of the roller coasters of being wired, I want to live without needing and wanting adderall.
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Quit adderall, start meth.
I want to quit adderall, but not for the reasons listed in this article. Being placed on this drug, at first, truly saved my life…
I was misdiagnosed with ADHD twice: as a child and again in adulthood. I have had ADHD symptoms my whole life. these symptoms got so severe, that at the age of 24, I finally went to the doctor to get medicated. Both times the doctor failed to screen me for a trauma history. I was in a horrible relationship with an abusive man, repeating abuse that I experienced in childhood. The abuse I had experienced was under my conscious awareness, but I had never truly suppressed it entirely. I knew something was horribly wrong with my childhood, but I couldn’t explain what was exactly wrong about it. The best way to describe it is that it’s similar to a “tip of the tongue” moment. You KNOW something, but you recall it; it’s right on the tip of your tongue.
Adderall was the one thing that finally lifted the brain fogginess and forgetfulness to start remembering again. It helped me see the elephant in the room that my mind had a hard time perceiving. It gave me the courage to get out of the situation I was in. Now, however, adderall exaggerates anxiety, causing panic attacks, and makes it very difficult to deal with PTSD. I’ve been off of my medication for 3 days and hope that I can continue detoxing. Thus far, I’ve only experienced extreme sleepiness and sadness. Since I am off of school for the summer and only work 3 days a week, I can allow myself to sleep 14-18 hours a day to help detox from it cold turkey. I do not think I will be able to heal my PTSD until I get off of it. I was diagnosed with PTSD over a year ago and I am desperate to stop the flashbacks and take control of my life. Adderall worsens anxiety.
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My 21 year old son is taking it I don’t think he realizes how bad his personality has changed. He is angry all the time. He never sleeps.
I
I’ve been reading this site for a while now because it’s the only place I can really go to try and help myself with this lonely closet addiction to adderall. I will always regret taking my first one, which was 5 years ago, and here am, 25 years old and wondering what even happened to the time?! I could write a book on the ups and downs adderall has put me through and the happiest/most miserable person it has made me become but I’d rather just ask for help and encouragement that it’s not going to last forever. One of the scariest parts is that I do so badly want to stop, but that’s only a thought in the back of my mind, I’ve never actually considered not getting that script filled. I’ve switched back and forth from adderall to vyvanse at different mgs but always taking way more than I’m suppose to, which brings me to the health concern–what am i/have i been doing to my body? what am i hurting? It doesn’t even have it’s original affect as it did in the first years. Not near as good as it once was but now tends to make me feel awake but nervous and paranoid all the time–you’d think that would make me want to stop but it doesn’t.
I wish so badly I was myself. I have fooled the people who love me the most for so long now. I have a full time job, but its average and terrible and i had so many dreams for who i was going to be. For instance, i use to dance and act, LOVED being in front of an audience, now the thought of those things sound scary and impossible. I have an awesome boyfriend of 3 years who is my absolute best friend and can tell him everything, except this disease that I can’t bear the thought of him knowing. He does know I take it, but he’s clueless to how I abuse it.
I’m just such at a loss, the emptiest I have ever felt yet on the outside all of my friends and family think I’m great and have everything together when I’m about to fall apart. This can’t go on forever 🙁
I’ve been taking adderall for about 1.5 years, and I guess my question is why should I quit?
I feel so much better when I take it than I ever did when I don’t. That being said, I usually try not to take it on weekends. When I don’t take it, I have zero energy and don’t feel very motivated to do things. I am certain I was never like that before I started taking Adderall, but that seems irrelevant because all my side effects (withdrawal?) are a result of NOT taking it.
Basically, the only way I’d be motivated to quit is if there are any severe side effects of long term use. I’m not a naive person, so I’m well aware that there must be drawbacks to a drug that makes you feel this great. However, just being tired when I don’t take it isn’t enough of a reason for me to want to quit. I know that for the most part, long term side effects are unknown, but can anyone provide me with some further insight on this topic?
@why quit, strangely I feel the same way.
I’m 37, been prescribed Adderall XR & IR (currently 60mg XR in am, 30mg XR noonish, and 15mg IR as needed which I usually swap in for my afternoon XR if I won’t need it). I sometimes take 1 30mg XR on the weekend, usually not. I don’t feel addicted as in I have to take it I just prefer to be productive and happy. I must be the only one, but Adderall makes me a happy and outgoing person. I always was before but alcohol is what I took to be that way, but I hardly ever drink anymore but am still a very social person. I have no real reason to stop except I know my heart isn’t going to last but I stay healthy, I exercise, I try to eat healthy and I don’t sweat the small stuff because you never know when your time here is going to be up, don’t waste it worrying or being sad, angry, depressed. If I wasn’t happy with Adderall I wouldn’t be taking it. I was prescribed Trazadone for some sleep problems I was having…talk about a drug that wipes your memory of a day away, sure I slept like a rock but was a zombie the next day, no thanks. Instead I found great teas online and pour a cup every night before stretching and going to bed…greatest sleep aid I’ve ever had. Tried everything else for my ADD and procrastination even this new vyanase drug that is supposed to be the greatest and it’s Adderall for this guy until I can find a more natural alternative.
If your happy stay happy, if not change something today so you can be happy tomorrow.
@Alicia I’m not a doctor but is your truly have ADD/ADHD that is exactly how it is supposed to act…wonderful isn’t it.
I was on Adderall for four years. I was diagnosed with ADHD in grade school. I hit 20 started taking it regularly. I knew I had a problem when I was buying it off the street. Then I had a problem where I couldnt find it. Which led to a whole different problem. I started trying other drugs that I honestly dont think I would have ever tried if it werent for Adderall. I had my honeymoon phase for a long time. Then I figured out I didnt want it anymore which was a blessing. I can function without it no problem. This drug has done a lot for me im not downing the drug but I now research the shit out of people who take it because its not legal in all countries. Which to me is a sign that ADHD is a bunch of shit. I studied in Germany for 9 months. There is no such thing as Adderall. Not even a substitute for it. All id like to say is if you start have feelings like you dont need this drug anymore tapper off, its a good feeling to not have to take it anymore.
I’ve been taking adderall regularly for 3 years. It started out great. Working hard in class, was no need for coffee in the morning, and I was always alert and speaking aloud amongst my classmates. Though, there was a point, and I don’t know when, when the medication became deemed necessary for complete daily functionality. The majority of my days begin with taking the medication because I really want it and the end of my days consist of doubting it. I see that many people on here are talking about how it really helps them. Well I’m definitely a part of the group that it has begun to slowly rot. It gets to a point where you stop doing necessary things to live healthy or productively. One such example for me is going to buy groceries. I used to be a mother flippin champion at buying groceries when I first started adderall. I had lists, I knew exactly what I needed and where it was. Bam bam bam done. Though now, it’s almost like the adderall has consumed my brain so much that life has become a perpetual state of procrastination. Nothing gets done anymore. I focus on the dull things that don’t matter in order to just get the day over with. There is no doubt in my mind that I am addicted to the stuff. The first step for me will be to wake up one morning and make that cup of coffee instead.
I’m on a generic version of Adderall IR (amphetamine salts), but I stay on the smallest effective dose that I can. It’s probably lower than something that would work for most people, but I’ve always been sensitive to medicine. I take 5mg, twice a day.
I was on the same med for 2 years, then I lost my insurance. I was started on Vyvanse because there’s an assistance program, but my doctor kept upping the dose. I tried to tell them it was too much, but they didn’t listen, and I couldn’t afford a second opinion. Started splitting the Vyvanse myself, but it still felt like too much, and I developed a HORRIBLE tic in my neck that has caused permanent damage. I eventually tapered myself off of Vyvanse and stopped seeing the doctor. But, with no medication for my ADHD, I went back to hardly being able to function. For me, it’s very severe and is probably part of my sensory processing disorder. I could hardly keep a part-time job. My focus at the time was so bad (as it had been my entire life when I wasn’t medicated) that I could barely start a simple task.
Now that I have insurance again, I am back on the 5mg 2x daily of amphetamine salts. For me, it is JUST enough to clear my “brain fog” and to be able to focus if I WANT to — if I go to a higher dose, I end up with that feeling of “I HAVE TO DO SOMETHING” restlessness, which I hate. The only problem is this —
Because of the damage that happened to my neck while I was on a high dose of Vyvanse, the pain in my neck has returned. I don’t think this would be happening if I hadn’t been previously over-medicated, but there it is. I have a burning pain in my neck and upper spine and constantly feel the need to crack my neck, which I know only furthers the damage. I don’t know what to do about it, but I know I don’t want to stop taking the amphetamine salts because in every other aspect, it basically allows me to live my life. I don’t feel medicated, it is JUST enough to wake my brain up, and to let me be able to filter out all the background things that I normally can’t.
I guess I will have to ask my doctor the next time I see them, but I was wondering if anyone had suggestions about how to get rid of the pain? It isn’t anywhere else — just my neck, in the center, down to the bottom of my shoulderblades.
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I stopped taking it for good when the pain in my heart was so severe, and then I passed out. I had the really heavy chest pains once before and had almost stroke like symptoms the first time. But the hospital visit was a wake up call. My body is so happy and healthy without it (and without caffeine, too). My brain is so much happier. It can sometimes make doing my job as an attorney a little bit more difficult. I have to check things a million times before I file them and I sometimes feel lazy, but it’s been worth it.
Tony, I had the exact same experience as you, plus eventual physical side effects.
Thank you for creating this website and for expressing these perspectives. The last few months I could feel that something was wrong, I now know what it is…
I used to take Adderall in college, (like many students), to stay up late and to get more work done. After college I got stressed out with real life obligations like work and future ambitions, so I got a prescription for Adderall from my doctor – I was AMAZED at how easy it was. I literally just went in and asked for it and BOOM, a large supply of a schedule II controlled substance is in my hands in less than five minutes.
The first few months were great, I accomplished so much…
But I’ve been feeling this empty feeling these last few months and I stumbled upon this website and I think I now know what it is. Like other people have talked about, and like the points you make, I simply don’t value the things that make us human, like human interaction as much. Hanging out with friends, enjoying a film or a fictional book for pleasure, or even a walk through the park I unknowingly began to perceive as valuable time being wasted – I could be productive instead…The thing that upsets me the most though, is that hanging out with friends and family, the things provide me a great deal of meaning in life, and even LAUGHING like I used to be or always smiling, is gone. There’s no productivity in laughing – I intellectually get a joke, but on Adderall I won’t truly LAUGH, instead…My mind is moving on to the next thing, ALWAYS THE NEXT THING. Pleasure and love for the SAKE of pleasure and love, for the sake of being human, is essentially lost for me personally on Adderall, a sacrifice in the name of perpetual productivity…
It’s time to have a conversation with my doctor about this and hopefully tapering down to a lower dose, and perhaps eventually going off of it.
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Please help. My husband has been on adderall for over a year now. After 17 years of marriage, he is suddenly a different person. I pleaded with him to try an alternative, and he came home with an rx for something for anxiety to try to quell the angry outbursts. I think that the thought of stopping adderall scares him to death. He often claims he is going to stop but then gets so angry and bitter that I just want him to keep taking it.
He takes 30 extended release in the am and 10 short acting in the evening…
This is not a battle i am going to win. The person I am married to now is not the person I was married to 18 months ago.
Where can a person like me find support?
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My family used to always say I had a great smile, because there was meaning behind that smile. I’ve taken Adderall for over a year now and I lost my smile. A piece of me has been lost. I want it back so bad, the feeling of true laughter and true love, but I am so scared. I have too many questions that need to be answered like, what happens if the old me just isn’t good enough? Do I just accept the fact that I will be living on a crutch my entire life? God and the anger out bursts towards my family and my girlfriend…I can’t describe how sad it makes me. I got in a fight with my girlfriend because I decided she didn’t take the fastest route to where we were going. I was never an asshole before Adderall. I was loving and kind and always had the biggest smile, because I was always the happiest person in the room. This forum is what I needed. I never thought about the old me, but it’s there. It wants badly to be normal and not locked away. Thank you so much for creating this. I just threw all my Adderall away. You gave me the wake up call I desperately needed.
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Thank you for your generous, compassionate website. The idea of just letting myself “do nothing” as I recover has been antithetical to the way I’ve lived my entire life.
I’ve been on Adderall for 12 years. I have just quit cold turkey (I know it’s not the best way to go). Today is day 4. I sleep all the time, I am not getting anything done and, thanks to your website, I’m not panicking about any of it.
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Wow its a long thread but useful one. I’m stuck on the 40mg daily Adderall and I have to take my first dose two hours before waking to just be able to wake up! Then I feel my heart start to pound and I get hot and then work like crazy for the day then crash. I regret starting it. Anyway the reason I wanted to post this is that I strongly believe in tapering to quit anything. I built a tapering calculator (Blood Plasma Level Half Life Elimination). I won’t post a link and violate the TOS here but you can find it on Subotex.com just search for the tool. You can enter in doses for the week/month and plot out your blood plasma levels based on the drug half-life. It’s not scientific but close enough and works for any drug as long as you use the same mesasurements, (e.g. mg, grams, micrograms, etc.) Good Luck.
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I found this website while taking a detox bath today and staying up all last on 40mg of adderall. I have read lots of these stories and I’m glad I’m not the only person whose life has been so profoundly changed by the use (or abuse) is this drug. I know I should probably see a therapist or find a local support group but this seems like a nice place to share my story in the meantime. So my aderrall abuse started last year my first year of college. It’s important to note that in high school I maintained a 4.0 GPA and was a national elite cross country runner and the only substances I ever used was alcohol and maybe twice weed. So after I fell behind in most of my classes I resorted to adderall to fill the void. It worked wonders and I had never more powerful in my life. I was working on school upwards of 50+ hours almost every single week. And after falling behind in te beginning I finished with a pretty good GPA, which unfortunately was all I truly cared about. In the meantime I made absolutely no friends and in fact managed to make enemies.. A true feat seeing as how I would go weeks at a time without actual human interaction. After the semester was over I figured I would continue my adderral usage but use far less because I felt like I knew how to study. Then I discovered most of the negative effects of adderral. I couldn’t function without it and my grades or life in General was not turning out the way I planned. So last semester I quit cold turkey and my life (academically) came crashing down. I failed out of most my classes and most days could barely find the energy to get out of bed to eat and shower. I knew something had to be done so I started using again this semester. I haven’t been abusing it and I’ve been trying really hard to focus in my health. I now am ready to quit. I want more than anything to win life’s battles and know that it was me not some drug that did it. I want to ignite the flame in my heart that pushed me to great things back in high school but I honestly don’t know how. I begin summer school in a few weeks and I don’t know if I should try and quit. I want to but I know I will ruin my life if I let my grades suffer. Any tips Mike?
Here are a few additional signs that may help some people:
1) Beginning to feel concerned about your own health. I’ve noticed that diet is very hard to keep straight on amphetamines like Adderall because they kill your appetite and can cause iron and zinc issues. These in turn can lead to paradoxical effects like depression/anxiety, hypersomnia, and lack of focus and motivation. Which leads to…
2) Ending up with stronger symptoms than the ones you began with. And finally…
3) Requiring a larger and larger dose to treat the same symptoms. Remember that “the dose makes the poison”, especially with amphetamines, benzodiazepines, and opiates. The larger the intake, the stronger the side effects and crash.
Even if you have a bias for or against any given drug, it’s important to examine the clinical effects objectively.
Thank you…incredibly Helpful
I started taking Aderall at my third attempt at college. I began at 20mg a day and slowly worked my way into a 60mg a day routine within a year. After two years of taking Aderall I had completed my associates with a 4.0 GPA, I was working two full time jobs, sat on an executive board for a local non-profit and voluntarily ran the Road to Recovery program for the American Caner society. I had just been accepted at the University I applied for and I was beginning to think aderall was the greatest gift in life I had ever received. Additionally, I was becoming more and more of a social butterfly, always loving the company of others, being light-hearted and charmful and dating some of the woman that I had previously thought unobtainable.
Flash forward two semesters later.
I’m averaging ten 30mg pills a day, consuming roughly 1,000mg of caffeine(energy drinks) and smoking two packs of cigarettes just to get short 30 minute windows of the effect that had previously lasted all day with a single pill. No kidding, I would stay up for about 5 or 6 days in a row, eating and eating the pills to get by with school and have the energy to simply function. But my performance continued to dwindle at an increasingly faster rate and I was discovering that no matter how much I increased my dosage, my life was falling apart.
When I had finally come to the conclusion that maintaining a 300mg a day dosage would everntualy kill me, as I was experiencing daily chest and heart pains, I decided to stop. My life was falling apart. People were distancing themselves from me. I couldn’t maintain my second job or any of the other projects that I had committed to in which people heavily relied on me. All of the goodness that had come from my hard effort on aderall had diminished and I realized I had a problem.
My attempts to quit.
I couldn’t escape bed. I couldn’t open my eyes, I couldn’t move. If I tried to slowly decrease my dosage instead of quitting cold turkey I still couldn’t function. Even after four or five days of sleeping at a time, I couldn’t make it out of bed. I barely managed to keep my job, due greatly to the fact that my boss was my best friend. I went months waking up 20 minutes before work started, drinking a few cans of energy drinks, throwing an outfit in my car and driving off to work. I slept for a few brief moments at every stop light and when I reached work I would go right to the office, sit in my chair and fall asleep before finally getting the energy to change into my work attire. I couldn’t be held responsible for simple tasks any longer. I couldn’t concentrate enough to read a few pages of material, whether news or work related. All of my prior commitments had given up on me and I felt like a loser. The depression also set in. It became so extreme that I would drive at night on highways for no apparent reason, in tears just contemplating suicide. I didn’t want to live and I didn’t care about anything I just wanted to say fuck it all and never wake up.
Today.
I don’t take aderall any longer. I barely drink coffee here or there for a quick pick-me-up. I take daily multi-vitamins and other vitamins that support healthy brain-function. I exercise. But most importantly I wake up every morning. I now have the ability to sleep at 10/11pm and wake up at 6/7 with energy. I’m optimistic. Sure I get a little depressed sometimes but who doesn’t. I have the ability to cope healthily but I still wake up and bring in the new day with joy and excitement. After what I had been through, I never thought the way that I feel now could be naturally possible again. I thought that after years of abuse my hardwiring was permanently damaged. And to a degree, yes I am indeed different and notice that my way of thinking has slightly changed. But I still have the ability to acknowledge it and understand that as I, all humans evolve and our way of thinking is inclusive. I’m working two jobs again, this time sans aderall and I’m able to maintain normal responsibilities. I’m still in school and Im working on healhy ways to concentrate better. It’s not easy and I have a ways to go but I’m progressing.
It took a while for me to feel “normal” again but it happened. And if you’re reading this as I use to read several aderall boards when I was so wired I genuinely didn’t know if I would make it until the next day or suffer a heart attack, then please know that you can quit and it’s going to suck but you haven’t lost yourself I promise. Let at least one person in your life in on what’s going on so you have someone to call and vent to. This way when your world continually crumbles that person can remind you of why it’s crumbling and that you’ll be okay. I’m in no way trying to give out medical advice and don’t think my experience can be applied universally, but I do think that with hope and a little bit of help everyone who has an addiction can overcome this obstacle. Finally, thank you to everyone who has shared their experience. Reading over message boards like these helped me when I thought my only way out was a vegetation state or death.
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Hello all, I just stumbled on this late tonight when I couldn’t sleep due to adderall psychosis. I have taken adderall for about 10 years now….started off as strictly a school aid and then after about two years I began taking it recreationally. It basically ruined my life. I blame it for me using harder drugs, not making as much of myself as I could have, getting arrested numerous times, impulsively shopping, having a hard time making relationships last, pushing my family away, and everything else under the sun. I used to rely on it every single day to get out of bed, but over the last year or two I’ve noticed something that is similar to binge eating. I will go about 3-4 days without it and then the next time I take it I am almost making up for lost time by staying up for about 2 or 3 days. Does anyone else do that? Also, has anyone else in this group ever felt, it’s kind of hard to describe, but…stupid? I am a very naturally intelligent woman, very creative, passionate, or at least I was. But recently I’ve noticed more than ever that my short term memory is completely shot, it’s near impossible for me to remember details, places, names, or even words to formulate sentences. I also read a few of you describe experiencing some kind of chest pain. Can you tell me more about it? I’m pretty sure that I have experienced this on occasion but it’s hard to deciper that from a panic attack. I have finally accepted that my love affair with adderall needs to come to an end, but as we all know, it’s easier said than done. I’m afraid my brain makeup is forever changed after ten straight years of abuse. Any advice on what to look for when it comes to with drawl symptoms, how to curb them, how long it takes, anything really will help. thanks everyone.
I have had days off my adderall and still feeling it doesn’t work at all the same. My friend insists they changed ingredients because it seems ppl. Have been saying the same and I don’t know if it’s abusing it or tolerance so I am not sure I aggree with her outlook on this. But lately more so I’ve been feeling more then ever tired always and numb to feelings emotionally. I can take it and go to sleep. Have no energy and anti social. Anyone else?
I might or might not be an Adderall addict but I know for a fact I’m alot more aggressive and more prone to making irrational and impulsive behaviors without it so I’m somewhat dependent on it. (I’ve taken it for 10 years) Sadly my Pediatrician won’t see me nor will be able to give me refills and the Holidays just makes the process of going to a normal doctor at this time more lengthlier. Since this is the case, how am I going to cope with the withdrawal and the aggresiveness I get from being off the pill? I know for a fact I’ll be off the pill for a good week or two and I still have work in the way so I want to know how I can function at a night job off the pill.
I am here because I have used Adderall for 14 years. Everyday. 20mg. in the morning and 20mg. in the afternoon. I’ve had two heart attacks, three stents and have ended up with a muscular left ventricle due to running on speed for most of my life. I haven’t had the courage to tell my cardiologist. I’m used to being “the best”, the most efficient, yada yada. But my shame mostly involves the fact that I am a mental health registered nurse. I tried speed in college, but only until graduation. Yes, there was the grind of dangerous work (I was a corrections psychiatric nurse) and the inability to process fear but we all have our excuses. The beginning of my love for stimulants began on one of those days at work when you are just tired. But if you want to stay employed you sucked it up and went on. I was raising 2 teens and on my own. So, that day I was telling my coworker that I was not ready for the shift ahead and he gave my 4 red antihistamines that turned out to be ephedra. I took it and WOW! not only did I enjoy the shift, I was able to document with ease, and thanked him. From then on there was this dialogue in my head that kept saying “man, if I could have this stuff work would be enjoyable, I would be securely based in my work, and that would mean money for my family-no more struggle”. I never wanted to be away from home, but my husband died and instead of being the homemaker, I had to become convinced of the necessity of being a wage earner. Yes, I became driven, bought a condo, dated many men, danced, wrote poetry, looked great. I was outdoors on the weekends, canoeing, hiking. I hated alcohol, never smoked. Until one night one of the residents checked my blood pressure for fun. It was a slow night. 180/105. Naw, that has to be a mistake! He took it again. No change. OK, I’ll just get on blood pressure meds. I used to joke that I never checked my bp because it would scare me. God only knows how long it was in that range because 5 years later I had my first case of angina and then heart damage. I could go on about my overconfidence at the time, how I lost jobs because of it. I never thought things through. It was as if I couldn’t keep up with myself. I really didn’t want to because I didn’t think much of myself-my mother made sure of that.
Now I’m 66 years old and it’s a miracle I am alive. I am grateful for the dosing step down idea. I will begin tomorrow as I am still at 20mg.a day of Adderall (not extended release). I cannot stop cold turkey as my poor brain just sputters out. Absolutely no motivation to do anything. My bp is now in the low 100′s ( 102/69) consistently. I wanted to write this for the sake of the young people here and to let you know how much I wish that you can use me as an example of the REAL damage you do to your heart, lungs and brain. My self esteem issues have been resolved as I work through therapy on line as well as with my psychiatrist. Don’t think that you aren’t doing enough, pretty enough, athletic enough. Normal is just that. And I am crawling day by day to get back to normal. Thanks for being here.
All i want is to be off it. I’m too scared because of gaining weight. I am so scared to gain weight. I can do anything anyone tells me to do not to gain weight if they can promise me If I do it what they tell me i won’t gain weight. I kno i sound insane or like how can u tell me what to do everyone’s body is different but I need advice help suggestions any positive sucess stories from anyone who has gone thru adderall withdrawl and stayed skinny please please please there has to be a way im so scared and I can’t go on like this
Im currently take 40 mg immediate release a day. I have been on Adderall 5 yrs. I used to take a lot more. I hate that i even take it still bc it does nothing but if I don’t take it i can’t even function like I’ll just cry I just sit there or stay in bed but taking even extra or even snorting it now it doesn’t do shit it makes me like wired tired if anyone knos what I mean u kno I want to be off this medication not because adderall itself is bad because I know that i had bad motives 5 yrs ago for getting prescribed it: bc i have always had an eating disorder-bulimia (my eating disorder is a lot better today it is more of a head thing than a physical danger problem but I have actually gained weight im the last year and half even on adderall which just depresses me and makes me get angry and confused if anyone has a medical explanation for this please share ) I know I have cut down my Rx so it could just be that too but I don’t eat more
Im also older but im only 32
I am so sad and I regret going on it bc I never needed it i was just s selfish stupid little girl I am just scared of blowing up and being a big fat pig which i could not live with od have to do crack or die if that happened I can’t deal w it I need to find a way out of this can anybody help me please I want to get better i have a lot of good in my life im just hopeless in this one area that makes me so defeated and guilty please help me please tell me what to do to stay skinny off this medication
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I’m 21 and I’ve been taking 50 mg of Adderall daily (vyvanse now) since 7th grade which is almost a decade, for horrible ADD/ADHD. I can’t function without it. A few years ago, I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression and it’s been all going down hill from there. I’m in a rut, I used to be the most creative, fearless outgoing person ever, and i don’t have any of the same interests. It has helped me through high school, I’d be failing classes without it and when I was diagnosed with ADD/ADHD when I was 7, the doctors said it was the worst case they’d seen
Even with the adderall, i’m impulsive, indecisive, emotional and irrational. I don’t know if I can focus or anything without it, but I want my real self back. I can’t pick what I want to do, where I want to live or anything, I’m so conflicted all the time. I want to be able to go and exercise and be social (i’m naturally outgoing) without getting super anxious but I also don’t want to fail school and have bad job performance.
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I’ve been off of it for 3 years now. After several relapses the thing that finally made me quit was when it sent my blood pressure through the roof. I ever had high BP before, but I still have high blood pressure and it’ll probably be the thing that kills me. Get out while you still can.
I’ve been on Adderall since I was in kindergarten. It has been so great using it until I hit 8th grade. I’ve been on 30mg for so long and nothing has gone wrong, but I am never hungry and skinny which sucks because everyone thinks I’m anorexic which I’m not I eat all day long when I’m off my medicine. Anyways, for about two months now I’ve been drifting away from my friends. If they came up to me i’d get an attitude and make them go away. I rarely talk to anyone in school and when someone makes a joke I fake smile and it’s the worst feeling ever. When I get home I go to my room and just sleep or sit on my phone. On the weekends I go off it and I’m immediately back to normal. I have never thought I’d go through this ever taking Adderall but now I know that it ruins your life even when it helps you. I am very disappointed. Yes it helped my consentration but my social life is completely gone. I’m depressed. So thank you Adderall, for ruining my life.
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I am so happy that I stumbled across this page on the day that I decided to quit adderrall.
I had ADHD as a child but my parents were against medical treatment. According to my mom, I was “very difficult to raise” and there were times that I got in trouble in school for the behavioral issues that come with childhood ADHD. However, she didn’t feel it was bad enough to put me on meds, which I must admit now… I am SO grateful for.
It was challenging getting through college with ADHD – I frequently would walk out of class because I just could not physically sit anymore. I would miss a lot of lectures because it was actually painful to sit and listen to someone talk for an hour. This is when I started experimenting with adderrall without a prescription. I couldn’t believe how amazing it was when I first tried – I had never been able to study for more than an hour, let alone 8. I could sit in class and take notes and felt like I was actually learning.
After college, I started taking my friends adderrall to go out. I worked in retail, so having ADHD didn’t really interfere with my work. However, it made me too tired to go out – and so I would take 10mg IR adderall almost every weekend to party. I did this for about 2 years.
Fast forward to now… almost 4 years out of college… I got my first serious desk job. I never realized how bad my ADHD was until this experience. I could not prioritize my work, I couldn’t focus in meetings, I was having a really hard time completing any projects. I didn’t want to fail in this job, so I remembered my old friend adderrall. I called a doctor and after 1 appointment, was prescribed 20mg XR.
I have taken it daily for the past 4 months and even though it hasn’t been that long, it has reeked havoc on my life. At first, it was exciting to be able to get so many things done at work and my boss commented on my improvement. I was delivering multiple projects a day and I was enjoying it. However, after my body got used to it… I still felt like I was struggling to truly concentrate, but now I just had a weird buzz all day. I felt like I couldn’t socialize normally – every conversation felt fake. I turned to alcohol to try and feel “normal” after work and ended up developing a dependency for it. In the past few months, I have woken up hungover and ashamed of myself… every day. I admit I have an addictive personality, but I never had this sort of alcohol problem before adderrall. It was the only thing that made me come down and feel like I could “be myself” and have a personality again. It makes me sick to even think about how I let this go on and thought it was okay.
This vicious cycle has lead me into a pretty dark place. I was once confident, happy, outgoing and full of emotion (which you realize is a beautiful thing after its taken away from you on adderrall). I now feel dependent on a drug that I HATE, unloveable, and depressed.
I am willing to admit today that I could tell the past 4 months that something was just “not right” about taking adderrall and the way it made me feel. I am happy to have come to this realization before becoming even more addicted. I am ready for the potential withdrawal… I only pray that my old self will return after it’s all over.
I wish I could warn people of how evil this drug truly is.
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I have been taking adderall for 18 years now since I was 11 years old. I’m 29 and I want to get off of it but I’m psychologically dependent. I don’t know what to do.
@Lexi – I am in the same boat with the weight issues.
I’ve been on adderal/ritalin (20mg xr) a day since I was 18 and I’m now 23. I feel like it’s turned me into somebody I’m not and Im ready to quit but very afraid of low energy levels and weight gain.
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Oh my God, I am SO HAPPY I found this website. You have no idea.
I’ve been “on adderall” (I use the quotes because I’m still not even prescribed it) since 2012, my sophomore year of college… Throughout college, I used it pretty much as everyone else did; only to study for an exam or write a paper, and it was honestly not a huge issue at the time. Once I graduated from college, though, I was studying for MTELS, bored as hell, living at home and working as a nanny. I started taking adderall more and more over the course of that year just to make the days go by faster, honestly… Plus I was actually still studying and such, so I convinced myself it was fine. Fast forward to now and I haven’t gone a single day without adderall in over a year. Pretty impressive considering I’m not prescribed… When I think about how much money I spend on this shit, it makes me SICK. I take anything I can get, which means some days I take 10-20mg like a normal person (those days are rough), but if I can get my hands on more, I can’t stop myself from taking them throughout the day… I’ve hit 120mg in a day more than once, and the times that I end up staying up all night, I take even more before going to work just to function… So who knows how many mg have been in my body at one time. I know how bad this is for me, I feel like shit all the time, my stomach is always uneasy, my neck hurts constantly, I am CONSTANTLY overheated…
I’m so miserable and scared and sick and tired of this stupid drug, and I’ve been thinking about trying to quit for awhile… But the issue (well, one of the many issues) is, NO ONE knows I take it. I mean, sure, my roommates and boyfriend are aware that I take it once in a while to finish an assignment, but no one knows I take it every day, especially to the extent that I do. I’m afraid to tell my boyfriend, I feel like he’ll think I’ve been lying to him all this time. He would support me and I know it, but I just can’t tell him. I’m so embarrassed that it’s gotten to this level. I just want my life back.
Thank you so much for creating this website. I’m bookmarking it and am going to visit it as much as I can just to keep my motivation up. I have the summer off of work… So as of June 17 (two weeks), I’m going to try to go cold turkey. If that’s a complete disaster (which I’m anticipating) I’ll try weaning myself off… But I’m not sure I can be trusted to do that. We’ll see. Wish me luck. Thank you again.
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I had my first taste of Adderall when I was 20. I was staying with my parents after my first nasty breakup and was desperate to find anything to distract myself. I found a bottle of Adderall in my mother’s medicine cabinet and took one. I hadn’t even a clue what the purpose of this drug was.
I began taking a pill every once in awhile simply because it made me more confident. I’d take one before job hunting, before going on dates. Then, I started taking a few along with me on roadtrips so I could stay up all night driving. I started losing weight and looking great without even recognizing that this might be because of the Adderall.
I moved into a house with some new friends. I then began taking Adderall for get-togethers. It completely cured any social anxiety I had. I was loud and confident. I felt like the person I always wanted to be.
Then I fell in love. He was older than me. He was going to Graduate School. I was amazed that he was interested in me. I started taking Adderall more. Because I felt it had turned me into the kind of person that could be loved by this man. I was desperately in love. He wasn’t. I knew, but I didn’t care.
Then my best friend died. And I began spiraling out of control. I would take Adderall and drink too much. I’d make phone calls and stay up all night obsessing about how things “should” be. My relationship with this man went from a playful summer romance to a dangerous one. I would grow very upset when I felt that he wasn’t giving me the time and attention I deserved. Likely because I gave him so much time and attention that he wasn’t even aware of. I was broken. And Adderall made me feel like I was living a different, better life. One that allowed me to put away the loss of my friend and deal with it later, after I cleaned my room or after I lost ten pounds.
Eventually the relationship crashed and burned. It was too heavy. I began dating another man who seemed to fall in love with the real me. And I got comfortable. And then my roommate died. I began to look at old pictures and remember the fun times of when I used to take Adderall and one day I decided I was going to go out and get myself a real prescription for the stuff. So I could take it all the time and be happy. And I did. And it was too easy.
I’m not 28 years old. And I’ve been off Adderall for two months. It feels like it’s been a year.
I feel horrible. I look older. My eyes look yellow and I always look tired. Even my hair looks bad. I’ve gained 25 pounds. I feel like all I think about is food. I have a wonderful boyfriend who’s active and looks great all the time and I’m overcome with jealousy always. I struggle with the idea that maybe I do need Adderall. And maybe I’m wasting my life being miserable trying to quit this drug that my body actually needs. I can’t trust doctors any more than I can trust myself. I can easily convince them that I need it if I want it. And convince them that I don’t if I don’t. I hate going to the pharmacy every month. I hate feeling like Adderall is my life force. And I tell myself I’m happier this way. But I want my confidence back. I can’t even stand to be in a picture.
I’ve developed a few close friends almost solely based upon our adderall addictions. They’d come over, we’d stay up all night doing art projects and smoking cigarettes. I wonder now, how is it that I treated my body so badly and looked so great? Was that the Adderall? If so, screw it, I should be taking the stuff! What a life!
My mother takes it, my sisters takes it, and half my friends take it. Most of them don’t know I do. I am struggling. I have dreams about it. I don’t know whether to carry on with this constant battle. Or to stick it out, and try to rebuild myself. Because I don’t think I’m interested in being the person I was before Adderall. But I don’t think I’m interested in being the person I was while I was on it either.